Still sucks...

Not really anything new to report today. Had pretty bad cramping yesterday, so the bleeding should follow soon I would think. Hard to say as I have never made it this far into a pregnancy before. Usually I start bleeding when my hcg gets to <5. That may take a little extra time in this case since my levels were way higher.

I am on "vacation" from work until Jan. 4th, so I have plenty of time to post now. And plenty of time to google. I am done googling "no yolk sac at 5w3d." I have read everything there is to read. Of course there are the stories of hope, but most of the stories involving any brown spotting include miscarriage. Even though in my mind I KNOW that I am miscarrying, there is that stupid voice that is always there saying, "You never know." But I DO know. Is there anyone who studies psychology out there that can explain this form of torture to me? Is it just so hard for me to accept yet another loss that I continue to carry that little shred of hope like a child who carries around that last shred of their "blankie" after it has been worn thin from constant use? What the hell is wrong with me? Sadly it is probably a good thing that I will never carry a child to term because I honestly don't think I am capable of handling this kind of terror for that long of a period.

So, I did start looking online for some sort of piece of jewelry that I can buy as a memorial for my losses. I am thinking that something with 3 stones, or 3 pieces of some sort. I do feel that it would help me since these types of losses are generally not recognized by society and if they are, they are completely minimized. True that almost 50% will miscarry once in their lifetime, but the reality is that only 1% of us experience 3 or more losses. My first loss was very sad, but it also was the very first sign of hope that I ever had of being able to have a child. Having the second loss occur a month later is when that hope started to fade. It was then that I realized that not only was I having major difficulty GETTING pregnant, NOW I was having major difficulty STAYING pregnant.

Well, I must end this post as my wonderful DH has just brought me Taco Bell for lunch on his lunch break. He just almost let our new kitten out AGAIN. I need to make a sign to put on the door to remind him this afternoon instead of googling...

When will this be over?!

This is getting ridiculous. Have I not been tortured enough this year (or the past 5 years for that matter)? I went in for my ultrasound this morning knowing full well that I would not see much and sure enough, I did not see much. I measured 5 weeks, 3 days which is pretty close to what I had thought but there was nothing but an empty gestational sac. Of course there is the slim chance that in a week, something more could be seen, but it is certainly not likely since my hcg levels are already so high. So, now I am debating whether to order the intralipids for Monday. I hate to waste the money since I am assuming that I will be bleeding by then and there will be no need for them. I just want this to be done so that I can buy that bottle of 2005 Chimney Rock Cabernet and drink the whole thing by myself. This just sucks beyond comprehension.

Well, game not quite over yet...

So, i anxiously awaited the phone call from the nurse which finally came at 2:30. When I asked her how she was she said, "Great!" which I thought was a bit odd considering that I was in the middle of a miscarriage. Apparently I am not, but I still think someone screwed up on those numbers. She had me guess my hcg and I had no clue. It was 10, 268. (Yes, ten THOUSAND two hundred sixty-eight). I am still wondering if someone fucked up and added an 8 at the end. You seriously could have knocked me over with a feather. Now, I am still concerned that my TSH level has gone up to 5.58 and that my pregnancy symptoms just don't seem that bad. My boobs are just a tiny bit sore on the sides and my nipples might even be getting a little sore. I did have some supersonic smelling capability, but haven't been bothered by it the past few days. Other than that, I have lost weight due to the stress and not eating much. I am not really craving anything, but nothing really sounds good either. I had a bad headache last night and that is about it. I would actually like to be throwing up right now because it would honestly make me feel 100 times better. (Only an infertile would say that out loud).

Anyway, so that is my update. If there is actually something to be seen on ultrasound tomorrow, then I will go ahead and order some more intralipid to be given on Monday. I am not really a praying kind of person, but please, please, please, let my little bug stick.

Game over.

Well, not a huge surprise, but very sad nonetheless. I had a horrible headache when I went to bed last night and couldn't sleep very well. Just before I left to get my last beta this morning, I went to the bathroom and had brown spotting mixed with what was left of the suppository (tmi, I know). Right then I knew. I didn't really feel pregnant anymore either and didn't last night. So, the old, "If it sounds to good to be true, it IS too good to be true" was right again. I knew this all along, but did not want to believe it. I am happy to say that I at least took a few minutes here and there and tried to enjoy being technically pregnant. I will at least have the memories (no real comfort right now, but maybe later).

