another ghost blog

Wow. I have become a ghost blogger again. I just realized I have not posted since 2012 and it is already halfway through 2013!! Not that too many people are probably interested. I am now officially 28 months out of infertility (sort-of), but the scars truly linger. I have realized they will probably never fade and may even be of the keloid type (those super wide ones). I have a friend (same friend I yelled at (see post back in December of 2009) who is pregnant with her second child. First one required 5 IUIs, which sounded like an absolute dream to me. I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy (even though I got pregnant without truly trying the second time around). She is so lucky she didn't have to endure the length of infertility that I did. In the time that it took her to get pregnant and have two, I was just finishing up my first round of miscarriages. The journey had only just begun for me. I am absolutely thrilled for her to have another baby, but I am still shocked by my own reaction. I don't know why I am still shocked by this, but I am. I figured that these pangs of jealousy would be gone after giving birth, but that is not the case. Again, I am beyond lucky to have my two kids, but wow, I can't believe salt still bothers these wounds. Maybe it is because I wish I were younger and had more money- I would no doubt try to have another baby if that were the case. I oddly miss the thrill of peeing on a stick. I have opted for abstinence as of late because I am terrified of having another at my age. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be in the situation of trying to AVOID pregnancy. It is truly surreal. Parenting certainly has its own challenges, but nothing compared to infertility. And, trust me, we have had challenges. My son seems to be possibly on the autism spectrum, very Aspergery in many ways-mostly sensory issues (toe walking, limited eye contact...) and my daughter has a birthmark that covers 40% of her back that will need to be removed this fall in a 4-month stretch of procedures that include skin expansion and multiple trips to Chicago for the actual procedures. On top of that, work and my husband's flying schedule have me in a dither. At then end of the day, however, I look at my children and thank my lucky stars every.single.day. No matter how hard the day was. I read blogs written by people in the trenches and my heart aches for them. I am well aware that not everyone will have the ending I had, in fact, most probably won't. It pains me to see others going through this. I almost feel that I have some form of "survivor's guilt" from this experience. When talking to other mothers, I feel that I have absolutely earned my two children, but when I meet someone in the trenches I feel like I got some sort of lottery ticket. I am constantly amazed by how much infertility has impacted my life. Not much else that has happened in my life compares. I feel guilty when I chime in and "complain" with the other mothers mostly because I could quite potentially be offending someone within earshot. I have a coworker who I feel that I should probably apologize to because I know I have constantly talked about my son at work and she has to sit and listen to it. She actually helps give me advice about his sensory issues. Anyway, she came out of the closet several years ago and is now in a relationship and engaged to be married to a woman. She was actually married previously and struggled with infertility. I am sure that I have made comments that may have hurt her and I always think of it after the fact but have never said anything. I feel so bad. I am sure that just because she is no longer married to her first husband does not mean that her dream of having a child has gone. I am sure that she has plenty of scars from her infertility experience as well. I really need to work on being more sensitive. Thank you for letting me get that off of my chest. Anyway, I am starting to ramble again as always. I really just wanted to post a quick update since I have been silent (busy) for a while. Having two kids 16 months apart is not brilliant by any means, but I will take it if it means keeping them both. If there were a way to plan these things I would have signed up, but, alas, this is not how it worked. I hope that you are all doing well out there and that you are finding happiness no matter what path you end up on. If anyone reads this and it has helped in any way, please leave a comment. I really hope that I have been able to help at least a few people along this never-ending journey. I will update again at some point... P.S. If anyone has experience with a toddler with poor eye contact, please leave a message and I will contact you...