Didn't mean to leave you hanging...

Sorry I have not updated. Part of it is that I haven't had a lot of time, but the other part is that I am still not sure what to make of this pregnancy. I had an ultrasound last Monday after not having a lot of symptoms and the baby was still there and measuring 8w6d with a heart rate in the 160s. I was STUNNED as I did not know that it was possible to be pregnant and have nausea disappear suddenly. My other symptoms (heartburn, fatigue, a little breast tenderness) were still there, but I figured it was the progesterone that I am taking.

So, now I have made it a whole week and I am getting concerned again that the baby will no longer be there. I am way better than I was when I was pregnant with my son, but the crappy thing about repeated pregnancy loss is that it sucks the sheer joy that you should feel out of the pregnancy. It is so unfair. I listen to people who had no trouble getting pregnant talk and after their 8-week ultrasound (or even just after they pee on a stick) they talk about their baby as someone who will be here soon needing all sorts of baby things. Anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss or especially multiple losses can probably relate to the feeling I have that pregnancy becomes a terrifying game of life or death and there is no guarantee that a bouncing live baby will be the end result.

I will be 10 weeks on Wednesday and I have been having a hard time bonding with this baby. I have hardly talked to her like I used to with my son (yes, I said "her" because I just have a hunch). I am never sure if she is there for sure so it is hard to spend time talking with her. I don't love her any less than any of my other 5, I guess I am just scared. I am almost 40 years old so the "less than 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat" doesn't really apply to me. I also have the additional label of a 'repeated pregnancy loser' so that ups the chances of another loss. For as hard as it was initially for me to hear that I was pregnant this time, it is going to be a devastating loss if this baby is not still alive on Wednesday. I was just listening to the song, "Gone Too Soon," by Daughtry and it made me so sad for all of my losses and the idea that I could lose yet another one. The song had a video with it (it was posted on a blog I read) and it was the kind of thing anyone, losses or not, would need a box of tissue for.

Anyway, I will update again soon and let you know how Wednesday goes. I am supposed to do an intralipid infusion with my RE and then I go to my regular ob for my 10-week check-up. I still can't believe that they hand out those backpacks with coupons and give you a folder about choosing a hospital at that appointment. That is just crazy to me. I at least talked them into doing the ultrasound first for me before putting me through the whole spiel about the pregnancy. My friend went in for her 8 week appointment and sat through the whole spiel and then did the ultrasound and found out it was a blighted ovum. She was so upset, rightly so.

I guess I should get back to writing my holiday cards and getting them ready to send out. I swear I am not going to get them finished this year!!!!

So much for that...

So, I have had pink spotting off and on since last Sunday and then yesterday my nausea was gone and it is not back today. Spotting + sudden loss of symptoms= something generally not good. I am not totally surprised as I had felt that something was not right from the start. My doctor is going to squeeze me in hopefully tomorrow for an ultrasound. Luckily he does not dismiss my concerns and make me wait until my 10-week ultrasound. If I need a D&C I need to get it planned asap. My husband and I work pretty much opposite days so I need to figure out how we will schedule a surgery. I need to have it done before all of our out of town guests arrive on the 21st. We have several holiday parties to work around, too. My work CANNOT find out about this pregnancy. Funny, just a few days ago I was trying to figure out how I would get away with not drinking at our holiday work party and now I am thinking that I may very well NEED to get drunk at the party! I hate to sound nonchalant about a pregnancy loss, but when you get to number 5 it starts to become sadly routine. Of course I am always sad, but if I focused on all of these losses I would never get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, my son is like an alarm clock and would never allow me to stay in bed. He is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the first place. If this loss had occurred before he was born, I would not be able to even describe the devastation. Right now, all I can allow myself to focus on is the fact that I am so fortunate to have him at all. Sadly, there are so many people out there still trying so hard to even see those two pink lines or get "the call" from the adoption agency.

It is real now.

Well, it's official. The baby grew by a week since the last ultrasound almost a week ago and it had a heart rate in the 150s. I was even given a due date and told to make an appointment with my regular ob/gyn. I am totally freaked out at the thought of telling my ob. He is going to freak that I am back already and pregnant. Hopefully I will be way less crazy. This pregnancy is already wildly different from my first. Once you have given birth it is different because you know it is possible. My anxiety lies more now with the baby staying. I just can't wrap my head around having two children 16 months apart.

I am tired and nauseous, so I am going to sign off... will update later. I have an intralipid treatment tomorrow morning.

Terrified.

I am terrified that this pregnancy won't last, but at the same time I am terrified that it will. I didn't know it was possible to feel such wildly conflicting emotions. I am sure there are a million people standing in line to smack me for saying that. I am absolutely grateful to have gotten pregnant again so quickly this time, but having a very busy 8 month old is hard and I cannot imagine having another child so soon. I am still adjusting the sheer amount of work it takes to raise a child while working part-time and having a husband who is out of state several nights per week. I have lost myself a bit, which I thought would never happen to me. And just as I am starting to look for myself again I feel as though I have disappeared. I do realize that this is somewhat temporary and just as I think I can't handle it, something will change. I just hope that holds true.