The nurse at my ob/gyn's office was sweet, but also said that she 'understands.' I would beg to differ. I am pretty sure that she has not endured almost 6 years of infertility along with multiple surgeries, multiple fertility treatments (not covered by insurance) and THREE miscarriages. Very few people can truly understand. I HATE it when people say, "Yeah, I totally understand, I had a miscarriage once, too." REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Does it take YOU at least 3 years to even GET pregnant so that you could HAVE your miscarriage? I hate it when people who get pregnant easily complain about having miscarriages. It must be really rough to know that you can just try again next month. Because it takes me 3 years to GET pregnant, I will never be pregnant again because I will be in my 40s by then. Besides which, I am going on the pill as soon as this miscarriage ends. This CANNOT happen to me again. I know that life is not fair, but this is ridiculous. Now I get to sit and wait to hear from the doctor's office to see whether I will need a d&c. Great way to ring in yet another decade of misery.

Still pregnant...for now.

Today is what I fear will be the last day I can say that I am pregnant :( I am so lucky to have made it this far, but I just don't see it going any farther. My hcg levels have never made it past the 200s. The odds are absolutely not in our favor, unfortunately. If we didn't have the DQ Alpha 4.1 match, I would say there was a chance, but that is just not the case. The anxiety of the past few days compares with that of the anxiety of finding out whether you had any eggs fertilize during an IVF cycle and then waiting to see if they grow. I have lost 4lbs since finding out I was pregnant. It is not morning sickness, though. I think it is generalized anxiety. Nothing really sounds good to me. I can't even think of a restaurant to eat at and I am not even craving chocolate. It is actually quite sad. I have to just accept the fact that I am not a normal pregnant person and get on with it.

My cramping has died down a bit and my boobs are still small and only sore on the sides. (Completely different from my first 2 pregnancies that both ended in m/c- i had way more symptoms with those!). This all leads me to believe that the whole thing is over. Torturing me with the idea that I could possibly have my own child seems just cruel. Why did my betas have to triple like that? I mean, I guess it will be better to get the news tomorrow rather than getting to the 9-week ultrasound and getting sad news. All I have ever dreamed of is at least being able to document one of my pregnancies on ultrasound, maybe to make it seem more real since my other 2 losses were so early. I almost wish I didn't have to do the beta tomorrow and I could just wait to do the ultrasound. If I started bleeding before then, I would know, but I wouldn't have to get that dreaded phone call saying, "I'm sorry, your numbers didn't double as they should have. You should start bleeding soon. I am sure you will have better luck next time." Better luck next time??? What next time??? This pregnancy took a total of 5.5 years and over $50,000 to achieve and it wasn't technically even supposed to happen! What next time?????? I know, now I have myself all worked up into a tizzy. I just need to start to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am sure that anyone who has suffered a loss, especially those who spent years trying to even get a bfp, can understand my need for self-preservation. I find that it is better to expect the worst and go from there. Positive thinking doesn't work for me. Believe me, I tried it with that last IVF and all it did was allow me to crash further than I ever had. It was a LONG way down. I always keep a tiny place in my heart for hope, but that place is getting harder to find...

Christmas Eve Day

I didn't post yesterday, but still wanted to wish everyone a Happy Festivus (yeah, that holiday for the rest of us!). Now, on to Christmas. Usually I just go with Merry Christmahanukwanzaakah, so as not to offend anyone. I don't really celebrate according to any religion, but usually just enjoy the excitement of the holiday season and getting to catch up with friends and family. This year, we had planned not to celebrate at all as it has been one of our more difficult years. We didn't even send holiday cards or put up a tree (though that was partly due to the arrival of little Gus, the kitten.). The last five years have really not been stellar, but we at least managed to put up a tree and get the holiday cards out. After DH lost his job last year and I had my myomectomy and then the failed IVF, things got tougher. We had always at least had travel to fall back on and now we don't even have that :( The ups and downs of this year have been particularly up and down. Getting jobs and losing jobs was really hard. DH was hired by two different airlines and was then laid off due to the economy. So, basically he has been laid off from 3 different airlines in a year and a half. That must be a record. He finally has a decent job, but not in the airline industry. He has handled it very well, much better than I ever could. I know that he just wants to fly and it makes me sad that he can't do that. Fortunately I still have my job, but of course I got a pretty big pay cut, so that was both an up and a down.

