Terrified.

I am terrified that this pregnancy won't last, but at the same time I am terrified that it will. I didn't know it was possible to feel such wildly conflicting emotions. I am sure there are a million people standing in line to smack me for saying that. I am absolutely grateful to have gotten pregnant again so quickly this time, but having a very busy 8 month old is hard and I cannot imagine having another child so soon. I am still adjusting the sheer amount of work it takes to raise a child while working part-time and having a husband who is out of state several nights per week. I have lost myself a bit, which I thought would never happen to me. And just as I am starting to look for myself again I feel as though I have disappeared. I do realize that this is somewhat temporary and just as I think I can't handle it, something will change. I just hope that holds true.

My body is already changing 6 weeks into this pregnancy, which also scares me. And then on top of that, I am going to be 40 by the time this baby would be born.

OMG! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?? I thought I would feel like I had more control over my life after having a child after such a long struggle with infertility, but that is soooo not the case! I also feel extreme guilt for admitting this is hard. I mean, I am getting exactly what I wanted, right?? I sure hope this is just the pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc...