Today is what I fear will be the last day I can say that I am pregnant :( I am so lucky to have made it this far, but I just don't see it going any farther. My hcg levels have never made it past the 200s. The odds are absolutely not in our favor, unfortunately. If we didn't have the DQ Alpha 4.1 match, I would say there was a chance, but that is just not the case. The anxiety of the past few days compares with that of the anxiety of finding out whether you had any eggs fertilize during an IVF cycle and then waiting to see if they grow. I have lost 4lbs since finding out I was pregnant. It is not morning sickness, though. I think it is generalized anxiety. Nothing really sounds good to me. I can't even think of a restaurant to eat at and I am not even craving chocolate. It is actually quite sad. I have to just accept the fact that I am not a normal pregnant person and get on with it.
My cramping has died down a bit and my boobs are still small and only sore on the sides. (Completely different from my first 2 pregnancies that both ended in m/c- i had way more symptoms with those!). This all leads me to believe that the whole thing is over. Torturing me with the idea that I could possibly have my own child seems just cruel. Why did my betas have to triple like that? I mean, I guess it will be better to get the news tomorrow rather than getting to the 9-week ultrasound and getting sad news. All I have ever dreamed of is at least being able to document one of my pregnancies on ultrasound, maybe to make it seem more real since my other 2 losses were so early. I almost wish I didn't have to do the beta tomorrow and I could just wait to do the ultrasound. If I started bleeding before then, I would know, but I wouldn't have to get that dreaded phone call saying, "I'm sorry, your numbers didn't double as they should have. You should start bleeding soon. I am sure you will have better luck next time." Better luck next time??? What next time??? This pregnancy took a total of 5.5 years and over $50,000 to achieve and it wasn't technically even supposed to happen! What next time?????? I know, now I have myself all worked up into a tizzy. I just need to start to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am sure that anyone who has suffered a loss, especially those who spent years trying to even get a bfp, can understand my need for self-preservation. I find that it is better to expect the worst and go from there. Positive thinking doesn't work for me. Believe me, I tried it with that last IVF and all it did was allow me to crash further than I ever had. It was a LONG way down. I always keep a tiny place in my heart for hope, but that place is getting harder to find...
Showing posts with label still pregnant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label still pregnant. Show all posts
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve Day
I didn't post yesterday, but still wanted to wish everyone a Happy Festivus (yeah, that holiday for the rest of us!). Now, on to Christmas. Usually I just go with Merry Christmahanukwanzaakah, so as not to offend anyone. I don't really celebrate according to any religion, but usually just enjoy the excitement of the holiday season and getting to catch up with friends and family. This year, we had planned not to celebrate at all as it has been one of our more difficult years. We didn't even send holiday cards or put up a tree (though that was partly due to the arrival of little Gus, the kitten.). The last five years have really not been stellar, but we at least managed to put up a tree and get the holiday cards out. After DH lost his job last year and I had my myomectomy and then the failed IVF, things got tougher. We had always at least had travel to fall back on and now we don't even have that :( The ups and downs of this year have been particularly up and down. Getting jobs and losing jobs was really hard. DH was hired by two different airlines and was then laid off due to the economy. So, basically he has been laid off from 3 different airlines in a year and a half. That must be a record. He finally has a decent job, but not in the airline industry. He has handled it very well, much better than I ever could. I know that he just wants to fly and it makes me sad that he can't do that. Fortunately I still have my job, but of course I got a pretty big pay cut, so that was both an up and a down.
The time leading up to our 2nd IVF was more of an up, with all of that hope. Then, the failing of the IVF was a major down, with no hope left. I was coming to terms with my reality and working hard to try to accept it and just 'be.' Now, this pregnancy has been sort-of an up and a down. I say that only because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The pregnancy itself is beyond miraculous. The keeping of the pregnancy is now the hard part. I am trying so hard to enjoy it in some way each day. I am grateful for each second of it, but I am beyond terrified. I worry about not having many symptoms, though I do find that my nose is working overtime. I swear everything I smell is 10x stronger than it normally is. Going to the grocery store is now a very interesting experience. There are so many different smells in a grocery store. I never noticed it until now.
