Sunday, July 11, 2010

Waiting sucks.

Still waiting to do next hcg. I go back and forth between positive and negative feelings toward what is to come. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Part of that is because my husband is out of town for 3 weeks training for his new job and the other part is just generalized anxiety. At least with the anxiety, my heart rate is no longer perpetually above 300 beats per minute. I still have a strange sense of calm. I guess it is because I know that I have zero control over anything that has happened or is going to happen. Why fight it anymore. I just hate how I feel after a loss and can't bear the thought of going through that again. I think people are just starting to get bored with the whole thing. This is now the 5th time I have been pregnant. I am like the boy who cried wolf. Everyone is already planning to get together for drinks next weekend, knowing that I will most likely be able to drink with them by then. I just find it sad.

I think that if my stupid pregnancy systems were more consistent I could relax a little. You would have thought that my betas would have given me a reason to be hopeful. True, but losing some of my symptoms dashed that hope. I am trying to just block out the world right now. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. For whatever reason, it just puts me in a negative mood. I just want to be alone to enjoy whatever time I have with my baby. I really am grateful for the time that I have been able to spend with him. Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY tough day waiting for the results. I wish my husband could be here with me for that, but maybe it will be better for me to just be alone. I hate to have him see me so upset.

I'm still hoping that the fat-lady will come down with a fatal case of laryngitis.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The fat-lady is warming up

So much for anything in life being easy. I got my 2nd beta results back and they were at 201. The night before, it was weird because I was still 'feeling' like I was not alone, like there was a baby in there. I had nothing but positive thoughts with just an occasional moment of panic. It was exciting to be able to picture the future. I was never able to do that in a pregnancy before. I knew that something was different and I was so hopeful for once. Silly girl, hopefulness is for losers. I was able to get in to see one of my previous REs because he was the only doc I knew who would go for the whole intralipid idea. He knew Dr. Sher personally and although he doesn't agree with the whole DQ Alpha thing he agreed to do the intralipids. The thing I found really funny is that he joked about it being witchcraft even though he uses bee stings for infertility! I think they are all a little crazy, but in reality probably just ahead of their time. I prefer docs who think outside the box rather than using a "one size fits all" method.

During my 4.5 hour IV drip of pure fat (what woman puts PURE FAT into their veins!??) I anxiously awaited my beta # 3 results. I was feeling hopeful, yet nervous. They came back at 507, which was great. I just still felt nervous and couldn't really shake it. Then, when I got home and did my 10,000th boob check of the day, I realized that mine were possibly a little smaller and not as sore. Then I had cramping and a little light brown spotting the rest of the evening. I was pretty upset by the time I finally went to bed. Even crying. I was still able to "talk" to the baby and feel like it was in there, but then woke up with horrible night sweats. Night sweats tell me that I had a huge hormone shift and in this case I think that my hormone levels unfortunately shifted downward. I still "feel" the baby, but am not nearly as optimistic as I once was. I guess reality had to smack me in the face. God forbid I would enjoy a day or two of pregnancy. Clearly that is an insane sense of entitlement on my part. What on earth would make me think that I could feel happy about this pregnancy?? Why would hopefullness be allowed to slink its way in? Silly, silly girl.

I called the doc and begged for another beta and he didn't want to do it because it wouldn't change any of the drugs I am on. That is fine, but if my hcg is dropping then CLEARLY I would need red wine therapy. Duh. Nobody understands. So here I sit and wait. I am only on my 5,000th boob check today, so I guess I have about 30,000 more until my next beta.

I hope the fat-lady loses her voice.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Tripped up...

I haven't posted in a while so there is some catching up to do. If you read my last post, I was doing well but knew that there was almost a guarantee that my "recovery" would be tripped up. Boy, that was an understatement.

I finally finished miscarrying in February- apparently there was still some tissue that had to be passed before my hormone levels finally went back down. The next couple of months were busy. I was feeling really great and had many things to look forward to! My old roommate from college came to visit for spring break and ended up moving to Arizona shortly after that, which was perfect timing. She is not of the "must have children" mentality, which is exactly what I needed! In April, I went to LA to watch my husband run in a 200-mile relay race. I was so proud of him! I remember watching his team run through Beverly Hills at midnight looking tired and I swore to myself I would NEVER do that. Soooo, when my birthday rolled around in May and I had one too many glasses of wine my friends suckered me into doing the next 200-mile relay in Las Vegas in October. Ouch. I am sooo not a runner, so we'll see how that goes. Something to look forward to in a way...