The time leading up to our 2nd IVF was more of an up, with all of that hope. Then, the failing of the IVF was a major down, with no hope left. I was coming to terms with my reality and working hard to try to accept it and just 'be.' Now, this pregnancy has been sort-of an up and a down. I say that only because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The pregnancy itself is beyond miraculous. The keeping of the pregnancy is now the hard part. I am trying so hard to enjoy it in some way each day. I am grateful for each second of it, but I am beyond terrified. I worry about not having many symptoms, though I do find that my nose is working overtime. I swear everything I smell is 10x stronger than it normally is. Going to the grocery store is now a very interesting experience. There are so many different smells in a grocery store. I never noticed it until now.

This morning I got up at 6am with the help of Gus' back claw ripping through my nose as he jumped on the bed to beg for breakfast. I don't know if it is the heparin or not, but my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Now I have an ugly scab. Anyway, I got up and headed to the lab for yet another blood draw. I got there 25 minutes before they opened because there usually is a line of 20+ people by then waiting for them to open. I was actually the first one there and the ONLY one until just before they opened. I was out of the lab by 7:11am, a new record. I had planned to be there until at least 10am. I even had time to stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick up something to bring to our friend's house tonight. Because we live in AZ, we typically don't go home to WI for the holidays (or any time during the winter for that matter). Most people who live in AZ are not actually FROM here, so there are always other people that can't get back to where they are from to hang out with during the holidays. Of course we would love to see our family, but that is why we gave everyone web cams for Christmas :) Now we can put the camera on the nice green grass and blue sky so that they consider coming to AZ next Christmas.

So, now I am off to go and try to enjoy every second of today and see what happens. Oh, I almost forgot- I emailed Dr. Sher yesterday and he recommended that I do the intralipids every 2 weeks until 20 weeks+. That is a LOT of intralipids (read: fat). Fortunately they are only $400 each vs. the $4000 each for IVIg. I still can't even imagine making it past 5 weeks, so 20 is not on my radar...

Hmm. Betas tripled.

I am not even sure what to think now. The nurse called me this morning to give me the results of yesterday's bloodwork. My hcg went up to 289. That means it tripled in 48 hours. Normally that would be a good sign, but with my progesterone at 17.1 as of the 19th, I am still concerned. The nurse wants to do another blood test next Monday. To me, that sounds like 2012. Are you kidding? That is FIVE days from now. That is an eternity in the world of an infertile. This truly is all a very sick joke.

Speaking of sick jokes, I went in yesterday to do my intralipid treatment and the room I got to do it in is the room where only pregnant people are allowed to be (thank god my hcg levels actually qualified me for that!). It is the relaxing spa-like room where they hook people up to the fetal heart monitor and ultrasound machine to check on their babies.

The lady who was laying there when I first walked in was carrying twins and she was at 29 weeks and having contractions. The heartbeats were soooo loud. I wanted to ask them to turn the volume down, but I didn't want to wear out my welcome. I was just lucky that they were willing to do this intralipid treatment since it is so controversial, so I kept my mouth shut. At first it was very upsetting to hear the one thing that I may never get to hear for myself. I haven't even made it to an ultrasound. Well, I take that back. I did once, but there was absolutely NOTHING in my uterus. That started the whole concern for an ectopic. Blah, blah, blah. So, anyway, the heartbeats ended up being more fascinating than anything. The first lady got up to leave and I couldn't believe how skinny she was. No wonder she was having contractions!

The second girl walked in (I say girl because she could not have been more than 17 years old). She was wearing a tank top with skulls and cross bones all over it and her bra straps peeking out and initially, my thought was, "OMG, how come SHE gets to stay pregnant and I never do!?". Never judge a book by its cover. The poor girl was giving her baby up for adoption. No matter how much you don't want that baby, it still must be so hard to give it up in the end. I wanted to tell her how happy she is going to make some family and how truly selfless the act of giving up her baby is, but I didn't want to be poke my nose where it didn't belong. Maybe she would have been offended. Either way, I admire her courage.

