Hmm. Beta doubled.

Wow. That was a shocking call I just had from the "nurse turned nice." Funny how much nicer people are to you when you are pregnant. The last 2 times I was pregnant (miscarried both), I remember how it was such a different world right off the bat. First of all, all of the associated tests were FREE! Insurance actually covered something finally! Secondly, everyone was smiling and talking to me in a far more nurturing voice. It was surreal. The irony is that it is those of us who struggle with infertility that need 1.) INSURANCE COVERAGE and 2.) to have someone speak to us with a nurturing voice. The land of infertility is a far colder world than that of an expectant mother.

So, back to that shocking call. My numbers went up to something in the 90's. I thought the nurse said 98, but maybe she said 92 and I had really wanted to hear 98. I know, I know, what kind of person does not remember their 2nd beta 5 minutes after hearing it?? I think I was just in shock that it doubled, well, even ever-so-slightly more than doubled. I have had a beta double in the past and then drop so I have been down this road. I just hope that the scenery is different this time. I want to allow myself to feel one shred of excitement because this could very well be the last day that I am ever pregnant again, but it is hard to even go there. I would love to be like most people who see two pink lines and never even have a beta done. They just get to bippity bop in for their ultrasound at 8 weeks and see the beautiful flicker of a beating heart. They have already bought baby clothes and picked a name and probably even painted the nursery by that time. In the land of the infertiles, there is often not even excitement after seeing two pink lines. For those who have suffered multiple miscarriages, this type of behavior is considered unacceptable. I don't think I would buy one item for a baby until it was safely in my arms. Only then could I even ponder painting a nursery or buying baby clothes. At this point, I am just going to attempt to cherish whatever time I have left with the little one who is hopefully continuing to share my personal space. On a sidenote, it was kind-of funny how protective I felt of the little bug while we were watching the new 3D Avatar movie on Saturday night. Some of those scenes were very loud and scary! There must be something crazy with that whole maternal instinct thing because I actually felt it and I think my bug couldn't be much more than a blob of cells right now. Either way, I am going to try really hard to just enjoy the fact that according to my last beta there may be something going on.

I will be going in at 1:15 today to have the nurse at my ob/gyn's office do an infusion of intralipids. This is supposed to calm my immune system to allow for an embryo to implant. I am going to call Dr. Sher's office to see if they would still advise this as my betas are still very low for early pregnancy. I have notoriously poor egg quality and doing all of the intralipid treatment in the world will not fix that. So, we'll see... (I hate to use "we'll see" because that is what my parents always said when they really meant, "No."). Maybe I should say, still a tiny bit hopeful...