The best thing we had to look forward to was a 12-night Baltic cruise in June. We were nervous that we wouldn't make it to London for the cruise because of the volcano erupting in Iceland diverting planes...and then the flight attendant strike on British Airways (which fortunately ended the day before we left!!). On top of all of that, here is the kicker:

I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNANT THE WEEK BEFORE WE LEFT.

I know, WTF?!? I had "that feeling" and took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest positive I had seen in all of my pregnancies. I went straight to the doctor for a blood draw. Needless to say, my doc was a bit surprised to see me. Because it was a weekend, I couldn't have my blood drawn again until Monday. So, all weekend was spent peeing on sticks. They were all super-faint so we at least knew what would happen next. The waiting part sucked. My hcg came back at 10, so that was very bad. I started spotting the next day and bleeding the day after that at 4w5d. It was so shocking and it all happened so fast that I never really had a chance to process it before we left for Europe. Once we got to Europe, we were so busy and having so much fun that I was able to just forget about it. I pretty much stuck with the gluten-free, dairy-free diet that I started in March on the cruise, but I guess you could call it more of a "wine" diet of sorts. We didn't have to drive anywhere and we had these cute little cards that felt like "pretend" credit cards and you just handed them to the waiter any time you wanted a drink. It was waaaaay too easy.

The cruise was absolutely amazing!! We were so lucky to be able to go and we appreciated EVERY second of it. Going to Russia was amazing. We loved every port of call and met so many nice people along the way. It was so depressing to come home to face reality and the miscarriage, along with a good friend that got pregnant a week before me and is still pregnant. I was so tired on top of it all.

Now, here is the next kicker: A FEW DAYS AGO (A WEEK AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM EUROPE), FOUND OUT THAT I AM PREGNANT AGAIN. NO JOKE.

Now, before anyone thinks, "See? All you needed to do was relax and go on vacation!" I must strongly disagree with that thought. Do you know how many vacations we have taken in the past 6 years?? More than I can count on two hands. I can guarantee that was not it. I am thinking it may have been my change in diet, which in turn normalized my thyroid function that would be a more likely explanation.

Considering that it took me almost 3 years to get pregnant with my first one (only to miscarry), it is nearly impossible for me to believe that I have been pregnant 3 times in the past 6 months. I am suddenly sort-of-fertile-Myrtle. I say "sort-of" only because I once again came up with a low first beta of a whopping 24. I figured that was at about 12 dpo or so, maybe 11. Either way, not a number to get very excited about. That said, I am trying to appreciate every second of this pregnancy always knowing that it could be my last.

It is so sad that now when I tell my close friends that I am pregnant, they say, "I'm so sorry," rather than "Yeah! Congratulations!!!" I don't mind that they say that- I think that my closest friends just know better than to say "congrats" at this point. I guess that is what is sad about it. I have been thoroughly robbed of the excitement that is supposed to go along with seeing those 2 pink lines. The only silver lining at this point is that I know exactly what to expect when I see that faint 2nd line.

So, how is that for an update?!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Finally over...sort-of.

It is finally almost over. I had my D&C 2 weeks ago today. Unfortunately, my ob/gyn's office called today to inform me that while my hcg levels dropped significantly, they were not near zero so I need to go back in 2 weeks for further testing. I had been feeling really good until I heard that today. I have had my moments, but for the most part I have felt like I have been reborn. I have felt great. It is like I am trying to make up for the past 6 hellish years. I picked up my ring finally to mark the end of this journey. It has 3 bigger diamonds, one for each miscarriage and 6 tiny diamonds, one for each year of trying to have a baby. It really helped me to mark the end. I also did quite a bit of retail therapy over the past few weeks which always helps. Oh, and the wine... I also took a trip to WI to surprise my mom for her birthday. I had been worried that I wouldn't be able to take the trip because of the whole D&C thing. My mom was very surprised and we had a fun weekend. I got to see lots of my old friends, which really helped.