My body is already changing 6 weeks into this pregnancy, which also scares me. And then on top of that, I am going to be 40 by the time this baby would be born.

OMG! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?? I thought I would feel like I had more control over my life after having a child after such a long struggle with infertility, but that is soooo not the case! I also feel extreme guilt for admitting this is hard. I mean, I am getting exactly what I wanted, right?? I sure hope this is just the pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc...

A real live update

It's alive. I went in this afternoon and didn't even have my husband or son join me in the ultrasound room because I figured that there would be nothing to see. At first I saw the empty sac, but then my doctor maneuvered around a bit and I could see something. If I held my breath I could see the flicker of a heartbeat. It was beautiful even though it looked slow to me. He measured me at 5w6d and the heart rate was in the 90s. He said it looked fine. I hope he is right. I am a bit concerned (okay, a LOT concerned) because my progesterone level has dropped. It started at 27, two days later it was at 25 and now a week later it is down to 20. My doctor was not as concerned as I was, but was nice enough to tell me that I could take progesterone if I wanted to. Yes, I want to. I canceled my intralipid infusion, but may consider rescheduling. I kind-of wanted to wait to see if there would be a heartbeat next week before spending the $250 out of pocket. I guess we'll see. I still don't have a ton of symptoms, which also has me worried. I hate to worry through another entire pregnancy. At least for the moment I am pregnant and the baby is truly alive. Will update more later...

Last post of this pregnancy...

So, this my final night being pregnant according to the medical world. I, myself, know that I am not really pregnant, but doctors don't trust my gut as much as I do unfortunately. Luckily, I was able to get an aappointment for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I told the office that I wanted to rule out an ectopic due to my previous history. I am surprised they agreed to see me. I am so looking forward to saying, "I told you so!" to my doctor. I can already guarantee that they will find a sac measuring smaller than it should with nothing in it. Blighted ovum. I shoulda been a doctor...

So, that is pretty much it. Sorry not to sound more emotional, but after 5 losses it can/should be expected. Glad it will pretty much be over tomorrow. We will have some more sushi and wine to celebrate a little life no matter how short that life was. Of course I am sad, but what can I really do. Sadly, at this age, it is not likely that will ever get to be pregnant again. I am thankful to have been pregnant more than most people ever are (6 documented times and one undocumented). I remember before my first ever bfp (after 26 cycles of trying + IUI), I thought I would never see those 2 pink lines. I have certainly come a long way. I am still a very lucky girl...even in the midst of all of this.

Non update and other things

Not much new. No symptoms, but no spotting yet. I am thinking the red spotting will start tomorrow.

In other things, I realized I never really talk about anything but infertility. I suppose that since I started this blog to get my feelings out that is why. That, and for the better part of 7 years, my thoughts have not strayed far from the topic. I will never forget the time I was standing in the shower and realized I had gone 4 whole minutes without anything infertility-related popping into my head. I found that to be incredibly disturbing, but it is the all-consuming reality of infertility...

So, anyway, I am going to try writing about something unrelated, just for kicks. I try to keep this blog anonymous so I don't go into great detail. I think I may have already mentioned that I live in Arizona. Today it does not feel like it! I had planned on getting up and doing my favorte 3-mile walk along the golf course and canal, but it is dreary and rainy!! Seriously? It feels like fall in WI. I am such a wimp when it comes to the cold. Or maybe I am just lazy about working out, but either way it looks chilly out there! I may go out in the afternon depending on whether it warms up. I miss exercising. I never thought I would go a whole year without working out. I hope I can get back into it and get back in shape. Exercise and travel are 2 of my favorite things in the world and I really need to get back into both. Will update on that now that I may have witnesses and feel some sense of accountability. This is a good thing! Probably just what I need:)

Hope it is sunnier wherever you all are!

Cue spotting

Wow, previous history is spot on (no pun intended). I woke up feeling less pregnant than you can possibly feel and after walking over to my favorite breakfast spot and stopping to chat with our favorite neighbors on the way back, the spotting started. Finally brown and stringy, which is the precursor to either clots or red bleeding. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I can avoid a D&C. I hate to be the bearer of bad news to anyone who might come across this searching for some story about brown spotting being ok, but brown spotting (for me at least) has ALWAYS meant miscarriage. The only spotting I had with my one live born child was pink, never brown. Brown is just not good no matter what anyone says, especially not the brown stringy spotting. I am just being honest. So, the good news is that I will be able to have my xrays done at the dentist's office on Monday after all. The better news is that I will save $250 on the intralipid infusion that should have been done on Wednesday. Whew. The bad news is that the whole thing is still just very sad. I am glad I was at least able to spend some time with this little one (who I know was a girl) while she was here. I will buy myself a little treasure to remember her by. I have a beautiful diamond ring with 3 diamonds for each of my first three losses, plus 6 tiny diamonds for each year of trying. I bought a gorgeous sweater for miscarriage #4 (the one where my hcg topped out at 10) and now I need to find something beautiful to honor this little one. Maybe some earrings or a pretty bracelet. I will have to look around. I am glad that I at least get to spend the day with my live little one. One smile from him helps me forget everything else. I will update more when bleeding is in full swing...

