It is real now.

Well, it's official. The baby grew by a week since the last ultrasound almost a week ago and it had a heart rate in the 150s. I was even given a due date and told to make an appointment with my regular ob/gyn. I am totally freaked out at the thought of telling my ob. He is going to freak that I am back already and pregnant. Hopefully I will be way less crazy. This pregnancy is already wildly different from my first. Once you have given birth it is different because you know it is possible. My anxiety lies more now with the baby staying. I just can't wrap my head around having two children 16 months apart.

I am tired and nauseous, so I am going to sign off... will update later. I have an intralipid treatment tomorrow morning.

Bloated

That is how I feel right now. Utterly bloated and looking like a human pin cushion from the twice daily Lovenox shots. I swear that my belly button used to be lower. Whenever I go to give myself a shot, I am shocked by how high my belly button is. Not sure when that happened. I may just be getting old and fat :( Or, hopefully it is just that my uterus still thinks I am pregnant. At least if that's the case there is hope that the bloat will disappear without too much work.

Anyway, this is just a short post because I am so tired and it is waaaay past my bedtime. Not much new really to report here. No spotting yet, but based on previous history it should start up again tomorrow... We'll see.

Update...ish

Not really much of an update, but whatever. I still have zero symptoms other than fatigue and very occasional heartburn. Even the pulling sensation I had a few days ago is gone. Still no sore boobs, which is kinda nice in the sense that I don't have to do the endless "boob checks" that us repeated losers do. I will admit to an occasional one, but certainly not 10,000 of them. Still no nausea, which is also a bit nice since I hate feeling like I am going to throw up all the time...

So, basically still a blighted ovum. I was able to convince my doctor's office that I needed an ultrasound before Thanksgiving so that I would have a better idea of when to schedule the D&C. It's funny, we just found out that a friend of ours is pregnant for the second time and I can guarantee you the thought of a miscarriage hasn't even crossed her mind. Must be nice. I at least got to experience what it was like to have sex and actually get pregnant quickly and let me tell you, it was really weird. I felt like a traitor at first since this is nowhere infertiles are usually welcome. I even sensed a little jealousy from a close friend who had a short bout with infertility and is now pregnant. I think no matter what, we all feel a little stab when someone gets pregnant so easily, even if it is after enduring more than most people should ever have to endure in the infertile world. I always keep in mind that there are people who have endured far more than I have and may never get their miracle. The only thing that makes me feel like less of a traitor is the fact that I am carrying an empty gestational sac around and have to wait until the first week of December for my D&C. That is more "infertile-like." As you can tell, I feel far more comfy in the infertile world.

No matter what, anyone who has suffered a miscarriage (or FIVE), will forever be robbed of the pure elation of a bfp should bring. Once you know what can and does happen it is never the same, even if you got pregnant your first cycle after your rainbow baby.

Recurrent Loser.

I like that term better than "habitual aborter." Somehow I had hoped that after giving birth one time to a healthy baby I would never have to endure the pain of miscarriage again. I knew that was really wishful thinking, but here I am. Already. My son is going to be 8 months old on Saturday and I am pregnant again (for the moment). I realize an infertile reading this is going to scream and say, "F you- I don't want to hear you complain about a damn thing, you have your miracle and you should be grateful." I am extremely grateful for my miracle, but I realize now that this was not the end of my losses. I can't keep going through this, it is physically and mentally draining. Because I will be turning 40 soon, we decided that we would not "try" to get pregnant, but that we would not "not try" either. IMHO, you are technically trying if you are not using protection. Either way, by some miracle I got knocked up **almost** like a normal person. Very strange indeed. Not even sure why I took a pregnancy test, but it came back positive right away. I finished the last few sips of wine in case this would be a long-term thing. My hcg on Halloween was 39 (probably 12dpo). Two days later my hcg was 127. It tripled, but then so did the hcg with my last blighted ovum...

Now, tell me if it is strange that I am already bugging my doctor's office for the earliest possible ultrasound so that I can get this overwith. I have planned the d&c in my head and need it to be on Nov. 23rd or at the very latest, the 30th. Those are the only days my husband and I are both available. I do NOT want to drag this out like last time I had a blighted ovum. How do I know it is a blighted ovum, you ask? Well, for starters I have no breast tenderness. Same as with my blighted ovum in December/January 2009 if you care to read. My main "symptom" is that I am completely and utterly exhausted. And that is probably from taking care of an almost 8 month old while working a lot. Fortunately, this kind of thing is a million times easier than when it happens before you have a live baby. I am very distracted between work and my son that I often forget that I am pregnant at all. NOT a good sign, really, as far as a healthy pregnancy goes. At least my doctor hasn't said, "Think positive." Yet. I think he knows that this is a blighted ovum, too. The whole thing is sad, but there is FAR less anxiety associated with it after having gone through this all sooooo many times already.

Will update again as soon as I get everything figured out. My guess now is that nobody is going to want to read a blog like this... I apologize for being "that" person.

Another reason I know this is a blighted ovum is that my husband and I share a dq alpha match of 4.1. My husband is an 0201, 0401 and I am an 0301, 0401. Men who contribute a sperm with 0201 will always be blighted ovums. Which sucks. I HATE having d&cs. They are just plain unpleasant.

Anyway, we will see how this goes and if I can get an earlier scan. In the meantime, I will sit here with my zero symptoms and start the grieving process for another loss...