Tuesday, November 22, 2011

It is real now.

Well, it's official. The baby grew by a week since the last ultrasound almost a week ago and it had a heart rate in the 150s. I was even given a due date and told to make an appointment with my regular ob/gyn. I am totally freaked out at the thought of telling my ob. He is going to freak that I am back already and pregnant. Hopefully I will be way less crazy. This pregnancy is already wildly different from my first. Once you have given birth it is different because you know it is possible. My anxiety lies more now with the baby staying. I just can't wrap my head around having two children 16 months apart.

I am tired and nauseous, so I am going to sign off... will update later. I have an intralipid treatment tomorrow morning.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Terrified.

I am terrified that this pregnancy won't last, but at the same time I am terrified that it will. I didn't know it was possible to feel such wildly conflicting emotions. I am sure there are a million people standing in line to smack me for saying that. I am absolutely grateful to have gotten pregnant again so quickly this time, but having a very busy 8 month old is hard and I cannot imagine having another child so soon. I am still adjusting the sheer amount of work it takes to raise a child while working part-time and having a husband who is out of state several nights per week. I have lost myself a bit, which I thought would never happen to me. And just as I am starting to look for myself again I feel as though I have disappeared. I do realize that this is somewhat temporary and just as I think I can't handle it, something will change. I just hope that holds true.

My body is already changing 6 weeks into this pregnancy, which also scares me. And then on top of that, I am going to be 40 by the time this baby would be born.

OMG! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?? I thought I would feel like I had more control over my life after having a child after such a long struggle with infertility, but that is soooo not the case! I also feel extreme guilt for admitting this is hard. I mean, I am getting exactly what I wanted, right?? I sure hope this is just the pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A real live update

It's alive. I went in this afternoon and didn't even have my husband or son join me in the ultrasound room because I figured that there would be nothing to see. At first I saw the empty sac, but then my doctor maneuvered around a bit and I could see something. If I held my breath I could see the flicker of a heartbeat. It was beautiful even though it looked slow to me. He measured me at 5w6d and the heart rate was in the 90s. He said it looked fine. I hope he is right. I am a bit concerned (okay, a LOT concerned) because my progesterone level has dropped. It started at 27, two days later it was at 25 and now a week later it is down to 20. My doctor was not as concerned as I was, but was nice enough to tell me that I could take progesterone if I wanted to. Yes, I want to. I canceled my intralipid infusion, but may consider rescheduling. I kind-of wanted to wait to see if there would be a heartbeat next week before spending the $250 out of pocket. I guess we'll see. I still don't have a ton of symptoms, which also has me worried. I hate to worry through another entire pregnancy. At least for the moment I am pregnant and the baby is truly alive. Will update more later...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Last post of this pregnancy...

So, this my final night being pregnant according to the medical world. I, myself, know that I am not really pregnant, but doctors don't trust my gut as much as I do unfortunately. Luckily, I was able to get an aappointment for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I told the office that I wanted to rule out an ectopic due to my previous history. I am surprised they agreed to see me. I am so looking forward to saying, "I told you so!" to my doctor. I can already guarantee that they will find a sac measuring smaller than it should with nothing in it. Blighted ovum. I shoulda been a doctor...

So, that is pretty much it. Sorry not to sound more emotional, but after 5 losses it can/should be expected. Glad it will pretty much be over tomorrow. We will have some more sushi and wine to celebrate a little life no matter how short that life was. Of course I am sad, but what can I really do. Sadly, at this age, it is not likely that will ever get to be pregnant again. I am thankful to have been pregnant more than most people ever are (6 documented times and one undocumented). I remember before my first ever bfp (after 26 cycles of trying + IUI), I thought I would never see those 2 pink lines. I have certainly come a long way. I am still a very lucky girl...even in the midst of all of this.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Non update and other things

Not much new. No symptoms, but no spotting yet. I am thinking the red spotting will start tomorrow.

In other things, I realized I never really talk about anything but infertility. I suppose that since I started this blog to get my feelings out that is why. That, and for the better part of 7 years, my thoughts have not strayed far from the topic. I will never forget the time I was standing in the shower and realized I had gone 4 whole minutes without anything infertility-related popping into my head. I found that to be incredibly disturbing, but it is the all-consuming reality of infertility...