This morning I got up at 6am with the help of Gus' back claw ripping through my nose as he jumped on the bed to beg for breakfast. I don't know if it is the heparin or not, but my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Now I have an ugly scab. Anyway, I got up and headed to the lab for yet another blood draw. I got there 25 minutes before they opened because there usually is a line of 20+ people by then waiting for them to open. I was actually the first one there and the ONLY one until just before they opened. I was out of the lab by 7:11am, a new record. I had planned to be there until at least 10am. I even had time to stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick up something to bring to our friend's house tonight. Because we live in AZ, we typically don't go home to WI for the holidays (or any time during the winter for that matter). Most people who live in AZ are not actually FROM here, so there are always other people that can't get back to where they are from to hang out with during the holidays. Of course we would love to see our family, but that is why we gave everyone web cams for Christmas :) Now we can put the camera on the nice green grass and blue sky so that they consider coming to AZ next Christmas.
So, now I am off to go and try to enjoy every second of today and see what happens. Oh, I almost forgot- I emailed Dr. Sher yesterday and he recommended that I do the intralipids every 2 weeks until 20 weeks+. That is a LOT of intralipids (read: fat). Fortunately they are only $400 each vs. the $4000 each for IVIg. I still can't even imagine making it past 5 weeks, so 20 is not on my radar...
The time leading up to our 2nd IVF was more of an up, with all of that hope. Then, the failing of the IVF was a major down, with no hope left. I was coming to terms with my reality and working hard to try to accept it and just 'be.' Now, this pregnancy has been sort-of an up and a down. I say that only because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The pregnancy itself is beyond miraculous. The keeping of the pregnancy is now the hard part. I am trying so hard to enjoy it in some way each day. I am grateful for each second of it, but I am beyond terrified. I worry about not having many symptoms, though I do find that my nose is working overtime. I swear everything I smell is 10x stronger than it normally is. Going to the grocery store is now a very interesting experience. There are so many different smells in a grocery store. I never noticed it until now.
This morning I got up at 6am with the help of Gus' back claw ripping through my nose as he jumped on the bed to beg for breakfast. I don't know if it is the heparin or not, but my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Now I have an ugly scab. Anyway, I got up and headed to the lab for yet another blood draw. I got there 25 minutes before they opened because there usually is a line of 20+ people by then waiting for them to open. I was actually the first one there and the ONLY one until just before they opened. I was out of the lab by 7:11am, a new record. I had planned to be there until at least 10am. I even had time to stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick up something to bring to our friend's house tonight. Because we live in AZ, we typically don't go home to WI for the holidays (or any time during the winter for that matter). Most people who live in AZ are not actually FROM here, so there are always other people that can't get back to where they are from to hang out with during the holidays. Of course we would love to see our family, but that is why we gave everyone web cams for Christmas :) Now we can put the camera on the nice green grass and blue sky so that they consider coming to AZ next Christmas.
So, now I am off to go and try to enjoy every second of today and see what happens. Oh, I almost forgot- I emailed Dr. Sher yesterday and he recommended that I do the intralipids every 2 weeks until 20 weeks+. That is a LOT of intralipids (read: fat). Fortunately they are only $400 each vs. the $4000 each for IVIg. I still can't even imagine making it past 5 weeks, so 20 is not on my radar...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Hmm. Betas tripled.
I am not even sure what to think now. The nurse called me this morning to give me the results of yesterday's bloodwork. My hcg went up to 289. That means it tripled in 48 hours. Normally that would be a good sign, but with my progesterone at 17.1 as of the 19th, I am still concerned. The nurse wants to do another blood test next Monday. To me, that sounds like 2012. Are you kidding? That is FIVE days from now. That is an eternity in the world of an infertile. This truly is all a very sick joke.
Speaking of sick jokes, I went in yesterday to do my intralipid treatment and the room I got to do it in is the room where only pregnant people are allowed to be (thank god my hcg levels actually qualified me for that!). It is the relaxing spa-like room where they hook people up to the fetal heart monitor and ultrasound machine to check on their babies.
The lady who was laying there when I first walked in was carrying twins and she was at 29 weeks and having contractions. The heartbeats were soooo loud. I wanted to ask them to turn the volume down, but I didn't want to wear out my welcome. I was just lucky that they were willing to do this intralipid treatment since it is so controversial, so I kept my mouth shut. At first it was very upsetting to hear the one thing that I may never get to hear for myself. I haven't even made it to an ultrasound. Well, I take that back. I did once, but there was absolutely NOTHING in my uterus. That started the whole concern for an ectopic. Blah, blah, blah. So, anyway, the heartbeats ended up being more fascinating than anything. The first lady got up to leave and I couldn't believe how skinny she was. No wonder she was having contractions!