Bloated

That is how I feel right now. Utterly bloated and looking like a human pin cushion from the twice daily Lovenox shots. I swear that my belly button used to be lower. Whenever I go to give myself a shot, I am shocked by how high my belly button is. Not sure when that happened. I may just be getting old and fat :( Or, hopefully it is just that my uterus still thinks I am pregnant. At least if that's the case there is hope that the bloat will disappear without too much work.

Anyway, this is just a short post because I am so tired and it is waaaay past my bedtime. Not much new really to report here. No spotting yet, but based on previous history it should start up again tomorrow... We'll see.

Forgot how long these things take...

Once the spotting starts it should really just go quickly from there, but I guess that would be too fair and easy. Two words that will never be used by an infertile to describe her own life. So, today I didn't have any spotting per se, but more of a **WARNING: TMI** gray creamy discharge after a bowel movement. Haven't seen that before (and I have seen virtually everything). Soo, I will assume that gray is the new brown and we will go from there. Had a tiny wave of nausea in the afternoon, but I also remember having really bad morning sickness with vomiting the day before the D&C with the blighted ovum. For whatever reason, some symptoms had started to kick in with that one. I am hoping this will not be how it is this time. I hate vomiting (not that anyone doesn't, really). I still have some breast tenderness only on the sides (same with last blighted ovum) and it comes and goes. I am thinking that for some reason my hair is extra greasy, too, because of the hormones. When I was pregnant with my son it was the complete opposite. I could go 5 days without washing my hair. Now I can't even go a day :( Speaking of washing hair- I need to add a sidenote- yesterday for the first time in my life I hired people to clean my home. I still can't believe I broke down, but boy I am glad I did. They were AMAZING. This morning I was in the sparkling just-like-new shower and looked over and noticed that my jumbo comb (I use it for detangling in the shower) had been cleaned. The big clump of hair that usually resides at the base of the teeth of the comb was GONE! They even cleaned my comb!! I could get used to this. Anyway, the greasy hair thought just reminded me of that.

Now I am rambling so I will close. I just wanted to give a little update and document my symptoms (and lack of) in case this happens again. I always think I will remember every detail, but I probably only remember half...

Told ya so.

I dont't know why my doctors can't just call a spade a spade. I have told my doctor that this is a blighted ovum since day 1 and he is still saying that from his end, everything looks good (in terms of hormone levels). Nevermind that I have no symptoms, even the fatigue has gone away and now I AM SPOTTING. Pink spotting, not that the color matters. Spotting is spotting. Of course, my doctor's reasoning behind the spotting is because my dose of Lovenox is too high. I respectfully disagree. So much so that I ordered take-out sushi and had a glass of wine. (I only did this because I am 150% certain that this is in fact a blighted ovum- I don't recommend this for people who just "think" it might be over but have no concrete evidence). This is my 6th documented pregnancy (technically 7th, but 1st loss was not documented). This will be my 5th loss (technically 6th), so I think I know a little more about loss than most people I know. I can actually tell the difference between a regular miscarriage and a blighted ovum. How sad is that?? I would go as far as to say that I am an "expert" on miscarriage. This is not anything I ever wanted to be an expert at, believe me.

I haven't told many people, especially not my parents, about this one but as soon as someone talks about how I will probably get pregnant easily now that I had my son I will have to say something snotty and rude. Do people really think that just because you had one success in 6 attempts that all further attempts will be successful??? Has anyone ever taken a statistics course?? WTF?

So, for anyone who may actually be following this I will update again as soon as I can. I have a ridiculously long day at work tomorrow. I anticipate just a little more spotting and then hopefully the bleeding will hold off until the weekend. Jury is still out on whether I will need a D&C. I am REALLY not up for that. Not that it matters what I feel up for. It certainly hasn't mattered at all in the past 7 years. Whenever I start to get sad about this loss, I give my son a big hug and kiss and I do remember how much less distressing this is than it used to be before he arrived. I am very saddened by the fact that he will not have a sibling, but there certainly could be worse things...

Update...ish

Not really much of an update, but whatever. I still have zero symptoms other than fatigue and very occasional heartburn. Even the pulling sensation I had a few days ago is gone. Still no sore boobs, which is kinda nice in the sense that I don't have to do the endless "boob checks" that us repeated losers do. I will admit to an occasional one, but certainly not 10,000 of them. Still no nausea, which is also a bit nice since I hate feeling like I am going to throw up all the time...