The third girl must have been an infertility patient at some point. She seemed like the type who could't believe that she had made it this far and was still thinking that she might not make it all the way. She only had 7 weeks to go, but was completely freaked. Fortunately, the baby was fine, but this gave me a glimpse into the future if I were ever to make it that far myself. I'm freaking out more than you can imagine already and I am only a few days into this business. Not sure if I have what it takes to make it all the way. Too many things out of my control. I feel like I have already learned the lesson that I have absolutely no control over anything, but maybe I really haven't. Maybe I will never learn that.

So after sitting with an IV dripping pure FAT into my body for 2.5 hours, it was time to go. Can't wait to see what that looks on my "thass" (my word for 'thighs' and 'ass' since mine seem to be one in the same- I inherited that from my mom's side which is why I hadn't been all that against using a donor egg from the get-go). Of course, I came home and decided that this would be the perfect night to try a new restaurant up the street called, "Indulge Burgers and More." I'm sure there was no fat at all in that burger and fries. Yesterday must have been close to a 10,000 calorie day :( YIKES. And if I make it past an ultrasound, I will have to do this intralipid thing once a month for the next 5 months. Bring it on!

Hmm. Beta doubled.

Wow. That was a shocking call I just had from the "nurse turned nice." Funny how much nicer people are to you when you are pregnant. The last 2 times I was pregnant (miscarried both), I remember how it was such a different world right off the bat. First of all, all of the associated tests were FREE! Insurance actually covered something finally! Secondly, everyone was smiling and talking to me in a far more nurturing voice. It was surreal. The irony is that it is those of us who struggle with infertility that need 1.) INSURANCE COVERAGE and 2.) to have someone speak to us with a nurturing voice. The land of infertility is a far colder world than that of an expectant mother.

So, back to that shocking call. My numbers went up to something in the 90's. I thought the nurse said 98, but maybe she said 92 and I had really wanted to hear 98. I know, I know, what kind of person does not remember their 2nd beta 5 minutes after hearing it?? I think I was just in shock that it doubled, well, even ever-so-slightly more than doubled. I have had a beta double in the past and then drop so I have been down this road. I just hope that the scenery is different this time. I want to allow myself to feel one shred of excitement because this could very well be the last day that I am ever pregnant again, but it is hard to even go there. I would love to be like most people who see two pink lines and never even have a beta done. They just get to bippity bop in for their ultrasound at 8 weeks and see the beautiful flicker of a beating heart. They have already bought baby clothes and picked a name and probably even painted the nursery by that time. In the land of the infertiles, there is often not even excitement after seeing two pink lines. For those who have suffered multiple miscarriages, this type of behavior is considered unacceptable. I don't think I would buy one item for a baby until it was safely in my arms. Only then could I even ponder painting a nursery or buying baby clothes. At this point, I am just going to attempt to cherish whatever time I have left with the little one who is hopefully continuing to share my personal space. On a sidenote, it was kind-of funny how protective I felt of the little bug while we were watching the new 3D Avatar movie on Saturday night. Some of those scenes were very loud and scary! There must be something crazy with that whole maternal instinct thing because I actually felt it and I think my bug couldn't be much more than a blob of cells right now. Either way, I am going to try really hard to just enjoy the fact that according to my last beta there may be something going on.

I will be going in at 1:15 today to have the nurse at my ob/gyn's office do an infusion of intralipids. This is supposed to calm my immune system to allow for an embryo to implant. I am going to call Dr. Sher's office to see if they would still advise this as my betas are still very low for early pregnancy. I have notoriously poor egg quality and doing all of the intralipid treatment in the world will not fix that. So, we'll see... (I hate to use "we'll see" because that is what my parents always said when they really meant, "No."). Maybe I should say, still a tiny bit hopeful...

WTF?!?

The universe hates me. What the hell did I do so horribly wrong and when did I do it?? This is the cruelest joke of all. I still can't even believe it. I am still in shock. Ok, ok, I am getting to the point. Let me start this lengthy story by saying that we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Sher on Monday and I was stunned to find out that he still was not recommending egg donor and that he thought I still had a decent chance with my own eggs. (Now, in the month since the failed IVF, I have come to accept that I would not have a biological child of my own and that my parents would never be able to pass down their wonderful traits and be grandparents. I have been in the process of accepting this since my second miscarriage in Aug/Sept of 2006.) I was almost speechless. My hubby actually WAS speechless. He didn't say a word. Dr. Sher ended by saying that I would never get pregnant without intervention. Duh.

