Remembering

I have been thinking a lot lately about our journey and while I certainly have tried to block a lot of it out, I don't want to be one of those people that becomes insensitive to others still ttc. I tell almost everyone I meet about our struggle to conceive our little boy. When I say "almost 7 years" it doesn't really begin to cover the emotional trauma experienced in that time. To others it just sounds like a pretty long time. I don't ever really want to forget my struggles because they are a part of who I have become. I am absolutely not the same person I was before infertility.

Anyway, in thinking about our journey I found one of my old journals. It is so heartbreaking to read and the posts are so reminiscent of a rollercoaster. I am so sorry for anyone who is reading this who is still on the journey. It is such a difficult one that nobody seems to be able to appreciate. Be kind to yourself. On many days I know it feels like a life or death struggle. I will never look back and say that struggle wasn't so bad. It WAS that bad and probably even worse. Don't let anyone ever make you think otherwise.

I was reading through my journal and a particular entry struck me. I wanted to find out if anyone going through IVF can relate, so I thought I would post an excerpt from it. Here it is:

"Friday, October 30, 2009
...So, I just stuffed my face with popcorn and I can't eat or drink anything after midnight in preparation for the egg retrieval tomorrow. Here is a sample of obsessive thoughts that come with this step in IVF:

1. Did I already ovulate?
2. Did some of my follicles stop growing?
3. Did all of my follicles stop growing?
4. Are they going to run behind and miss the window of time to retrieve?
5. Are they going to drop them?
6. Is something going to keep them from doing the retrieval?
7. Will we get into an accident on our way to the clinic?
8. Will hubby make it to Vega$ to give a sample?
9. Will we oversleep?
10. Will Dr. Sher get food poisoning?
11. Will HE get into an accident?
12. Will the anaesthesiologist oversleep?
13. Will our condo burn down?
14. Will the power go out all over Las Vegas?
ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC...

It's like this every step of the way. After retrieval, the list starts again for fertilization:

1. Will the sperm be gone?
2. Will someone drop the sample?
3. Will any of them fertilize?
4. Will none of them fertilize?
5. Will something get screwed up?
ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC...

If anything fertilizes, the next list will start...

1. Will it be the right DNA (the one that doesn't match mine)?
2. Will they grow?
3. Will they be fragmented?
4. Will they be good quality?
5. Will they make it to 5 days?
6. Will they become blastocysts?
7. Will they be able to put them back in me?
8. Will there be any to freeze? (right.)
ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC.

You get the idea... This all started prior to stims with:

1. Will I even make a follicle?
2. Will I overstimulate?
3. Will I understimulate?
4. Will the cycle get canceled?

It's no wonder I lost 5lbs. I think the anxiety nearly killed me! I have been fairly relaxed since doing the trigger shot. I realize that at this point, I have no control over any of what will happen (except waking up and getting to the clinic on time). It is so hard to let it go when you have put this much time, effort and $$ into it. It's like signing up to go to college (for 5 years) and paying everything out-of-pocket, working your ass off, all with the understanding that when you get to the end only 30% of your class will get a diploma while 70% will leave with NOTHING and NO MONEY BACK. Who would sign up for THAT??"

Does that about sum up IVF for anyone else? Would love comments on this one (or really ANY one!!)...