Still waiting to do next hcg. I go back and forth between positive and negative feelings toward what is to come. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Part of that is because my husband is out of town for 3 weeks training for his new job and the other part is just generalized anxiety. At least with the anxiety, my heart rate is no longer perpetually above 300 beats per minute. I still have a strange sense of calm. I guess it is because I know that I have zero control over anything that has happened or is going to happen. Why fight it anymore. I just hate how I feel after a loss and can't bear the thought of going through that again. I think people are just starting to get bored with the whole thing. This is now the 5th time I have been pregnant. I am like the boy who cried wolf. Everyone is already planning to get together for drinks next weekend, knowing that I will most likely be able to drink with them by then. I just find it sad.
I think that if my stupid pregnancy systems were more consistent I could relax a little. You would have thought that my betas would have given me a reason to be hopeful. True, but losing some of my symptoms dashed that hope. I am trying to just block out the world right now. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. For whatever reason, it just puts me in a negative mood. I just want to be alone to enjoy whatever time I have with my baby. I really am grateful for the time that I have been able to spend with him. Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY tough day waiting for the results. I wish my husband could be here with me for that, but maybe it will be better for me to just be alone. I hate to have him see me so upset.
I'm still hoping that the fat-lady will come down with a fatal case of laryngitis.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
The fat-lady is warming up
So much for anything in life being easy. I got my 2nd beta results back and they were at 201. The night before, it was weird because I was still 'feeling' like I was not alone, like there was a baby in there. I had nothing but positive thoughts with just an occasional moment of panic. It was exciting to be able to picture the future. I was never able to do that in a pregnancy before. I knew that something was different and I was so hopeful for once. Silly girl, hopefulness is for losers. I was able to get in to see one of my previous REs because he was the only doc I knew who would go for the whole intralipid idea. He knew Dr. Sher personally and although he doesn't agree with the whole DQ Alpha thing he agreed to do the intralipids. The thing I found really funny is that he joked about it being witchcraft even though he uses bee stings for infertility! I think they are all a little crazy, but in reality probably just ahead of their time. I prefer docs who think outside the box rather than using a "one size fits all" method.
During my 4.5 hour IV drip of pure fat (what woman puts PURE FAT into their veins!??) I anxiously awaited my beta # 3 results. I was feeling hopeful, yet nervous. They came back at 507, which was great. I just still felt nervous and couldn't really shake it. Then, when I got home and did my 10,000th boob check of the day, I realized that mine were possibly a little smaller and not as sore. Then I had cramping and a little light brown spotting the rest of the evening. I was pretty upset by the time I finally went to bed. Even crying. I was still able to "talk" to the baby and feel like it was in there, but then woke up with horrible night sweats. Night sweats tell me that I had a huge hormone shift and in this case I think that my hormone levels unfortunately shifted downward. I still "feel" the baby, but am not nearly as optimistic as I once was. I guess reality had to smack me in the face. God forbid I would enjoy a day or two of pregnancy. Clearly that is an insane sense of entitlement on my part. What on earth would make me think that I could feel happy about this pregnancy?? Why would hopefullness be allowed to slink its way in? Silly, silly girl.
I called the doc and begged for another beta and he didn't want to do it because it wouldn't change any of the drugs I am on. That is fine, but if my hcg is dropping then CLEARLY I would need red wine therapy. Duh. Nobody understands. So here I sit and wait. I am only on my 5,000th boob check today, so I guess I have about 30,000 more until my next beta.
I hope the fat-lady loses her voice.
During my 4.5 hour IV drip of pure fat (what woman puts PURE FAT into their veins!??) I anxiously awaited my beta # 3 results. I was feeling hopeful, yet nervous. They came back at 507, which was great. I just still felt nervous and couldn't really shake it. Then, when I got home and did my 10,000th boob check of the day, I realized that mine were possibly a little smaller and not as sore. Then I had cramping and a little light brown spotting the rest of the evening. I was pretty upset by the time I finally went to bed. Even crying. I was still able to "talk" to the baby and feel like it was in there, but then woke up with horrible night sweats. Night sweats tell me that I had a huge hormone shift and in this case I think that my hormone levels unfortunately shifted downward. I still "feel" the baby, but am not nearly as optimistic as I once was. I guess reality had to smack me in the face. God forbid I would enjoy a day or two of pregnancy. Clearly that is an insane sense of entitlement on my part. What on earth would make me think that I could feel happy about this pregnancy?? Why would hopefullness be allowed to slink its way in? Silly, silly girl.