I do have to admit that when I see a new baby, I still get upset. Maybe it is just still a little raw. I don't really get mad as much at the person with the baby, but I get sad for myself and my family. Maybe that is just the process of truly letting go of a dream. I have never truly let go of a dream before so I don't know how the process works. I am very concerned about how anxiety will affect me as soon as my hcg drops back to zero. With my last 2 miscarriages I suffered from severe anxiety attacks and my hcg only got up to 220. This time it was at 81,000 right before my D&C so I have to be prepared. It sucks because I feel so great right now and just want that feeling to continue! The only anxiety I have experienced so far was on my flight home. The guy behind me made a sniffle/snort sound rather than just blowing his stupid nose and it drove me insane from Milwaukee to Phoenix. He did it 61 times. I counted. He was already at 27 before we even took off. At first I thought he maybe had special needs, but when I saw him after we landed he was clearly a businessman. No ring on his finger and I am certainly not surprised. He probably makes that annoying sound a lot. Between his annoying snort and the turbulence for the last hour of the flight my nerves were SHOT. Maybe it was a good thing that I still had hcg in my system keeping the anxiety at bay.

Nothing else really new. Just trying to keep to myself and process everything. Hoping that I will continue to feel pleased with my decision to stop any form of fertility treatment. I won't even look at fertility blogs on the internet. I want nothing to do with it. I am moving on :) I hope that if there is anyone who actually reads this who is in the thick of the whole infertility mess they will see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would never have believed it myself if I hadn't seen it!! I am trying to run toward the light, but I know I will get tripped up along the way. There is always something...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Almost there...

This feels like it is dragging on forever. To top everything off, I now have full-on morning sickness. Apparently the placenta is growing just fine, but it hasn't gotten the message about the baby not being there anymore. Since I was a little girl, there has been nothing I hated more than vomiting. I am sure nobody likes to vomit, but I was terrified of it. So last night, it finally happened. I laid next to the toilet while my cats watched in shock. One was sitting on the bathroom counter looking down at me and the new kitten had his paws up on the toilet seat for a better view. He was fascinated. This is the same kitten who watched Animal Planet for almost 30 minutes nonstop today. He is a curious little guy and I am positive that this is the first time he has ever witnessed someone vomiting.

So, I had no choice but to call in sick today for work. I have no sick time left, technically, so it is considered "unpaid leave." Not good for the pocketbook. I have to take tomorrow off, too, and so does my husband (also unpaid) so that I can finally have my D&C. Honestly, with all of this nausea and vomiting, I am not so sure I want to ever be pregnant again. It is absolutely not glamorous on any level.

I will write again when I am feeling up to it, though it may be a while as I let all of this nonsense sink in. Maybe this made my decision on child-free living that much easier since now I am not so sure I would want to do egg donor (since that could involve me being pregnant). Maybe adoption will start to sound different. Who knows. I can only take life minute by minute anymore...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I think this is finally it...

I think that this is the official last day of this pregnancy. I am sad, but I will be relieved when this whole ordeal is over. I had only had a little bit of brown spotting after visiting the ER the other night, but today I had some red spotting. That is usually the official beginning of the end. I know that hearing it from the nurse or doctor will make it more real so I am dreading that, but at least my husband will be with me at the appointment. I already took the entire day off work and I may even take Tuesday depending on how I am feeling. I am still hoping to do this naturally, but I am supposed to be flying to WI to surprise my mom for her 71st birthday in 12 days and I want this to be over before then.

On a happier note (sort-of), I did find the ring that I plan to buy to honor my 3 little babies. It is a beautiful Tiffany ring that is just a silver band with three .05 carat diamonds. It is platinum, but I want to see if they can make it with white gold instead since that would probably cut the cost in half. I just want this ring to be special.

One of my good friends is a psychiatrist, so she has been encouraging me to get out and do things and not lay at home in bed not eating. She took me out to a movie the other night and then today she brought over a casserole. That is the sweetest thing anyone has done for me after these miscarriages. I also took her advice and went out to dinner last night. It sucked ordering a virgin margarita, but at that point I still had that little voice in my head saying, "You never know...". That damn voice is still there, but I think I have beaten it to a whisper finally. It should be gone by tomorrow.

I am just looking forward to that glass of wine tomorrow night.

Friday, January 1, 2010

So much for ringing in the New Year...

I warn you in advance that I am going to be pity partying for several weeks here. Since most people would minimize what is happening to me, the only sympathy I will get is from myself and I feel very deserving of it at this point.

So, I of course had to come up with a great way to end yet another crappy year. This was perfect! I couldn't have planned it better if I had tried! I started bleeding a little and passed a large clot (sorry, tmi) right after stopping to pick up some non-alcoholic champagne for our big New Year's Eve celebration. (I had even been motivated enough to buy some fish and a salad to make for dinner. I also picked up 4 movies including "Up" which supposedly covers the topic of infertility and miscarriage). So even though I knew it was coming, the bleeding made me cry. I called my ob/gyn and was transferred to the answering service as the office was closed. A very rude doctor called me back and was just very flippant about the whole thing. He actually sounded like he had opened his New Year's Eve champagne bottle a little early... In the end, he said that I should just go to the ER if the pain gets worse and maybe they will agree to test the tissue that I had just passed and saved, but that it probably would be expensive and not covered by insurance. Of course it wouldn't be covered, I am no longer really pregnant so why would ANYTHING be covered.

