WTF?!?

The universe hates me. What the hell did I do so horribly wrong and when did I do it?? This is the cruelest joke of all. I still can't even believe it. I am still in shock. Ok, ok, I am getting to the point. Let me start this lengthy story by saying that we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Sher on Monday and I was stunned to find out that he still was not recommending egg donor and that he thought I still had a decent chance with my own eggs. (Now, in the month since the failed IVF, I have come to accept that I would not have a biological child of my own and that my parents would never be able to pass down their wonderful traits and be grandparents. I have been in the process of accepting this since my second miscarriage in Aug/Sept of 2006.) I was almost speechless. My hubby actually WAS speechless. He didn't say a word. Dr. Sher ended by saying that I would never get pregnant without intervention. Duh.

In that instant, I was thrust back onto the rollercoaster that I had spent almost 6 years trying to get off. Most people would be excited to hear that they still had hope, but I am exhausted and just want to crawl in a hole and die. After our 2nd failed IVF last month, I was so relieved to not have to take my temperature, be sure I ate right, avoid candles that weren't made of soy and to know that I would NEVER have to go through another egg retrieval as long as I lived. I had enjoyed that right up until about the last week or two when suddenly my post-cycle psychotic moodiness stepped in. It was basically PMS without the sore boobs. Now, not having sore boobs confirmed (in my mind) that ovulation had not occurred. We'll get to that in a minute...

So, after the consult with Dr. Sher, my dear friend called to invite us out for Monday night football with a small group of people. I had planned on opening a bottle of wine and laying low at home, but I figured that they had wine at the restaurant so what the heck. And this way, I could catch up with my friend. Well, catch up I did. After my 3rd glass of wine, I was spouting off about infertility and how nobody understands. I know that she is a very empathetic person, but since she started ttc a few months ago, I have heard quite a bit about basal body temps, opks, the latest vitamins, minerals and/or herbs. All of the things I have already done and don't want to go back and do again. Apparently, this was too much for me to handle and I just sort-of snapped. I don't remember everything I said, but I do remember saying, "You have to accept that you may NEVER get pregnant." I said it three times at least. I was not being very sweet about it either and I know that I upset her. She hasn't seen that angry side before and I have to say I even shocked myself. I haven't been such a bitch since, well, since the last time I was pregnant and I told our secretary at work that she was a bitch!!! I tried to take that back in mid-air, but couldn't. Now, of course, after almost a bottle of wine and some seared ahi tuna, I didn't stop for a second to think that I could be pregnant. That second didn't come until last night when, for whatever reason (certainly not because I had any symptoms), I decided to do a pregnancy test. I only had one test left and I had been saving it for years because I was planning on having it be my "true" positive. I was superstitiously waiting until I KNEW that I was pregnant and could take it just to know for sure that I would see those two lines. Well, I decided to look at the expiration date and it said Feb 2010. Since I knew I would not be doing IVF any time soon, I figured I should just go ahead and use it.

HOLY CRAP! A second pink line appeared within 10 seconds. It was faint but solid and unmistakable. OMG. This can't be happening. I am going to have another miscarriage. Sadly, that was my only thought after WTF. I think of all of the people who get so excited to see those two lines. Neither my husband nor I cracked so much as a smile. It was more like, "Here we go again...we know how these end..." Clearly, this test was too close to its expiration date, so at 11pm on a Wednesday night, I drive to the grocery store. I was the only one there. I quickly grabbed a couple of tests that were on sale and ran to the checkout. I managed to get another positive when I got home and then again when I woke up (after only 3 hours of sleep). I ended upgetting to work and realizing that I forgot my heparin and prednisone. These items were part of my ivf protocol, so I figured I would use the leftovers. I called Dr. Sher's office and even though I am not technically "theirs" now that I had a "natural pregnancy" they were extremely helpful. I made an appointment with my local ob/gyn to get a blood test to confirm pregnancy and then consulted with him regarding the intralipid infusion, heparin, prednisone, progesterone etc. I heard the nurses talking outside the door saying, "what will they think of next?" These treatments are all so "weird." Insensitive fertile bitches. The other nurse had also made a comment about me "only" having two miscarriages. I told her that the two miscarriages were plenty in my book. I think she felt bad then, well at least I HOPE she did. What is wrong with people???

When the nurse called with my beta results from my local clinic, she nonchalantly said, "Yeah, your beta is only 39, so do you still even want to bother doing the intralipid infusion?" So I responded, "So are you saying that I am having a miscarriage?" and she wasn't quite sure how to answer that. We all know that low numbers are never good, so I guess that is my answer.

So now I am laying in bed with some pretty big cramps. Not sure if they mean that it will all be over tomorrow or what. I hate this. I hate that nobody understands what this feels like. This is definitely the sickest joke that has ever been played on me. Who would do this?? Why can't I just have the beautiful beta numbers and the blissful pregnancy that most people get to have? Life is unfair. I get that already. For god's sake, next lesson please...