So, today was yet another reminder that I will always be an "infertile." I had an appointment with my naturopathic doctor today to talk to her about my joint pain. I have had joint pain in my fingers, toes and knees since March. My knees actually feel better, but my fingers are a MESS. Particularly my right thumb. I am shocked every day by the number of things you do with your thumb that you can take for granted!! Anyway, my doctor referred me for some bloodwork and an xray. So I am sitting in a chair at the imaging place with my hand on a black base under the xray machine and the technician leaves the room to take the picture (or so I thought). She then comes back and carefully asks if I have had a hysterectomy. I tell her no, that I had a baby. Then she asks me if there is any possibility that I could be pregnant and I have a quick chuckle. Seriously?? Anyone else would not have thought much of it, but I wanted to say, "Lady, you have no idea- it took us SEVEN YEARS to have a baby, please go ahead with the xray since I have driven all the way here in the 113 degree heat. There is no way I could be pregnant." But, to my dismay, I was told that I would need proof (a blood test) before they would do the xray. Now, I totally understand the theory behind this, but really??! What infertile person enjoys having a pregnancy test done, much less one that they know for a fact will come back as a BFN!? I had a momentary panic attack at the thought after having soooo many BFNs, but my thumb hurts enough that I will just do it and get it over with.
I think if I were still in the thick of infertility, I would have fallen completely apart right then and there. Every day I read blogs of those who are still in the thick of it all and many times tears will start to sting my eyes. I came across a blog today that may as well have been written by me. The girl writing it described the experience of infertility soooooo well. I had all of the same thoughts as her at various points along my journey, but could never have articulated each of those thoughts as well as she did. I don't know which blog it was because the internet connection on my phone stopped working and I lost it. I will be searching it out, though.
I had always thought (hoped) that once I became pregnant or had a child that infertility would magically disappear and I would never get on that ride again. Well, I was mistaken. While I have been fortunate to get off the rollercoaster, I will always live in the park. I would call it an amusement park, but I am not sure that "amusement" is really the right word. Either way, I will forever spend my days walking around the park observing the reactions of those in line for the ride, hearing the screams of those still on it and waiting for others to get off. I don't want to leave my sisters in the park alone, but I don't think I will ever really "fit in" outside of the park. And that is okay. I think that we need to support each other at whatever stage we are in. I know that watching someone else get off the ride is a time of mixed emotion. Part of you is insanely jealous because that person has gotten what you wanted so badly and may or may not seem to have worked as hard as you did, but part of you is happy that one of your infertile sisters reached her goal. It is a tricky place to be emotionally. It is exhausting and schizophrenic. I know that some people who have read this blog (I see that 186 people actually have even though I am not really cool enough to have followers!) may not want to read any further because it is not always exciting to hear about the happy ending and I totally understand. Maybe my earliest posts will be helpful, though.
If you read back in my blog to the point where I was feeling more "comfortable" on the ride (Feb/Mar/April 2010), you can see that I had hope that things would be ok whether or not I had a baby. I NEVER would have thought that was possible if I had not experienced it myself. I was feeling stronger and thought that I would be ok no matter what happened. (Not that I would not always have had a hole in my heart for the child/children I never had). I had no idea what the future would hold at the point.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my infertility and acknowledge how fortunate I am to be walking around the park and not on the ride. I wish I had known that all of the feelings I was having on the ride, no matter how bitter they seemed, were normal and okay. Really, nobody should tell ANYONE else how to feel. You feel how you feel and that is okay. I am thinking of all of you out there who are still on the ride and I am hoping that some of what I have been through could help even one of you. Please read my post about saving $15,000 from earlier this month as it gives a few last ditch ideas if you have already tried everything. Words cannot express the sadness I feel when I read of another failed ivf or disheartening diagnosis. I want to give people hope, especially since I was always told I had bad eggs and would never have a baby without medical intervention. I don't consider my child a bad egg. Eventually I will post a birth story, but I am still not quite ready yet. The after-effects of infertility suck (certainly not as bad as infertility sucks). I don't want to complain, but I also don't want anyone to think they get to leave the park...
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