Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Smack.

Right in the face. There was infertility again. Just when I think I may have "moved on" (not actually possible), I find myself blindsided by those emotions. So today, I had to do one of those video goodbye messages for my boss, who is retiring. I knew that I wanted her to know how much her support meant to me during my struggle (all out war) with infertility, so I brought a picture of my son (who just turned FOUR!) and my daughter (who will be THREE! in 2 months) to include in my message. In the video I told her that she was one of the best directors I have ever had and that I had been warned in graduate school by a previous supervisor that nobody in the real world would be accommodating during times of need like they are in graduate school. I told her that she proved that supervisor wrong and that without her support by giving me time off for my fertility treatments and surgeries I would not have my beautiful children (I held up the pictures). And SMACK. There were the tears (on video. Omg.). I was completely blindsided. I didn't even feel them coming. I am mortified, but also know she will appreciate this message. She surely thinks I am crazy. The last time I was in her office requesting time off I was attempting to explain infertility and being all jacked up on hormones I proceeded to mention that it was very upsetting because I couldn't do what most rabbits can do so easily. Not.professional.at.all. I was truly an emotional basket case all of those years and I would love to go back and apologize to anyone who met me at any point during those 7 years. I was not myself, but I was morphing into who I am today. Someone who is no longer the same person, but someone who also carries some seriously deep scars from the journey.

Today was definitely out of the blue. I used to function on the verge of tears like that at all times, especially after my second miscarriage (and third...and fourth...). I cannot believe that I was even able to hold down a job in that state mind. Wow. My boss was seriously a kind and compassionate person to keep me in my position. I know that many people are not so lucky. I am glad that I was able to formally thank her. I am sad that infertility is permanent regardless of how it is "resolved."


Thursday, February 19, 2015

4 years

Hello... Anyone out there? I should probably start titling these posts "annual update" since that is becoming the trend. I gave the title 4 years because, O.M.G., my son will be turning FOUR 2 weeks from today. FOUR. YEARS. How can that even be possible??? The years go by all too fast. I love watching my children (so unbelievable to even say) grow and learn, but wow, sometimes I just want to freeze time. I am trying to take more videos of them because they are so fun to watch later on. I miss the baby phase so much sometimes. I swear if I was younger I would have one more. I truly don't envision another at this point and am at peace with that primarily because of my very advanced maternal age. I also feel that I want to focus on the two I have. I feel like our little family is perfect right where it is. That is not to say that another child would not be welcomed, it just isn't something I would ever TRY to do. I feel lucky to have been able to have a boy and a girl. Having one of each is the best of both worlds for sure.

Little boy is still quirky, maybe slightly less so, but still quirky. I can't imagine him being anything other than an engineer the way he puts things together. He sees the world in a different way. Nobody wants their child to be different and struggle with friendships and the world at large. It is hard and I don't know how the next several years will play out for him socially but I am doing my best to guide him. He is smart as a whip so hopefully some direct teaching will help him (helps that I am a speech pathologist and we work a lot on social language). He will attend a full day pre k program next year which I think he will enjoy. He is the cuddliest little Momma's boy ever and we share a very special bond. I love him to pieces. Still hard to believe it has been four years since he arrived!!!

Little Miss is now 2 years, 7 months and is adorable. A very pretty girl according to all who meet her. Her eyes are stunning and OMG this girl can flirt! Fun to watch her in action. Embarrassing at times! She is much more laid back than her brother but does like things in order. She is obsessed with shoes (my parents report that she got this from me). She has a sweet tooth and will beg for chocolate (like her mommy). She loves art (didn't get that from mommy) and also loves Star Wars (that is from daddy). She actually chose Star Wars over Hello Kitty when given a choice between shows to watch. She says the funniest stuff and has the cutest, tiniest voice ever!! I need to record her more often. She goes to daycare/preschool three days per week and seems to enjoy it. We wanted to have her around typically developing peers for socialization. She and her brother get along until they don't. They are so close in age it feels like I am raising twins some days. Lots of work especially when the hubby is out of town so much. Little Miss is a bit of a daddy's girl so that can be challenging. She will be turning THREE in just 4 months. Ugh. I am out of babies:(

The hubby is doing well, though he is "man sick" right now. You know how men get a sniffle and it completely devastates them. Meanwhile I am sick but going to work and then doing extra at home so Mr. Man sick can rest. In his defense, his sniffle is worse than usual and there is a cough involved. Overall, married life is settling down a bit as the kids get easier, which is nice. I was worried it wouldn't get better!

I am doing ok. Have gained a crapload of weight (25-30 lbs) since I stopped breastfeeding. I knew it would happen. Now I need to get healthy so I can start semi private training at the gym. I broke my toe in October amd it STILL hurts and now I have a sore throat. My body really suffered with the stress of 7 years of fertility drugs and surgeries followed by 2 csections 16 months apart, not to mention what pregnancy itself does to the body. Follow that with 16 months of exclusive pumping and an extremely limited diet and you have the makings of a fat old unhealthy mom:( Add on the stress of a kid on the autism spectrum and working part time and being a single mom several nights per week and there you have it. Hard to believe I am alive! I am going to reclaim my old body and try to restore my health. As I read all of that back to myself it makes me realize that I need to be kind and patient with myself. I should actually look much worse than I do based on all of that.  

I will get there. Somehow being a mom has made me less hard on my body image. The kids filled a gaping hole in my heart. Now it is all of the small stressors that are adding up.  I need to regain my focus and get healthy for my kids so I can be a good role model.

Maybe I should write more frequently so nobody has to wade through a ridiculously long post like this again!!

I should be off to bed. Getting more sleep is one of my big goals and I am making progress.

Little by little...