In that instant, I was thrust back onto the rollercoaster that I had spent almost 6 years trying to get off. Most people would be excited to hear that they still had hope, but I am exhausted and just want to crawl in a hole and die. After our 2nd failed IVF last month, I was so relieved to not have to take my temperature, be sure I ate right, avoid candles that weren't made of soy and to know that I would NEVER have to go through another egg retrieval as long as I lived. I had enjoyed that right up until about the last week or two when suddenly my post-cycle psychotic moodiness stepped in. It was basically PMS without the sore boobs. Now, not having sore boobs confirmed (in my mind) that ovulation had not occurred. We'll get to that in a minute...

So, after the consult with Dr. Sher, my dear friend called to invite us out for Monday night football with a small group of people. I had planned on opening a bottle of wine and laying low at home, but I figured that they had wine at the restaurant so what the heck. And this way, I could catch up with my friend. Well, catch up I did. After my 3rd glass of wine, I was spouting off about infertility and how nobody understands. I know that she is a very empathetic person, but since she started ttc a few months ago, I have heard quite a bit about basal body temps, opks, the latest vitamins, minerals and/or herbs. All of the things I have already done and don't want to go back and do again. Apparently, this was too much for me to handle and I just sort-of snapped. I don't remember everything I said, but I do remember saying, "You have to accept that you may NEVER get pregnant." I said it three times at least. I was not being very sweet about it either and I know that I upset her. She hasn't seen that angry side before and I have to say I even shocked myself. I haven't been such a bitch since, well, since the last time I was pregnant and I told our secretary at work that she was a bitch!!! I tried to take that back in mid-air, but couldn't. Now, of course, after almost a bottle of wine and some seared ahi tuna, I didn't stop for a second to think that I could be pregnant. That second didn't come until last night when, for whatever reason (certainly not because I had any symptoms), I decided to do a pregnancy test. I only had one test left and I had been saving it for years because I was planning on having it be my "true" positive. I was superstitiously waiting until I KNEW that I was pregnant and could take it just to know for sure that I would see those two lines. Well, I decided to look at the expiration date and it said Feb 2010. Since I knew I would not be doing IVF any time soon, I figured I should just go ahead and use it.

HOLY CRAP! A second pink line appeared within 10 seconds. It was faint but solid and unmistakable. OMG. This can't be happening. I am going to have another miscarriage. Sadly, that was my only thought after WTF. I think of all of the people who get so excited to see those two lines. Neither my husband nor I cracked so much as a smile. It was more like, "Here we go again...we know how these end..." Clearly, this test was too close to its expiration date, so at 11pm on a Wednesday night, I drive to the grocery store. I was the only one there. I quickly grabbed a couple of tests that were on sale and ran to the checkout. I managed to get another positive when I got home and then again when I woke up (after only 3 hours of sleep). I ended upgetting to work and realizing that I forgot my heparin and prednisone. These items were part of my ivf protocol, so I figured I would use the leftovers. I called Dr. Sher's office and even though I am not technically "theirs" now that I had a "natural pregnancy" they were extremely helpful. I made an appointment with my local ob/gyn to get a blood test to confirm pregnancy and then consulted with him regarding the intralipid infusion, heparin, prednisone, progesterone etc. I heard the nurses talking outside the door saying, "what will they think of next?" These treatments are all so "weird." Insensitive fertile bitches. The other nurse had also made a comment about me "only" having two miscarriages. I told her that the two miscarriages were plenty in my book. I think she felt bad then, well at least I HOPE she did. What is wrong with people???

When the nurse called with my beta results from my local clinic, she nonchalantly said, "Yeah, your beta is only 39, so do you still even want to bother doing the intralipid infusion?" So I responded, "So are you saying that I am having a miscarriage?" and she wasn't quite sure how to answer that. We all know that low numbers are never good, so I guess that is my answer.

So now I am laying in bed with some pretty big cramps. Not sure if they mean that it will all be over tomorrow or what. I hate this. I hate that nobody understands what this feels like. This is definitely the sickest joke that has ever been played on me. Who would do this?? Why can't I just have the beautiful beta numbers and the blissful pregnancy that most people get to have? Life is unfair. I get that already. For god's sake, next lesson please...

