I only call infertility a gift in the sense that I feel I have been given the gift of becoming a stronger person for having gone through it. Unfortunately it keeps on taking from me in so many ways that I did not anticipate.
1. I have not "gotten over it" now that I am a mom. I still 'feel' infertile. It has taken who I was.
2. It has taken my ability to identify with others. I still relate more to my infertile friends than my friends with kids, but I don't really fit on with either group. Parenting after infertility MUST be different than parenting when you know you can pop out another kid at any time, even "accidentally." My coworker strongly disagreed, but I tried to explain that I live daily with an, at times, overwhelming feeling that something will happen to my precious child and while I know he is irreplaceable, I also am well aware that I can't just get pregnant again and have another child to love. It took 6 years last time and since I will be turning 40, I don't HAVE 6 years:(
I cannot 100% fit in with my infertile friends because I was one of the lucky people who ended up pregnant naturally in the end. I know what they are feeling because I spent many years thinking I would never have a child, but in the end I have my child so I will never know truly how it would feel to never have the one thing I so desperately wanted. I am so sorry for anyone who is at that point in this journey. I know that after 6 years, I was beyond exhausted. I was just surviving minute to minute some days and feeling so alone.
3. It has taken from my ability to feel happiness for others. Frustratingly, I still have a hard time being as happy as I would like to be for friends who are now pregnant after only going through infertility for 2 or 3 years. I will always be very bitter about the fact that most people really can't imagine what it feels like to struggle with infertility for SIX YEARS (that is 72 MONTHS of despair). My misery was only just beginning to settle in after 2 years. That is when the first of four miscarriages and at least 9 fertility treatments STARTED. Their ending after 2 or 3 years was just the beginning for me. This is not to say that they did not struggle, I just feel that they may not have reached the same depth of despair. I realize that this feeling seems unfair, but it is just how I feel and I can't help that. Logically, I know that infertility experienced on any level is a life crisis and if I were to go back to how I was feeling after only two years, I would have told you that it was the worst experience of my life. I just didn't realize at the time how bad it could get. It is only in hindsight that I can say that two years really isn't so bad in the grand scheme. There are certainly people who have suffered more than I have who would say that 6 years is nothing, try 10 years etc. I don't want to minimize anyone's struggle with infertility no matter how long he or she has struggled. We are all together in this. I just can't help but feel bitter that I struggled for sooo long. It is more about me than about anyone else. This is still something that I am trying to work through... I HATE still feeling bitter. I hope I have not offended anyone with this part of the post, the purpose of my blog is to be brutally honest with my feelings, no matter how horrible they may seem. I have a hunch there are other people who feel the same.
4. It has taken away my hope for a second child and replaced it with the fear of ever having to experience loss again. I am terrified to go through that ever again. I make it a point to appreciate what I have for I am fortunate, but I still have a hole in my heart for the 4 siblings my son has that he will never meet and a fear that I am still "broken" and will never get to experience pregnancy again. As stressful as it was, I loved being pregnant and the time my son and I shared together back when I did not have to share him with anyone else in the world. (For those reading this who have not yet gotten pregnant, I am sure the thought, "Are you kidding me? At least you got to BE pregnant. I may never experience that!" is crossing your mind. I completely understand. I know I would have had the same thought a few years back. It is okay and perfectly normal.).
So, those are some of the big things that infertility has taken from me. I try to appreciate the perspective it has given me on life. Oddly, I would not trade my experience (and I said this long before I had my son) because it has made me who I am today and it is a part of me. I just don't know if people realize that infertility isn't something that ends when you have a child. It truly is the gift that keeps on taking...
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