So, basically still a blighted ovum. I was able to convince my doctor's office that I needed an ultrasound before Thanksgiving so that I would have a better idea of when to schedule the D&C. It's funny, we just found out that a friend of ours is pregnant for the second time and I can guarantee you the thought of a miscarriage hasn't even crossed her mind. Must be nice. I at least got to experience what it was like to have sex and actually get pregnant quickly and let me tell you, it was really weird. I felt like a traitor at first since this is nowhere infertiles are usually welcome. I even sensed a little jealousy from a close friend who had a short bout with infertility and is now pregnant. I think no matter what, we all feel a little stab when someone gets pregnant so easily, even if it is after enduring more than most people should ever have to endure in the infertile world. I always keep in mind that there are people who have endured far more than I have and may never get their miracle. The only thing that makes me feel like less of a traitor is the fact that I am carrying an empty gestational sac around and have to wait until the first week of December for my D&C. That is more "infertile-like." As you can tell, I feel far more comfy in the infertile world.

No matter what, anyone who has suffered a miscarriage (or FIVE), will forever be robbed of the pure elation of a bfp should bring. Once you know what can and does happen it is never the same, even if you got pregnant your first cycle after your rainbow baby.

yikes

I just read my previous post from 10 minutes ago and am mortified. My thoughts are completely dsjointed. I kept faling asleep mid-sentence so my thoughts are ridiculously random. Sorry! If I weren't so tired and using my cell phone, I would edit that post. I just can't right now... thanks for reading anyway...

Recurrent Loser.

I like that term better than "habitual aborter." Somehow I had hoped that after giving birth one time to a healthy baby I would never have to endure the pain of miscarriage again. I knew that was really wishful thinking, but here I am. Already. My son is going to be 8 months old on Saturday and I am pregnant again (for the moment). I realize an infertile reading this is going to scream and say, "F you- I don't want to hear you complain about a damn thing, you have your miracle and you should be grateful." I am extremely grateful for my miracle, but I realize now that this was not the end of my losses. I can't keep going through this, it is physically and mentally draining. Because I will be turning 40 soon, we decided that we would not "try" to get pregnant, but that we would not "not try" either. IMHO, you are technically trying if you are not using protection. Either way, by some miracle I got knocked up **almost** like a normal person. Very strange indeed. Not even sure why I took a pregnancy test, but it came back positive right away. I finished the last few sips of wine in case this would be a long-term thing. My hcg on Halloween was 39 (probably 12dpo). Two days later my hcg was 127. It tripled, but then so did the hcg with my last blighted ovum...

Now, tell me if it is strange that I am already bugging my doctor's office for the earliest possible ultrasound so that I can get this overwith. I have planned the d&c in my head and need it to be on Nov. 23rd or at the very latest, the 30th. Those are the only days my husband and I are both available. I do NOT want to drag this out like last time I had a blighted ovum. How do I know it is a blighted ovum, you ask? Well, for starters I have no breast tenderness. Same as with my blighted ovum in December/January 2009 if you care to read. My main "symptom" is that I am completely and utterly exhausted. And that is probably from taking care of an almost 8 month old while working a lot. Fortunately, this kind of thing is a million times easier than when it happens before you have a live baby. I am very distracted between work and my son that I often forget that I am pregnant at all. NOT a good sign, really, as far as a healthy pregnancy goes. At least my doctor hasn't said, "Think positive." Yet. I think he knows that this is a blighted ovum, too. The whole thing is sad, but there is FAR less anxiety associated with it after having gone through this all sooooo many times already.

Will update again as soon as I get everything figured out. My guess now is that nobody is going to want to read a blog like this... I apologize for being "that" person.

Another reason I know this is a blighted ovum is that my husband and I share a dq alpha match of 4.1. My husband is an 0201, 0401 and I am an 0301, 0401. Men who contribute a sperm with 0201 will always be blighted ovums. Which sucks. I HATE having d&cs. They are just plain unpleasant.

Anyway, we will see how this goes and if I can get an earlier scan. In the meantime, I will sit here with my zero symptoms and start the grieving process for another loss...

Remembering

I have been thinking a lot lately about our journey and while I certainly have tried to block a lot of it out, I don't want to be one of those people that becomes insensitive to others still ttc. I tell almost everyone I meet about our struggle to conceive our little boy. When I say "almost 7 years" it doesn't really begin to cover the emotional trauma experienced in that time. To others it just sounds like a pretty long time. I don't ever really want to forget my struggles because they are a part of who I have become. I am absolutely not the same person I was before infertility.

Anyway, in thinking about our journey I found one of my old journals. It is so heartbreaking to read and the posts are so reminiscent of a rollercoaster. I am so sorry for anyone who is reading this who is still on the journey. It is such a difficult one that nobody seems to be able to appreciate. Be kind to yourself. On many days I know it feels like a life or death struggle. I will never look back and say that struggle wasn't so bad. It WAS that bad and probably even worse. Don't let anyone ever make you think otherwise.