I called the doc and begged for another beta and he didn't want to do it because it wouldn't change any of the drugs I am on. That is fine, but if my hcg is dropping then CLEARLY I would need red wine therapy. Duh. Nobody understands. So here I sit and wait. I am only on my 5,000th boob check today, so I guess I have about 30,000 more until my next beta.
I hope the fat-lady loses her voice.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tripped up...
I haven't posted in a while so there is some catching up to do. If you read my last post, I was doing well but knew that there was almost a guarantee that my "recovery" would be tripped up. Boy, that was an understatement.
I finally finished miscarrying in February- apparently there was still some tissue that had to be passed before my hormone levels finally went back down. The next couple of months were busy. I was feeling really great and had many things to look forward to! My old roommate from college came to visit for spring break and ended up moving to Arizona shortly after that, which was perfect timing. She is not of the "must have children" mentality, which is exactly what I needed! In April, I went to LA to watch my husband run in a 200-mile relay race. I was so proud of him! I remember watching his team run through Beverly Hills at midnight looking tired and I swore to myself I would NEVER do that. Soooo, when my birthday rolled around in May and I had one too many glasses of wine my friends suckered me into doing the next 200-mile relay in Las Vegas in October. Ouch. I am sooo not a runner, so we'll see how that goes. Something to look forward to in a way...
The best thing we had to look forward to was a 12-night Baltic cruise in June. We were nervous that we wouldn't make it to London for the cruise because of the volcano erupting in Iceland diverting planes...and then the flight attendant strike on British Airways (which fortunately ended the day before we left!!). On top of all of that, here is the kicker:
I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNANT THE WEEK BEFORE WE LEFT.
I know, WTF?!? I had "that feeling" and took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest positive I had seen in all of my pregnancies. I went straight to the doctor for a blood draw. Needless to say, my doc was a bit surprised to see me. Because it was a weekend, I couldn't have my blood drawn again until Monday. So, all weekend was spent peeing on sticks. They were all super-faint so we at least knew what would happen next. The waiting part sucked. My hcg came back at 10, so that was very bad. I started spotting the next day and bleeding the day after that at 4w5d. It was so shocking and it all happened so fast that I never really had a chance to process it before we left for Europe. Once we got to Europe, we were so busy and having so much fun that I was able to just forget about it. I pretty much stuck with the gluten-free, dairy-free diet that I started in March on the cruise, but I guess you could call it more of a "wine" diet of sorts. We didn't have to drive anywhere and we had these cute little cards that felt like "pretend" credit cards and you just handed them to the waiter any time you wanted a drink. It was waaaaay too easy.
The cruise was absolutely amazing!! We were so lucky to be able to go and we appreciated EVERY second of it. Going to Russia was amazing. We loved every port of call and met so many nice people along the way. It was so depressing to come home to face reality and the miscarriage, along with a good friend that got pregnant a week before me and is still pregnant. I was so tired on top of it all.
Now, here is the next kicker: A FEW DAYS AGO (A WEEK AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM EUROPE), FOUND OUT THAT I AM PREGNANT AGAIN. NO JOKE.
Now, before anyone thinks, "See? All you needed to do was relax and go on vacation!" I must strongly disagree with that thought. Do you know how many vacations we have taken in the past 6 years?? More than I can count on two hands. I can guarantee that was not it. I am thinking it may have been my change in diet, which in turn normalized my thyroid function that would be a more likely explanation.
Considering that it took me almost 3 years to get pregnant with my first one (only to miscarry), it is nearly impossible for me to believe that I have been pregnant 3 times in the past 6 months. I am suddenly sort-of-fertile-Myrtle. I say "sort-of" only because I once again came up with a low first beta of a whopping 24. I figured that was at about 12 dpo or so, maybe 11. Either way, not a number to get very excited about. That said, I am trying to appreciate every second of this pregnancy always knowing that it could be my last.