So, anyway, I am going to try writing about something unrelated, just for kicks. I try to keep this blog anonymous so I don't go into great detail. I think I may have already mentioned that I live in Arizona. Today it does not feel like it! I had planned on getting up and doing my favorte 3-mile walk along the golf course and canal, but it is dreary and rainy!! Seriously? It feels like fall in WI. I am such a wimp when it comes to the cold. Or maybe I am just lazy about working out, but either way it looks chilly out there! I may go out in the afternon depending on whether it warms up. I miss exercising. I never thought I would go a whole year without working out. I hope I can get back into it and get back in shape. Exercise and travel are 2 of my favorite things in the world and I really need to get back into both. Will update on that now that I may have witnesses and feel some sense of accountability. This is a good thing! Probably just what I need:)

Hope it is sunnier wherever you all are!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Cue spotting

Wow, previous history is spot on (no pun intended). I woke up feeling less pregnant than you can possibly feel and after walking over to my favorite breakfast spot and stopping to chat with our favorite neighbors on the way back, the spotting started. Finally brown and stringy, which is the precursor to either clots or red bleeding. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I can avoid a D&C. I hate to be the bearer of bad news to anyone who might come across this searching for some story about brown spotting being ok, but brown spotting (for me at least) has ALWAYS meant miscarriage. The only spotting I had with my one live born child was pink, never brown. Brown is just not good no matter what anyone says, especially not the brown stringy spotting. I am just being honest. So, the good news is that I will be able to have my xrays done at the dentist's office on Monday after all. The better news is that I will save $250 on the intralipid infusion that should have been done on Wednesday. Whew. The bad news is that the whole thing is still just very sad. I am glad I was at least able to spend some time with this little one (who I know was a girl) while she was here. I will buy myself a little treasure to remember her by. I have a beautiful diamond ring with 3 diamonds for each of my first three losses, plus 6 tiny diamonds for each year of trying. I bought a gorgeous sweater for miscarriage #4 (the one where my hcg topped out at 10) and now I need to find something beautiful to honor this little one. Maybe some earrings or a pretty bracelet. I will have to look around. I am glad that I at least get to spend the day with my live little one. One smile from him helps me forget everything else. I will update more when bleeding is in full swing...

Friday, November 11, 2011

Bloated

That is how I feel right now. Utterly bloated and looking like a human pin cushion from the twice daily Lovenox shots. I swear that my belly button used to be lower. Whenever I go to give myself a shot, I am shocked by how high my belly button is. Not sure when that happened. I may just be getting old and fat :( Or, hopefully it is just that my uterus still thinks I am pregnant. At least if that's the case there is hope that the bloat will disappear without too much work.

Anyway, this is just a short post because I am so tired and it is waaaay past my bedtime. Not much new really to report here. No spotting yet, but based on previous history it should start up again tomorrow... We'll see.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Forgot how long these things take...

Once the spotting starts it should really just go quickly from there, but I guess that would be too fair and easy. Two words that will never be used by an infertile to describe her own life. So, today I didn't have any spotting per se, but more of a **WARNING: TMI** gray creamy discharge after a bowel movement. Haven't seen that before (and I have seen virtually everything). Soo, I will assume that gray is the new brown and we will go from there. Had a tiny wave of nausea in the afternoon, but I also remember having really bad morning sickness with vomiting the day before the D&C with the blighted ovum. For whatever reason, some symptoms had started to kick in with that one. I am hoping this will not be how it is this time. I hate vomiting (not that anyone doesn't, really). I still have some breast tenderness only on the sides (same with last blighted ovum) and it comes and goes. I am thinking that for some reason my hair is extra greasy, too, because of the hormones. When I was pregnant with my son it was the complete opposite. I could go 5 days without washing my hair. Now I can't even go a day :( Speaking of washing hair- I need to add a sidenote- yesterday for the first time in my life I hired people to clean my home. I still can't believe I broke down, but boy I am glad I did. They were AMAZING. This morning I was in the sparkling just-like-new shower and looked over and noticed that my jumbo comb (I use it for detangling in the shower) had been cleaned. The big clump of hair that usually resides at the base of the teeth of the comb was GONE! They even cleaned my comb!! I could get used to this. Anyway, the greasy hair thought just reminded me of that.

Now I am rambling so I will close. I just wanted to give a little update and document my symptoms (and lack of) in case this happens again. I always think I will remember every detail, but I probably only remember half...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Told ya so.

I dont't know why my doctors can't just call a spade a spade. I have told my doctor that this is a blighted ovum since day 1 and he is still saying that from his end, everything looks good (in terms of hormone levels). Nevermind that I have no symptoms, even the fatigue has gone away and now I AM SPOTTING. Pink spotting, not that the color matters. Spotting is spotting. Of course, my doctor's reasoning behind the spotting is because my dose of Lovenox is too high. I respectfully disagree. So much so that I ordered take-out sushi and had a glass of wine. (I only did this because I am 150% certain that this is in fact a blighted ovum- I don't recommend this for people who just "think" it might be over but have no concrete evidence). This is my 6th documented pregnancy (technically 7th, but 1st loss was not documented). This will be my 5th loss (technically 6th), so I think I know a little more about loss than most people I know. I can actually tell the difference between a regular miscarriage and a blighted ovum. How sad is that?? I would go as far as to say that I am an "expert" on miscarriage. This is not anything I ever wanted to be an expert at, believe me.

I haven't told many people, especially not my parents, about this one but as soon as someone talks about how I will probably get pregnant easily now that I had my son I will have to say something snotty and rude. Do people really think that just because you had one success in 6 attempts that all further attempts will be successful??? Has anyone ever taken a statistics course?? WTF?

