Still sucks...

Not really anything new to report today. Had pretty bad cramping yesterday, so the bleeding should follow soon I would think. Hard to say as I have never made it this far into a pregnancy before. Usually I start bleeding when my hcg gets to <5. That may take a little extra time in this case since my levels were way higher.

I am on "vacation" from work until Jan. 4th, so I have plenty of time to post now. And plenty of time to google. I am done googling "no yolk sac at 5w3d." I have read everything there is to read. Of course there are the stories of hope, but most of the stories involving any brown spotting include miscarriage. Even though in my mind I KNOW that I am miscarrying, there is that stupid voice that is always there saying, "You never know." But I DO know. Is there anyone who studies psychology out there that can explain this form of torture to me? Is it just so hard for me to accept yet another loss that I continue to carry that little shred of hope like a child who carries around that last shred of their "blankie" after it has been worn thin from constant use? What the hell is wrong with me? Sadly it is probably a good thing that I will never carry a child to term because I honestly don't think I am capable of handling this kind of terror for that long of a period.

So, I did start looking online for some sort of piece of jewelry that I can buy as a memorial for my losses. I am thinking that something with 3 stones, or 3 pieces of some sort. I do feel that it would help me since these types of losses are generally not recognized by society and if they are, they are completely minimized. True that almost 50% will miscarry once in their lifetime, but the reality is that only 1% of us experience 3 or more losses. My first loss was very sad, but it also was the very first sign of hope that I ever had of being able to have a child. Having the second loss occur a month later is when that hope started to fade. It was then that I realized that not only was I having major difficulty GETTING pregnant, NOW I was having major difficulty STAYING pregnant.

Well, I must end this post as my wonderful DH has just brought me Taco Bell for lunch on his lunch break. He just almost let our new kitten out AGAIN. I need to make a sign to put on the door to remind him this afternoon instead of googling...