It is so sad that now when I tell my close friends that I am pregnant, they say, "I'm so sorry," rather than "Yeah! Congratulations!!!" I don't mind that they say that- I think that my closest friends just know better than to say "congrats" at this point. I guess that is what is sad about it. I have been thoroughly robbed of the excitement that is supposed to go along with seeing those 2 pink lines. The only silver lining at this point is that I know exactly what to expect when I see that faint 2nd line.
So, how is that for an update?!
I finally finished miscarrying in February- apparently there was still some tissue that had to be passed before my hormone levels finally went back down. The next couple of months were busy. I was feeling really great and had many things to look forward to! My old roommate from college came to visit for spring break and ended up moving to Arizona shortly after that, which was perfect timing. She is not of the "must have children" mentality, which is exactly what I needed! In April, I went to LA to watch my husband run in a 200-mile relay race. I was so proud of him! I remember watching his team run through Beverly Hills at midnight looking tired and I swore to myself I would NEVER do that. Soooo, when my birthday rolled around in May and I had one too many glasses of wine my friends suckered me into doing the next 200-mile relay in Las Vegas in October. Ouch. I am sooo not a runner, so we'll see how that goes. Something to look forward to in a way...
The best thing we had to look forward to was a 12-night Baltic cruise in June. We were nervous that we wouldn't make it to London for the cruise because of the volcano erupting in Iceland diverting planes...and then the flight attendant strike on British Airways (which fortunately ended the day before we left!!). On top of all of that, here is the kicker:
I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNANT THE WEEK BEFORE WE LEFT.
I know, WTF?!? I had "that feeling" and took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest positive I had seen in all of my pregnancies. I went straight to the doctor for a blood draw. Needless to say, my doc was a bit surprised to see me. Because it was a weekend, I couldn't have my blood drawn again until Monday. So, all weekend was spent peeing on sticks. They were all super-faint so we at least knew what would happen next. The waiting part sucked. My hcg came back at 10, so that was very bad. I started spotting the next day and bleeding the day after that at 4w5d. It was so shocking and it all happened so fast that I never really had a chance to process it before we left for Europe. Once we got to Europe, we were so busy and having so much fun that I was able to just forget about it. I pretty much stuck with the gluten-free, dairy-free diet that I started in March on the cruise, but I guess you could call it more of a "wine" diet of sorts. We didn't have to drive anywhere and we had these cute little cards that felt like "pretend" credit cards and you just handed them to the waiter any time you wanted a drink. It was waaaaay too easy.
The cruise was absolutely amazing!! We were so lucky to be able to go and we appreciated EVERY second of it. Going to Russia was amazing. We loved every port of call and met so many nice people along the way. It was so depressing to come home to face reality and the miscarriage, along with a good friend that got pregnant a week before me and is still pregnant. I was so tired on top of it all.
Now, here is the next kicker: A FEW DAYS AGO (A WEEK AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM EUROPE), FOUND OUT THAT I AM PREGNANT AGAIN. NO JOKE.
Now, before anyone thinks, "See? All you needed to do was relax and go on vacation!" I must strongly disagree with that thought. Do you know how many vacations we have taken in the past 6 years?? More than I can count on two hands. I can guarantee that was not it. I am thinking it may have been my change in diet, which in turn normalized my thyroid function that would be a more likely explanation.
Considering that it took me almost 3 years to get pregnant with my first one (only to miscarry), it is nearly impossible for me to believe that I have been pregnant 3 times in the past 6 months. I am suddenly sort-of-fertile-Myrtle. I say "sort-of" only because I once again came up with a low first beta of a whopping 24. I figured that was at about 12 dpo or so, maybe 11. Either way, not a number to get very excited about. That said, I am trying to appreciate every second of this pregnancy always knowing that it could be my last.
It is so sad that now when I tell my close friends that I am pregnant, they say, "I'm so sorry," rather than "Yeah! Congratulations!!!" I don't mind that they say that- I think that my closest friends just know better than to say "congrats" at this point. I guess that is what is sad about it. I have been thoroughly robbed of the excitement that is supposed to go along with seeing those 2 pink lines. The only silver lining at this point is that I know exactly what to expect when I see that faint 2nd line.
So, how is that for an update?!
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