The second girl walked in (I say girl because she could not have been more than 17 years old). She was wearing a tank top with skulls and cross bones all over it and her bra straps peeking out and initially, my thought was, "OMG, how come SHE gets to stay pregnant and I never do!?". Never judge a book by its cover. The poor girl was giving her baby up for adoption. No matter how much you don't want that baby, it still must be so hard to give it up in the end. I wanted to tell her how happy she is going to make some family and how truly selfless the act of giving up her baby is, but I didn't want to be poke my nose where it didn't belong. Maybe she would have been offended. Either way, I admire her courage.
The third girl must have been an infertility patient at some point. She seemed like the type who could't believe that she had made it this far and was still thinking that she might not make it all the way. She only had 7 weeks to go, but was completely freaked. Fortunately, the baby was fine, but this gave me a glimpse into the future if I were ever to make it that far myself. I'm freaking out more than you can imagine already and I am only a few days into this business. Not sure if I have what it takes to make it all the way. Too many things out of my control. I feel like I have already learned the lesson that I have absolutely no control over anything, but maybe I really haven't. Maybe I will never learn that.
So after sitting with an IV dripping pure FAT into my body for 2.5 hours, it was time to go. Can't wait to see what that looks on my "thass" (my word for 'thighs' and 'ass' since mine seem to be one in the same- I inherited that from my mom's side which is why I hadn't been all that against using a donor egg from the get-go). Of course, I came home and decided that this would be the perfect night to try a new restaurant up the street called, "Indulge Burgers and More." I'm sure there was no fat at all in that burger and fries. Yesterday must have been close to a 10,000 calorie day :( YIKES. And if I make it past an ultrasound, I will have to do this intralipid thing once a month for the next 5 months. Bring it on!
Speaking of sick jokes, I went in yesterday to do my intralipid treatment and the room I got to do it in is the room where only pregnant people are allowed to be (thank god my hcg levels actually qualified me for that!). It is the relaxing spa-like room where they hook people up to the fetal heart monitor and ultrasound machine to check on their babies.
The lady who was laying there when I first walked in was carrying twins and she was at 29 weeks and having contractions. The heartbeats were soooo loud. I wanted to ask them to turn the volume down, but I didn't want to wear out my welcome. I was just lucky that they were willing to do this intralipid treatment since it is so controversial, so I kept my mouth shut. At first it was very upsetting to hear the one thing that I may never get to hear for myself. I haven't even made it to an ultrasound. Well, I take that back. I did once, but there was absolutely NOTHING in my uterus. That started the whole concern for an ectopic. Blah, blah, blah. So, anyway, the heartbeats ended up being more fascinating than anything. The first lady got up to leave and I couldn't believe how skinny she was. No wonder she was having contractions!
The second girl walked in (I say girl because she could not have been more than 17 years old). She was wearing a tank top with skulls and cross bones all over it and her bra straps peeking out and initially, my thought was, "OMG, how come SHE gets to stay pregnant and I never do!?". Never judge a book by its cover. The poor girl was giving her baby up for adoption. No matter how much you don't want that baby, it still must be so hard to give it up in the end. I wanted to tell her how happy she is going to make some family and how truly selfless the act of giving up her baby is, but I didn't want to be poke my nose where it didn't belong. Maybe she would have been offended. Either way, I admire her courage.
The third girl must have been an infertility patient at some point. She seemed like the type who could't believe that she had made it this far and was still thinking that she might not make it all the way. She only had 7 weeks to go, but was completely freaked. Fortunately, the baby was fine, but this gave me a glimpse into the future if I were ever to make it that far myself. I'm freaking out more than you can imagine already and I am only a few days into this business. Not sure if I have what it takes to make it all the way. Too many things out of my control. I feel like I have already learned the lesson that I have absolutely no control over anything, but maybe I really haven't. Maybe I will never learn that.
So after sitting with an IV dripping pure FAT into my body for 2.5 hours, it was time to go. Can't wait to see what that looks on my "thass" (my word for 'thighs' and 'ass' since mine seem to be one in the same- I inherited that from my mom's side which is why I hadn't been all that against using a donor egg from the get-go). Of course, I came home and decided that this would be the perfect night to try a new restaurant up the street called, "Indulge Burgers and More." I'm sure there was no fat at all in that burger and fries. Yesterday must have been close to a 10,000 calorie day :( YIKES. And if I make it past an ultrasound, I will have to do this intralipid thing once a month for the next 5 months. Bring it on!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Hmm. Beta doubled.