My husband was sweet and left work to come home and take me to the hospital. We checked in along with a million other people, including a poor little boy who had just had his finger cut off. He was probably the bravest person in that hospital. He didn't even cry. Meanwhile I had tears streaming down my face. We didn't have to wait as long as I thought. They brought me back to the very same room I miscarried in the first, no, the second time. The first time we were in Hawaii when the bleeding started. I didn't go to the hospital there, I just avoided swimming with the sharks. So, they came in and I had a million vials of blood drawn and an IV put in 'just in case'. Then came the dreaded catheter. I do prefer them for the ultrasounds where they want you to have a full bladder because I just can't hold it. This time it was more painful and my bladder started having a spasm as soon as they got the catheter in there. The ultrasound took quite a while. I had hoped that the little circle I saw was a yolk sac, but no such luck. It was the stupid catheter. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that when we got to my uterus the sac was still empty. Now it was measuring 5w2d instead of the 5w3d that it measured TWO days ago. From all of my googling, it was clear to me that the diagnosis was "Blighted Ovum." I don't know why people are so hesitant to call it what it is. I am a big girl, I can take it.

After the ultrasound, we waited for a while for the radiologist to read it and get the bloodwork with my hcg level. When the doc came back, he asked what me what my last hcg had been. On Monday it was 10, 268. Well, he said that it was now 31,000+ (can't remember the exact number). So, it had doubled and was continuing to do so. He basically said that it might be just too early to see anything on u/s and that I should follow up with my doc on Monday. There was no discussion of the d&c that I had been planning. I guess we will have that talk on Monday. I think he was surprised that I looked so upset about the numbers going up since he considered that a good thing. According to my googling, that is NOT a good thing. Bleeding/clotting/cramping in pregnancy is rarely a good thing regardless of hcg level. I explained to him that I had really wanted to consider this whole thing as part of 2009 rather than start 2010 off with a miscarriage. For now, I am going to consider it still as part of 2009 because that is technically when the miscarriage "started."

So, our usual ritual after miscarriage is going to KFC so I can get one of those mashed potato and chicken bowls. I am not necessarily a huge fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but it is true comfort food. I never actually eat there unless I am miscarrying. Imagine my utter shock and disappointment when we drove by our local KFC and it was CLOSED! Where have I been? I never noticed that it closed! I was upset because after 4 hours at the ER, I was starving and craving KFC. Ugh. So much for a miscarriage tradition. We ended up at Arby's, which turned out to be great. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the horsey sauce there!

We rang in the new year watching a movie until the countdown and then drinking the sparkling cider. That stuff actually tastes better than champagne!

Now it is January 1st and I am trying to motivate myself for yet another year. I am so tired that I just can't get excited about it. I don't even want to KNOW what 2010 is going to bring. It scares me to death. Every year I have hope that things will be better and every year I am deeply disappointed. Lest you think that I am a complete ingrate, I do realize that I have many things that other people only could dream of (a bed, a pillow and a blanket for starters). It is just very hard to keep losing the one thing that you want especially when it is something that everyone else gets easily and for free. Miscarriage is an extremely painful experience, both emotionally and physically, particularly when it takes you many years and tens of thousands of dollars to get pregnant in the first place. I refuse to let anyone minimize my pain and I will allow myself the time to grieve and give myself the sympathy that I get from nobody else. Until someone has walked in my shoes for even a day, they are not allowed to have a say in how I "should" feel and how "lucky" I am other ways. I am quite positive that they would not be feeling very lucky at all if their third child was in the process of dying. There is truly nothing worse out there than the people who always say, "Look on the bright side, at least you can (fill in the blank)." This statement comes only from the mouths of people have never experienced anything truly devastating in their lifetime. I know that I should pity their ignorance and inexperience, but I just don't have the energy. They should just know better. My advice to those who want to know what to say in ANY sad situation is to just say "I am so sorry, I can't imagine what that must feel like." Please don't go on about how fortunate I am. If your parent/spouse/child/friend was dying, would you want me to say, "Think about how fortunate you are." ?? I seriously doubt you would be feeling fortunate in that moment.

Happy New Year.