I was reading through my journal and a particular entry struck me. I wanted to find out if anyone going through IVF can relate, so I thought I would post an excerpt from it. Here it is:

"Friday, October 30, 2009
...So, I just stuffed my face with popcorn and I can't eat or drink anything after midnight in preparation for the egg retrieval tomorrow. Here is a sample of obsessive thoughts that come with this step in IVF:

1. Did I already ovulate?
2. Did some of my follicles stop growing?
3. Did all of my follicles stop growing?
4. Are they going to run behind and miss the window of time to retrieve?
5. Are they going to drop them?
6. Is something going to keep them from doing the retrieval?
7. Will we get into an accident on our way to the clinic?
8. Will hubby make it to Vega$ to give a sample?
9. Will we oversleep?
10. Will Dr. Sher get food poisoning?
11. Will HE get into an accident?
12. Will the anaesthesiologist oversleep?
13. Will our condo burn down?
14. Will the power go out all over Las Vegas?
ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC...

It's like this every step of the way. After retrieval, the list starts again for fertilization:

1. Will the sperm be gone?
2. Will someone drop the sample?
3. Will any of them fertilize?
4. Will none of them fertilize?
5. Will something get screwed up?
ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC...

If anything fertilizes, the next list will start...

1. Will it be the right DNA (the one that doesn't match mine)?
2. Will they grow?
3. Will they be fragmented?
4. Will they be good quality?
5. Will they make it to 5 days?
6. Will they become blastocysts?
7. Will they be able to put them back in me?
8. Will there be any to freeze? (right.)
ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC.

You get the idea... This all started prior to stims with:

1. Will I even make a follicle?
2. Will I overstimulate?
3. Will I understimulate?
4. Will the cycle get canceled?

It's no wonder I lost 5lbs. I think the anxiety nearly killed me! I have been fairly relaxed since doing the trigger shot. I realize that at this point, I have no control over any of what will happen (except waking up and getting to the clinic on time). It is so hard to let it go when you have put this much time, effort and $$ into it. It's like signing up to go to college (for 5 years) and paying everything out-of-pocket, working your ass off, all with the understanding that when you get to the end only 30% of your class will get a diploma while 70% will leave with NOTHING and NO MONEY BACK. Who would sign up for THAT??"

Does that about sum up IVF for anyone else? Would love comments on this one (or really ANY one!!)...

Parenting after infertility

Now, I am certainly no expert on parenting after fertility, but I am learning a little about parenting after infertility and I swear there has to be a difference. I am a bit neurotic as it is (it seems that all the infertiles I know are type A people to begin with), but I feel an added pressure not to screw my child up. I am already concerned about him inheriting my MTHFR gene and now I read that a dq alpha 4.1, 4.1 baby has a higher risk of having later autoimmune issues. I have only given him one vaccination (DTaP) and plan to wait until age 2 to do any more after reading more about MTHFR and vaccines. He had diarrhea for 10 days after that first shot at age 2.5 months.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest disadvantages to parenting after infertility is that the minute you complain about ANYTHING that new parents complain about, you are immediately told, "Remember, you asked for this, this is what you wanted so badly," which implies that you are not allowed to even struggle with being a new parent. To me, this is completely unjust. After everything infertiles go through to have a baby we are probably able to appreciate our good fortune more than someone who did not struggle, but how is it that we are expected not to struggle with the challenges of new parenthood? New parenthood for us may even be more challenging in some ways because of what infertility has done to us. My own father made the "this is what you asked for" comment the other day and I was very upset by this. Anyone who has not had more than four hours of uninterrupted sleep per night for 6 months straight is probably going to be frustrated regardless of how long they tried to have that baby. Sheesh.

I guess the good thing about parenting after infertility is the extra patience and love I feel that I have for my child, particularly when I am woken up every night at 1 & 4 to feed him. I look at him in amazement every.single.minute.of.every.single.day. I don't mean that fertile parents don't love their children. I think it is possible, though, that they may not have the same level of appreciation for how amazing a new baby truly is. I don't think I would have been quite as patient if my little boy had just landed in my lap without such unfathomable effort.

Just really sayin' that parenting is not easy just because it is something I waited so long for. I am not upset that it is not easy. I didn't expect it to be, really. I just don't think it is fair that I have to be afraid of getting rude comments if I even so much as mention that I am tired...

The gift that keeps on taking...

I only call infertility a gift in the sense that I feel I have been given the gift of becoming a stronger person for having gone through it. Unfortunately it keeps on taking from me in so many ways that I did not anticipate.