Lost

I have not posted since the 2ww of our last IVF. I have really had nothing to say. I have been hibernating and avoiding just about everyone. I don't feel like talking on the phone or meeting anyone for lunch. I just want to spend time at home with my husband. I have two friends that I would like to support during their upcoming IVF cycles this month, but I just don't have it in me right now. I would like to just go away and figure all of this out and then come back, but that is not an option. I don't even have any idea what I want right now. I have been given a guarantee that I will never get pregnant naturally and I think I have just about accepted that, though I actually had the insane thought that "it can happen naturally after an IVF cycle." I must really be an idiot... Realistically, this is not going to happen but I still have that stupid thought in the back of my head. I want it to go away- I NEED it to go away and just let me be. If I could just move to a place where everyone was childfree it would be perfect. Does that place exist?? If anyone knows where it is, please let me know.

So, our options at this point are to stop everything and live childfree or do egg donor. I know that my doctor does not feel that egg donor will work in our situation because we have a DQ Alpha match of 4.1. Apparently this is the worst and the only thing that will fix it is to do surrogacy along with egg donation. Unfortunately, I wanted to be pregnant (for more than 2 weeks at a time...). Some days, I wonder if I would really enjoy parenthood beyond pregnancy. I hear so many people complain about it and start to wonder if it is all it's cracked up to be. I have a very nice life with my husband and 3 cats (we acquired the 3rd one during the 2ww since I knew I wasn't pregnant and needed something to love). I would probably have a difficult time giving up my freedom. I actually felt a strange sense of relief when I figured out the the IVF didn't work. I am so tired of doing treatments and knowing that I would never have to go through an egg retrieval again was actually exciting! It is nice to have my life back. I started back at the gym and plan to lose the weight I gained during IVF. I gained 5lbs during the 2ww! Maybe I don't need to figure things out right now, maybe I just need a break. I just don't want to prolong the inevitable.

Is it sad that I am actually dreading talking to the doctor for our last consultation? I think the only reason I m doing it is because it is "free." I am considering it part of the $15,000+ I paid to do this IVF and stay out of town for 2 weeks to do it. A "free" consultation is the least they could give me. As we are all well aware of, nothing is free in the world of IVF.

So, my next postings are likely to just be ramblings as I figure out who I am and what I am going to do. It is terrifying to be so lost. I don't want to feel like I always have to prove to people that living childfree is not a bad thing. I just want to live my life. I actually think that there are amazing benefits to living childfree. At this moment, I feel like that is the direction we are headed. Sadly, I know that I may feel hell-bent on using an egg donor a week from now. I really just have to take life one day at a time anymore to survive. I guess I will check in every few days and see where I am leaning. Jesus, I will probably come up with adoption as a solution tomorrow. I really don't think that would happen, but I will never say never anymore. I remember back when I said I would NEVER do IVF and now I have two IVF cycles under my belt.

Tune in to see where my schizophrenic head takes me in my next post...

Update 6dp3dt

I went back to work for the first time since our IVF cycle out of town. It wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. My coworkers felt really bad and brought me beautiful flowers and a card and did not say anything insensitive the whole day. It was nice to have the support.

I hate how all of this feels. It is a feeling that I have grown unfortunately accustomed to over the past 5+ years. Previously there were more ups than downs, but the downs are now becoming the norm. Everyone always talks about life being "too short," but most days for me it feels far too long. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I look back at pictures and see the sparkle in my eye. It is no longer there. Maybe I am just getting old and that's what happens. I feel like this will never end and that I will never be happy again and that this life was wasted. I know, I know, probably time to call the shrink. Too bad my insurance doesn't cover the one I want to see. She is actually infertile herself and that is the only counselor I want to talk to. Nobody else could come close to "getting" it. I saw a counselor after my second miscarriage and she told me that I should not feel so bad because she mostly works with young moms who hate their lives BECAUSE of having had children. She then went on to say that had she not had 3 kids herself, she never would have gotten divorced. I beg to differ. And that cost me $200 out of pocket. Needless to say, I have been wary of counselors ever since.

