Looking back...

I find myself looking back on the past seven years lately and having a hard time believing that I actually went through all that I did. If someone told me I would have to endure that all over again, I honestly don't think I could bear it. I went back to my old job last week and was amazed at my ability to focus on my work without being distracted with thoughts of infertility for more than 7 seconds at a time. I couldn't believe how productive I was even though I get far less sleep nowadays. I knew that infertility had taken its toll, but I keep seeing new ways in which it did that.

I am so sad for the time lost. I apologize to anyone and everyone who met me during that time. I must have come off as such a bitter, angry person. I actually WAS a bitter, angry person, but just under the surface was a sadness that ran so deep it threatened my very existence. There is still sadness that comes with losing my babies, but it doesn't run with the level of anxiety that it used to. There is still some anxiety (well, more than 'some' anxiety) that comes with the thought of getting back onto a rollercoaster ride that I spent years trying to get off, but I am not ready to stand in line for a ticket for that ride quite yet. I want to bask in the stillness for just a bit longer.

I frequently find myself waking just before I fall asleep to thoughts of the other shoe dropping and squashing the life right out of me. Before getting off the rollercoaster, but toward the end of my journey, I felt a sense of being able to survive anything. Now that I am on "the other side" I feel a strange sense of guilt for being so lucky even though I endured more than many. My heart aches for those who have endured so much more. I sometimes feel like I didnt really "survive" infertility per se, I just had the good fortune of getting off the rollercoaster. I sometimes feel that it is those who did not get the original happy ending who are the true survivors. Having to carve out a new life different from the one they planned. Sometimes I feel like the little kid who whined soooo much that she finally got her way. Deep down I know that I earned my happy ending, but what about those who have worked harder, but didn't get what they wanted?

It makes me sad that infertility is such a mind fuck.

Now I am just rambling. I just wanted to get those thoughts out before I lay me down to sleep...