1. I have not "gotten over it" now that I am a mom. I still 'feel' infertile. It has taken who I was.

2. It has taken my ability to identify with others. I still relate more to my infertile friends than my friends with kids, but I don't really fit on with either group. Parenting after infertility MUST be different than parenting when you know you can pop out another kid at any time, even "accidentally." My coworker strongly disagreed, but I tried to explain that I live daily with an, at times, overwhelming feeling that something will happen to my precious child and while I know he is irreplaceable, I also am well aware that I can't just get pregnant again and have another child to love. It took 6 years last time and since I will be turning 40, I don't HAVE 6 years:(

I cannot 100% fit in with my infertile friends because I was one of the lucky people who ended up pregnant naturally in the end. I know what they are feeling because I spent many years thinking I would never have a child, but in the end I have my child so I will never know truly how it would feel to never have the one thing I so desperately wanted. I am so sorry for anyone who is at that point in this journey. I know that after 6 years, I was beyond exhausted. I was just surviving minute to minute some days and feeling so alone.

3. It has taken from my ability to feel happiness for others. Frustratingly, I still have a hard time being as happy as I would like to be for friends who are now pregnant after only going through infertility for 2 or 3 years. I will always be very bitter about the fact that most people really can't imagine what it feels like to struggle with infertility for SIX YEARS (that is 72 MONTHS of despair). My misery was only just beginning to settle in after 2 years. That is when the first of four miscarriages and at least 9 fertility treatments STARTED. Their ending after 2 or 3 years was just the beginning for me. This is not to say that they did not struggle, I just feel that they may not have reached the same depth of despair. I realize that this feeling seems unfair, but it is just how I feel and I can't help that. Logically, I know that infertility experienced on any level is a life crisis and if I were to go back to how I was feeling after only two years, I would have told you that it was the worst experience of my life. I just didn't realize at the time how bad it could get. It is only in hindsight that I can say that two years really isn't so bad in the grand scheme. There are certainly people who have suffered more than I have who would say that 6 years is nothing, try 10 years etc. I don't want to minimize anyone's struggle with infertility no matter how long he or she has struggled. We are all together in this. I just can't help but feel bitter that I struggled for sooo long. It is more about me than about anyone else. This is still something that I am trying to work through... I HATE still feeling bitter. I hope I have not offended anyone with this part of the post, the purpose of my blog is to be brutally honest with my feelings, no matter how horrible they may seem. I have a hunch there are other people who feel the same.

4. It has taken away my hope for a second child and replaced it with the fear of ever having to experience loss again. I am terrified to go through that ever again. I make it a point to appreciate what I have for I am fortunate, but I still have a hole in my heart for the 4 siblings my son has that he will never meet and a fear that I am still "broken" and will never get to experience pregnancy again. As stressful as it was, I loved being pregnant and the time my son and I shared together back when I did not have to share him with anyone else in the world. (For those reading this who have not yet gotten pregnant, I am sure the thought, "Are you kidding me? At least you got to BE pregnant. I may never experience that!" is crossing your mind. I completely understand. I know I would have had the same thought a few years back. It is okay and perfectly normal.).

So, those are some of the big things that infertility has taken from me. I try to appreciate the perspective it has given me on life. Oddly, I would not trade my experience (and I said this long before I had my son) because it has made me who I am today and it is a part of me. I just don't know if people realize that infertility isn't something that ends when you have a child. It truly is the gift that keeps on taking...

PUI

PUI. Posting under the influence. Not a good idea. I realized this after I went back and read my last entry... Not super cohesive. Hope it made sense to someone out there!

I am not on Facebook. Never been a fan. I never joined because I did not have the energy to try to make my life look perfect. The only places I could have checked in at were fertility clinics and pharmacies anyway. It is probably a good thing the internet barely existed when I was in college. Thre was no MySpace or Faceook. Those could have been some REALLY messy posts under the influence. I'm not gonna lie, I am a tiny bit under the influence right now. I had a very rough day at work and it was the only coping strategy that fit into my schedule. To say that I am beyond exhausted would be a gross understatement. I am not sure how much longer I will post here since I don't think anyone is really reading this. I would at least like to be able to post the birth story at some point and I think I am just about there. I want to do that when I am not PUI though... Not sure when that will be!!

The irony of it

So, today was yet another reminder that I will always be an "infertile." I had an appointment with my naturopathic doctor today to talk to her about my joint pain. I have had joint pain in my fingers, toes and knees since March. My knees actually feel better, but my fingers are a MESS. Particularly my right thumb. I am shocked every day by the number of things you do with your thumb that you can take for granted!! Anyway, my doctor referred me for some bloodwork and an xray. So I am sitting in a chair at the imaging place with my hand on a black base under the xray machine and the technician leaves the room to take the picture (or so I thought). She then comes back and carefully asks if I have had a hysterectomy. I tell her no, that I had a baby. Then she asks me if there is any possibility that I could be pregnant and I have a quick chuckle. Seriously?? Anyone else would not have thought much of it, but I wanted to say, "Lady, you have no idea- it took us SEVEN YEARS to have a baby, please go ahead with the xray since I have driven all the way here in the 113 degree heat. There is no way I could be pregnant." But, to my dismay, I was told that I would need proof (a blood test) before they would do the xray. Now, I totally understand the theory behind this, but really??! What infertile person enjoys having a pregnancy test done, much less one that they know for a fact will come back as a BFN!? I had a momentary panic attack at the thought after having soooo many BFNs, but my thumb hurts enough that I will just do it and get it over with.

