Lost

I have not posted since the 2ww of our last IVF. I have really had nothing to say. I have been hibernating and avoiding just about everyone. I don't feel like talking on the phone or meeting anyone for lunch. I just want to spend time at home with my husband. I have two friends that I would like to support during their upcoming IVF cycles this month, but I just don't have it in me right now. I would like to just go away and figure all of this out and then come back, but that is not an option. I don't even have any idea what I want right now. I have been given a guarantee that I will never get pregnant naturally and I think I have just about accepted that, though I actually had the insane thought that "it can happen naturally after an IVF cycle." I must really be an idiot... Realistically, this is not going to happen but I still have that stupid thought in the back of my head. I want it to go away- I NEED it to go away and just let me be. If I could just move to a place where everyone was childfree it would be perfect. Does that place exist?? If anyone knows where it is, please let me know.

So, our options at this point are to stop everything and live childfree or do egg donor. I know that my doctor does not feel that egg donor will work in our situation because we have a DQ Alpha match of 4.1. Apparently this is the worst and the only thing that will fix it is to do surrogacy along with egg donation. Unfortunately, I wanted to be pregnant (for more than 2 weeks at a time...). Some days, I wonder if I would really enjoy parenthood beyond pregnancy. I hear so many people complain about it and start to wonder if it is all it's cracked up to be. I have a very nice life with my husband and 3 cats (we acquired the 3rd one during the 2ww since I knew I wasn't pregnant and needed something to love). I would probably have a difficult time giving up my freedom. I actually felt a strange sense of relief when I figured out the the IVF didn't work. I am so tired of doing treatments and knowing that I would never have to go through an egg retrieval again was actually exciting! It is nice to have my life back. I started back at the gym and plan to lose the weight I gained during IVF. I gained 5lbs during the 2ww! Maybe I don't need to figure things out right now, maybe I just need a break. I just don't want to prolong the inevitable.

Is it sad that I am actually dreading talking to the doctor for our last consultation? I think the only reason I m doing it is because it is "free." I am considering it part of the $15,000+ I paid to do this IVF and stay out of town for 2 weeks to do it. A "free" consultation is the least they could give me. As we are all well aware of, nothing is free in the world of IVF.

So, my next postings are likely to just be ramblings as I figure out who I am and what I am going to do. It is terrifying to be so lost. I don't want to feel like I always have to prove to people that living childfree is not a bad thing. I just want to live my life. I actually think that there are amazing benefits to living childfree. At this moment, I feel like that is the direction we are headed. Sadly, I know that I may feel hell-bent on using an egg donor a week from now. I really just have to take life one day at a time anymore to survive. I guess I will check in every few days and see where I am leaning. Jesus, I will probably come up with adoption as a solution tomorrow. I really don't think that would happen, but I will never say never anymore. I remember back when I said I would NEVER do IVF and now I have two IVF cycles under my belt.

Tune in to see where my schizophrenic head takes me in my next post...