Wow. That was a shocking call I just had from the "nurse turned nice." Funny how much nicer people are to you when you are pregnant. The last 2 times I was pregnant (miscarried both), I remember how it was such a different world right off the bat. First of all, all of the associated tests were FREE! Insurance actually covered something finally! Secondly, everyone was smiling and talking to me in a far more nurturing voice. It was surreal. The irony is that it is those of us who struggle with infertility that need 1.) INSURANCE COVERAGE and 2.) to have someone speak to us with a nurturing voice. The land of infertility is a far colder world than that of an expectant mother.
So, back to that shocking call. My numbers went up to something in the 90's. I thought the nurse said 98, but maybe she said 92 and I had really wanted to hear 98. I know, I know, what kind of person does not remember their 2nd beta 5 minutes after hearing it?? I think I was just in shock that it doubled, well, even ever-so-slightly more than doubled. I have had a beta double in the past and then drop so I have been down this road. I just hope that the scenery is different this time. I want to allow myself to feel one shred of excitement because this could very well be the last day that I am ever pregnant again, but it is hard to even go there. I would love to be like most people who see two pink lines and never even have a beta done. They just get to bippity bop in for their ultrasound at 8 weeks and see the beautiful flicker of a beating heart. They have already bought baby clothes and picked a name and probably even painted the nursery by that time. In the land of the infertiles, there is often not even excitement after seeing two pink lines. For those who have suffered multiple miscarriages, this type of behavior is considered unacceptable. I don't think I would buy one item for a baby until it was safely in my arms. Only then could I even ponder painting a nursery or buying baby clothes. At this point, I am just going to attempt to cherish whatever time I have left with the little one who is hopefully continuing to share my personal space. On a sidenote, it was kind-of funny how protective I felt of the little bug while we were watching the new 3D Avatar movie on Saturday night. Some of those scenes were very loud and scary! There must be something crazy with that whole maternal instinct thing because I actually felt it and I think my bug couldn't be much more than a blob of cells right now. Either way, I am going to try really hard to just enjoy the fact that according to my last beta there may be something going on.
I will be going in at 1:15 today to have the nurse at my ob/gyn's office do an infusion of intralipids. This is supposed to calm my immune system to allow for an embryo to implant. I am going to call Dr. Sher's office to see if they would still advise this as my betas are still very low for early pregnancy. I have notoriously poor egg quality and doing all of the intralipid treatment in the world will not fix that. So, we'll see... (I hate to use "we'll see" because that is what my parents always said when they really meant, "No."). Maybe I should say, still a tiny bit hopeful...
So, back to that shocking call. My numbers went up to something in the 90's. I thought the nurse said 98, but maybe she said 92 and I had really wanted to hear 98. I know, I know, what kind of person does not remember their 2nd beta 5 minutes after hearing it?? I think I was just in shock that it doubled, well, even ever-so-slightly more than doubled. I have had a beta double in the past and then drop so I have been down this road. I just hope that the scenery is different this time. I want to allow myself to feel one shred of excitement because this could very well be the last day that I am ever pregnant again, but it is hard to even go there. I would love to be like most people who see two pink lines and never even have a beta done. They just get to bippity bop in for their ultrasound at 8 weeks and see the beautiful flicker of a beating heart. They have already bought baby clothes and picked a name and probably even painted the nursery by that time. In the land of the infertiles, there is often not even excitement after seeing two pink lines. For those who have suffered multiple miscarriages, this type of behavior is considered unacceptable. I don't think I would buy one item for a baby until it was safely in my arms. Only then could I even ponder painting a nursery or buying baby clothes. At this point, I am just going to attempt to cherish whatever time I have left with the little one who is hopefully continuing to share my personal space. On a sidenote, it was kind-of funny how protective I felt of the little bug while we were watching the new 3D Avatar movie on Saturday night. Some of those scenes were very loud and scary! There must be something crazy with that whole maternal instinct thing because I actually felt it and I think my bug couldn't be much more than a blob of cells right now. Either way, I am going to try really hard to just enjoy the fact that according to my last beta there may be something going on.
I will be going in at 1:15 today to have the nurse at my ob/gyn's office do an infusion of intralipids. This is supposed to calm my immune system to allow for an embryo to implant. I am going to call Dr. Sher's office to see if they would still advise this as my betas are still very low for early pregnancy. I have notoriously poor egg quality and doing all of the intralipid treatment in the world will not fix that. So, we'll see... (I hate to use "we'll see" because that is what my parents always said when they really meant, "No."). Maybe I should say, still a tiny bit hopeful...
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