I think if I were still in the thick of infertility, I would have fallen completely apart right then and there. Every day I read blogs of those who are still in the thick of it all and many times tears will start to sting my eyes. I came across a blog today that may as well have been written by me. The girl writing it described the experience of infertility soooooo well. I had all of the same thoughts as her at various points along my journey, but could never have articulated each of those thoughts as well as she did. I don't know which blog it was because the internet connection on my phone stopped working and I lost it. I will be searching it out, though.

I had always thought (hoped) that once I became pregnant or had a child that infertility would magically disappear and I would never get on that ride again. Well, I was mistaken. While I have been fortunate to get off the rollercoaster, I will always live in the park. I would call it an amusement park, but I am not sure that "amusement" is really the right word. Either way, I will forever spend my days walking around the park observing the reactions of those in line for the ride, hearing the screams of those still on it and waiting for others to get off. I don't want to leave my sisters in the park alone, but I don't think I will ever really "fit in" outside of the park. And that is okay. I think that we need to support each other at whatever stage we are in. I know that watching someone else get off the ride is a time of mixed emotion. Part of you is insanely jealous because that person has gotten what you wanted so badly and may or may not seem to have worked as hard as you did, but part of you is happy that one of your infertile sisters reached her goal. It is a tricky place to be emotionally. It is exhausting and schizophrenic. I know that some people who have read this blog (I see that 186 people actually have even though I am not really cool enough to have followers!) may not want to read any further because it is not always exciting to hear about the happy ending and I totally understand. Maybe my earliest posts will be helpful, though.

If you read back in my blog to the point where I was feeling more "comfortable" on the ride (Feb/Mar/April 2010), you can see that I had hope that things would be ok whether or not I had a baby. I NEVER would have thought that was possible if I had not experienced it myself. I was feeling stronger and thought that I would be ok no matter what happened. (Not that I would not always have had a hole in my heart for the child/children I never had). I had no idea what the future would hold at the point.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my infertility and acknowledge how fortunate I am to be walking around the park and not on the ride. I wish I had known that all of the feelings I was having on the ride, no matter how bitter they seemed, were normal and okay. Really, nobody should tell ANYONE else how to feel. You feel how you feel and that is okay. I am thinking of all of you out there who are still on the ride and I am hoping that some of what I have been through could help even one of you. Please read my post about saving $15,000 from earlier this month as it gives a few last ditch ideas if you have already tried everything. Words cannot express the sadness I feel when I read of another failed ivf or disheartening diagnosis. I want to give people hope, especially since I was always told I had bad eggs and would never have a baby without medical intervention. I don't consider my child a bad egg. Eventually I will post a birth story, but I am still not quite ready yet. The after-effects of infertility suck (certainly not as bad as infertility sucks). I don't want to complain, but I also don't want anyone to think they get to leave the park...

Looking back...

I find myself looking back on the past seven years lately and having a hard time believing that I actually went through all that I did. If someone told me I would have to endure that all over again, I honestly don't think I could bear it. I went back to my old job last week and was amazed at my ability to focus on my work without being distracted with thoughts of infertility for more than 7 seconds at a time. I couldn't believe how productive I was even though I get far less sleep nowadays. I knew that infertility had taken its toll, but I keep seeing new ways in which it did that.

I am so sad for the time lost. I apologize to anyone and everyone who met me during that time. I must have come off as such a bitter, angry person. I actually WAS a bitter, angry person, but just under the surface was a sadness that ran so deep it threatened my very existence. There is still sadness that comes with losing my babies, but it doesn't run with the level of anxiety that it used to. There is still some anxiety (well, more than 'some' anxiety) that comes with the thought of getting back onto a rollercoaster ride that I spent years trying to get off, but I am not ready to stand in line for a ticket for that ride quite yet. I want to bask in the stillness for just a bit longer.

I frequently find myself waking just before I fall asleep to thoughts of the other shoe dropping and squashing the life right out of me. Before getting off the rollercoaster, but toward the end of my journey, I felt a sense of being able to survive anything. Now that I am on "the other side" I feel a strange sense of guilt for being so lucky even though I endured more than many. My heart aches for those who have endured so much more. I sometimes feel like I didnt really "survive" infertility per se, I just had the good fortune of getting off the rollercoaster. I sometimes feel that it is those who did not get the original happy ending who are the true survivors. Having to carve out a new life different from the one they planned. Sometimes I feel like the little kid who whined soooo much that she finally got her way. Deep down I know that I earned my happy ending, but what about those who have worked harder, but didn't get what they wanted?