Kind-of a depressing post/ramble even though my day really wasn't that bad (all things considered). My new cell phone with the fancy touch screen stopped working, so I did have to go to the store to see if they could figure it out. But that was probably the worst thing...the greatest part of the day was when I stopped by Petco to see the kitties up for adoption. There was a kitty that I had been admiring before I left for our cycle a few weeks ago and I couldn't get him out of my head. I told myself when I went in today that if he was still there then he would be mine. Well, sure enough, there he was! Now I probably shouldn't get too attached because he was the only one without a label on the cage. This either means that he is no longer available or he is getting his nuts chopped off this week. I am hoping that it is the latter (even though I am positive that he does not have the same hope). I really think that he has just been waiting for me this whole time (our other 2 cats will likely argue that). We had been thinking about getting a puppy and I even went to the shelter last weekend, but then the other morning when the kitties were meowing to be fed I realized that if we had a dog we would HAVE to get up and take it out. Then, for a brief moment, I panicked at the thought of having a kid! Yikes! We would have to just get up- period! And stay up! At that particular moment I could not fathom it, but I know that if we did have kids I would have gladly gotten up with them. So, anyway, a kitten it will probably be. I get so excited at the thought, even though I am concerned about how the other two will do. I guess we will find out...

Funny, the title of my post was "Update 6dp3dt" and I haven't mentioned the actual 2ww. This has actually been the least upsetting 2ww ever. I am actually sad to see it end, probably because I know that it is my last and I am not going to like the beta results (assuming I actually have the beta done). From reading the posts from all the other girls that cycled in Las Vegas this month, it sounds like most had a bad cycle so I am not alone. There was actually even one person whose eggs were lower quality than mine if that's possible. I feel for her- she didn't even get to transfer. I probably would have regretted not transferring, but I can't believe I paid an extra couple of thousand dollars to do the transfer only to have to do those damn PIO shots in the arse for an extra 2 weeks. I'm sure I would regret it if I stopped doing them, though, so I will continue. Does anyone else find themselves living "the path of least regret." Maybe that's what I should have called this blog. Unfortunately, I am no longer even on a damn path so I guess that wouldn't have been appropriate. Eventually, my hope is that through these ridiculous ramblings (that no one is likely to see) I will be able to find a path. I feel like the lost puppies and kitties I want to rescue and it makes me want to cry...

Update 5dp3dt

Nothing really to update. All "symptoms" are gone with the last of the trigger shot. The unfortunate part of having been pregnant (and miscarrying) twice is that I have known within a few days of ovulation of every cycle since then that I am not pregnant. Now, this has been good in the sense that I don't have to avoid alcohol or worry about what I am eating, but bad in the sense that usually the 2ww is a little respite of hope. Of course, when you are paying $15,ooo out of pocket for an IVF, the hubby will insist that you not drink and will also insist that you get stuck in the arse by that damn progesterone dagger every night until the very end of the 2ww.

Now, in this particular IVF, we went in with hope that I would come up with more than 2 bad eggs. And the good news is that I did!! I came up with 4 bad eggs! It sounds terrible to call my only children "bad eggs," as I thought all 4 of them were gorgeous in their own way when I saw the picture. It's just that the embryologist didn't think they were cute at all and actually recommended letting 3 of the 4 die and try to see if the best one (still grade 3 and very fragmented) could make it to day 5. Since my hubby and I both knew that none would make it to 5-day, we requested that they transfer all of them so that they could die with me and not in a petri dish. I am, after all, their mother. I am very happy to report that even though this would negatively impact his success rates, our doctor agreed to do this. The nurse said that we didn't need to have the "multiples" talk because there was a ZERO chance of multiples even with 4 embryos. We really didn't even need to have the "baby" talk at that point. The other nurse said, "Stranger things have happened." That can't bode well, even if it WAS a full moon the evening of our transfer... Needless to say, it was an extremely sad night. I stayed in the hotel by myself because my hubby had to get back to his new job (he took a 60% pay cut to work in a job that is completely unrelated to flying- what a trooper!).

So, I sat in the hotel by myself staring at the picture of my embryos. I had to drive back home the next day and decided to screw the 24-hours of bedrest. I got a cheeseburger happy meal and ended up filling the happy meal box with tissues as I cried all the way home. I am lucky I didn't get a ticket. My husband got a very expensive "criminal" ticket on his way home and hiring a lawyer to try to get it off his record is going to cost a pretty penny that we no longer have thanks to the IVF.