So, for anyone who may actually be following this I will update again as soon as I can. I have a ridiculously long day at work tomorrow. I anticipate just a little more spotting and then hopefully the bleeding will hold off until the weekend. Jury is still out on whether I will need a D&C. I am REALLY not up for that. Not that it matters what I feel up for. It certainly hasn't mattered at all in the past 7 years. Whenever I start to get sad about this loss, I give my son a big hug and kiss and I do remember how much less distressing this is than it used to be before he arrived. I am very saddened by the fact that he will not have a sibling, but there certainly could be worse things...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Update...ish

Not really much of an update, but whatever. I still have zero symptoms other than fatigue and very occasional heartburn. Even the pulling sensation I had a few days ago is gone. Still no sore boobs, which is kinda nice in the sense that I don't have to do the endless "boob checks" that us repeated losers do. I will admit to an occasional one, but certainly not 10,000 of them. Still no nausea, which is also a bit nice since I hate feeling like I am going to throw up all the time...

So, basically still a blighted ovum. I was able to convince my doctor's office that I needed an ultrasound before Thanksgiving so that I would have a better idea of when to schedule the D&C. It's funny, we just found out that a friend of ours is pregnant for the second time and I can guarantee you the thought of a miscarriage hasn't even crossed her mind. Must be nice. I at least got to experience what it was like to have sex and actually get pregnant quickly and let me tell you, it was really weird. I felt like a traitor at first since this is nowhere infertiles are usually welcome. I even sensed a little jealousy from a close friend who had a short bout with infertility and is now pregnant. I think no matter what, we all feel a little stab when someone gets pregnant so easily, even if it is after enduring more than most people should ever have to endure in the infertile world. I always keep in mind that there are people who have endured far more than I have and may never get their miracle. The only thing that makes me feel like less of a traitor is the fact that I am carrying an empty gestational sac around and have to wait until the first week of December for my D&C. That is more "infertile-like." As you can tell, I feel far more comfy in the infertile world.

No matter what, anyone who has suffered a miscarriage (or FIVE), will forever be robbed of the pure elation of a bfp should bring. Once you know what can and does happen it is never the same, even if you got pregnant your first cycle after your rainbow baby.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

yikes

I just read my previous post from 10 minutes ago and am mortified. My thoughts are completely dsjointed. I kept faling asleep mid-sentence so my thoughts are ridiculously random. Sorry! If I weren't so tired and using my cell phone, I would edit that post. I just can't right now... thanks for reading anyway...

Recurrent Loser.

I like that term better than "habitual aborter." Somehow I had hoped that after giving birth one time to a healthy baby I would never have to endure the pain of miscarriage again. I knew that was really wishful thinking, but here I am. Already. My son is going to be 8 months old on Saturday and I am pregnant again (for the moment). I realize an infertile reading this is going to scream and say, "F you- I don't want to hear you complain about a damn thing, you have your miracle and you should be grateful." I am extremely grateful for my miracle, but I realize now that this was not the end of my losses. I can't keep going through this, it is physically and mentally draining. Because I will be turning 40 soon, we decided that we would not "try" to get pregnant, but that we would not "not try" either. IMHO, you are technically trying if you are not using protection. Either way, by some miracle I got knocked up **almost** like a normal person. Very strange indeed. Not even sure why I took a pregnancy test, but it came back positive right away. I finished the last few sips of wine in case this would be a long-term thing. My hcg on Halloween was 39 (probably 12dpo). Two days later my hcg was 127. It tripled, but then so did the hcg with my last blighted ovum...

Now, tell me if it is strange that I am already bugging my doctor's office for the earliest possible ultrasound so that I can get this overwith. I have planned the d&c in my head and need it to be on Nov. 23rd or at the very latest, the 30th. Those are the only days my husband and I are both available. I do NOT want to drag this out like last time I had a blighted ovum. How do I know it is a blighted ovum, you ask? Well, for starters I have no breast tenderness. Same as with my blighted ovum in December/January 2009 if you care to read. My main "symptom" is that I am completely and utterly exhausted. And that is probably from taking care of an almost 8 month old while working a lot. Fortunately, this kind of thing is a million times easier than when it happens before you have a live baby. I am very distracted between work and my son that I often forget that I am pregnant at all. NOT a good sign, really, as far as a healthy pregnancy goes. At least my doctor hasn't said, "Think positive." Yet. I think he knows that this is a blighted ovum, too. The whole thing is sad, but there is FAR less anxiety associated with it after having gone through this all sooooo many times already.

Will update again as soon as I get everything figured out. My guess now is that nobody is going to want to read a blog like this... I apologize for being "that" person.

Another reason I know this is a blighted ovum is that my husband and I share a dq alpha match of 4.1. My husband is an 0201, 0401 and I am an 0301, 0401. Men who contribute a sperm with 0201 will always be blighted ovums. Which sucks. I HATE having d&cs. They are just plain unpleasant.

Anyway, we will see how this goes and if I can get an earlier scan. In the meantime, I will sit here with my zero symptoms and start the grieving process for another loss...