It makes me sad that infertility is such a mind fuck.

Now I am just rambling. I just wanted to get those thoughts out before I lay me down to sleep...

My two cents may save you $15,000...

So, I am not quite ready to post a full update, but as I was pondering when I might be able to post I realized that I didn't need to necessarily post an update. I really just want to throw some information out there that someone may need right now to save them from even just one BFN.

If you are reading this post because you saw that your medical profile is similar to mine (borderline high FSH, fibroids, advanced maternal age, recurrent pregnancy loss, thyroid issues, activated NK cells, DQ Alpha match (4.1-one of the toughest matches to have), homozygous MTHFR- A1298C, failed IVF cycles, horrible egg quality, mild endometriosis, possible adenomyosis, yadda, yadda, yadda), I want you to promise me you will try two things before you give up or move on. These are two things that I feel are the reasons I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant:

1. I stopped eating gluten and dairy, though I did not test positive for Celiac Disease. I think that I may just be intolerant. I have always had issues with dairy, but spent many years in denial (I mean, really, a Wisconsin girl cannont live without cheese, right?). I think that gluten and dairy were both causing inflammation in my system which in turn affected my hormone levels, which in turn may have affected my egg quality. Now, I am not a doctor so I don't know anything for sure. All I know is that things were different after I stopped eating gluten and dairy.

2. I had food allergy testing done. I had other food sensitivities that I also feel were causing inflammation (beans, pork, beef, GARLIC!!! etc.). I also avoided these foods.

After eliminating these foods from my diet, I felt less bloated, less crabby and just better in general. Within four months of doing this, I had gotten pregnant twice. I STRONGLY believe that food sensitivities may be one of the causes of many diseases including infertility and I believe that most REs do not want people to know this because it would impact their earnings. I am not saying that this is the answer for everyone, but I do think there are people who have similar profiles to my own who certainly could benefit from such simple (and almost free)changes.

I do also want to throw a shout out to my friends, Lovenox, Prednisone and Intralipids. I believe that while I was not using these items at the time of conception, I did begin using them within days of my first positive hpt and I feel that they played a role in allowing the pregnancy to continue.

Lastly, PLEASE do not hesitate to disagree with your doctor or be persistent about being prescribed prednisone, lovenox, progesterone, intralipids or whatever it is that you may need. While my regular ob/gyn made me swear I would not get pregnant again for at least 18 months because I kept him on his toes, I do not regret my sometimes feisty attitude toward getting whatever it is that I felt I needed to sustain a pregnancy. (For the record, I would NOT have wanted to have me as a patient either...).

Anyway, I know that every case is very different in the land of infertility, but if anyone with similar issues can benefit from what I have learned the hard way it will make my journey more meaningful. I would not wish 6+ years of infertility on my worst enemy.

I hope my two cents can save someone the $15,000 an IVF cycle might cost...

More later!
P.S. Check out Dr. Sher's blog at ivfauthority.com. He knows a lot about immunologic implantation issues!

Former ghost blog

Wow. I just found out that my blog has turned in to a "ghost blog," which is basically a blog that someone abandons without saying goodbye. I have always run into blogs like this throughout my infertility journey and they have always driven me nuts! I hate not knowing how things turn out for someone. I need closure! So, imagine how I felt when I realized that I had become one of THOSE bloggers. I hope that I did not leave anyone hanging! It would be like me missing the finale of "Big Brother" after watching every episode leading up to it. I would be annoyed. Now, I do have two reasons that I feel are valid for accidentally turning this into a ghost blog:

1. I had absolutely NO idea that anyone had EVER read my blog. When I first started this blog, I couldn't figure out how to track the number of visitors so I just assumed that since nobody left comments it meant that nobody was reading it. (Kinda makes you wonder how I earned a Master's Degree...). I don't know where I got the assumption that my blog was not seen, since I have read a million infertility blogs and never once left a comment.

2. At the time I stopped blogging, I figured that it would only be a monthlong hiatus. I was pregnant and convinced that if I posted anything about my pregnancy, it would disappear. I think that anyone who has dealt with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss will understand that statement even though it sounds completely nuts.

Assuming that anyone has read this before and has waited for an update, I would like to give you one, however I still have that "infertile superstition" and am afraid if I update, something bad will happen. I was never superstitious before infertility, but once I entered the world of infertility I started become perpetually afraid of "jinxing" something. It became borderline OCD.

I promise I will be posting more in the next couple of months for anyone who is interested. I hope that this post will erase my status as a "ghost blogger." I still feel like I am just talking to myself, so please leave a comment if you have anything you would like to say (my mom always said that "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all") or have any questions for me. I have learned A LOT (of things I didn't want to ever know) over the past 7 years about infertility...