Since I have been home, I have avoided any contact with anyone. I had wanted to get my hair cut and couldn't even bring myself to talk to my hairstylist. I think I have just slept, cuddled with the kitties and found every possible way to google any hope for pregnancy. Here are the many ways I have found to search:

1. anyone get pregnant with poor quality embryos

2. anyone get pregnant with poor quality embies

3. pregnant with poor quality embryos

4. pregnant with poor quality embies

5. pregnant with grade 3 embryos

6. pregnant with grade 3 embies

7. pregnant with grade 3 fragmented embryos

8.pregnant with grade 3 fragmented embies

9. pregnant fragmented embryos

10. transfer 4 poor quality embryos

11. transfer 4 poor quality embies

12. low quality embryos

13. low quality embies

14. put back poor quality embryos

15. poor egg quality

16. cockapoo rescue dog adoption

I didn't even bother to try, "pregnant with endometriosis, advanced maternal age, diminished ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, activated NK cell activity, DQAlpha match 4.1 (the worst), homo MTHFR, myomectomy, possible adenomyosis and only 1 ovary that responds." There are ZERO success stories for that situation and most likely never will be- sorry to crush your hopes...

Now I know some of you are thinking, "Of course you will never be pregnant with that negative attitude," but I have to tell you after doing one IVF with a negative attitude and one IVF with a positive attitude there is absolutely NO difference between the outcome of the two. At some point, you have to be realistic or you will never survive.

I do have to say that for those of you who are doing FETs with poor quality embryos, your odds of success seem to be quite a bit higher. I maintain that it is because if the embryos survived being thawed out at all, they must have at least some of what it takes to survive.

So I am now going to try to drag myself to Whole Foods to get some of that CoQ10 that I keep reading about. I know, I know, it is sick and wrong to think that we could ever get pregnant without every possible high-tech medical intervention known to man, but a few pills couldn't hurt I'm sure. Too bad they don't sell valium in mass quantity at Whole Foods...

There is a first for everything...

Well, here I am. I have been talking about starting a blog for over a year now. It was actually originally going to be about living as an expat in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, but that just goes to show you that you should never really count on anything. My husband, a pilot who looks really great in his uniform, was furloughed/laid off from a job at a major airline last September due to the poor economy. This was, of course, perfect timing as we had just put money down on our first IVF and I was still recovering from major surgery done a few weeks before to remove 4 baseball-sized fibroids. On top of that, my month off from work was unpaid. Things did not get better as we found out on Christmas Eve Day that IVF #1 had failed. Go figure.

Now that you are still wondering why I was going to be writing about being an expat, I should tell you that after my husband was laid off, he was lucky enough to get an interview halfway across the world (literally) for an airline based in Abu Dhabi. It was a 4-day interview that 3 of 8 people survived and my husband was one of them. I was so proud!! We had started researching how we were were going to get the kitties (and myself!) to be comfortable on a 17+ hour flight and I was two weeks away from resigning from a job that I am very fortunate to have. That is when we found out that his opportunity at the new airline disappeared. Their growth plan fell through (kinda saw that coming, but was in denial) so they would no longer be needing him in Abu Dhabi.

It was a devastating blow, especially after coming off of our first failed IVF and finding out that a supposedly good friend was pregnant (I had to cut her off for reasons which will likely be explained in a later post...). After that, I kept thinking about starting my blog just to share my, at times hideous, feelings about the unfairness of infertility and of life in general. Now, I am well aware that I am very lucky in many respects (great husband, family, friends, well-educated, own a condo, good job, etc.), however I am also VERY well aware of the one area that I am not so lucky in and that it often seems that nobody understands.

I started reading some other blogs written by infertiles and I was so excited to find that most of them "get it." I say most of them only because I was reading a ridiculous one the other day in which this person whined about being infertile and yet she had gotten pregnant naturally within a year of trying. How is that infertile?? Anyway, I figured that since I can be brutally honest with my feelings, it may help someone else who is thinking the same things that I am. Either that, or I will end up winning an award for being the most bitter and bitchy infertile in blogland (assuming that someone will actually read this!).