Didn't mean to leave you hanging...

Sorry I have not updated. Part of it is that I haven't had a lot of time, but the other part is that I am still not sure what to make of this pregnancy. I had an ultrasound last Monday after not having a lot of symptoms and the baby was still there and measuring 8w6d with a heart rate in the 160s. I was STUNNED as I did not know that it was possible to be pregnant and have nausea disappear suddenly. My other symptoms (heartburn, fatigue, a little breast tenderness) were still there, but I figured it was the progesterone that I am taking.

So, now I have made it a whole week and I am getting concerned again that the baby will no longer be there. I am way better than I was when I was pregnant with my son, but the crappy thing about repeated pregnancy loss is that it sucks the sheer joy that you should feel out of the pregnancy. It is so unfair. I listen to people who had no trouble getting pregnant talk and after their 8-week ultrasound (or even just after they pee on a stick) they talk about their baby as someone who will be here soon needing all sorts of baby things. Anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss or especially multiple losses can probably relate to the feeling I have that pregnancy becomes a terrifying game of life or death and there is no guarantee that a bouncing live baby will be the end result.

I will be 10 weeks on Wednesday and I have been having a hard time bonding with this baby. I have hardly talked to her like I used to with my son (yes, I said "her" because I just have a hunch). I am never sure if she is there for sure so it is hard to spend time talking with her. I don't love her any less than any of my other 5, I guess I am just scared. I am almost 40 years old so the "less than 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat" doesn't really apply to me. I also have the additional label of a 'repeated pregnancy loser' so that ups the chances of another loss. For as hard as it was initially for me to hear that I was pregnant this time, it is going to be a devastating loss if this baby is not still alive on Wednesday. I was just listening to the song, "Gone Too Soon," by Daughtry and it made me so sad for all of my losses and the idea that I could lose yet another one. The song had a video with it (it was posted on a blog I read) and it was the kind of thing anyone, losses or not, would need a box of tissue for.

Anyway, I will update again soon and let you know how Wednesday goes. I am supposed to do an intralipid infusion with my RE and then I go to my regular ob for my 10-week check-up. I still can't believe that they hand out those backpacks with coupons and give you a folder about choosing a hospital at that appointment. That is just crazy to me. I at least talked them into doing the ultrasound first for me before putting me through the whole spiel about the pregnancy. My friend went in for her 8 week appointment and sat through the whole spiel and then did the ultrasound and found out it was a blighted ovum. She was so upset, rightly so.

I guess I should get back to writing my holiday cards and getting them ready to send out. I swear I am not going to get them finished this year!!!!

So much for that...

So, I have had pink spotting off and on since last Sunday and then yesterday my nausea was gone and it is not back today. Spotting + sudden loss of symptoms= something generally not good. I am not totally surprised as I had felt that something was not right from the start. My doctor is going to squeeze me in hopefully tomorrow for an ultrasound. Luckily he does not dismiss my concerns and make me wait until my 10-week ultrasound. If I need a D&C I need to get it planned asap. My husband and I work pretty much opposite days so I need to figure out how we will schedule a surgery. I need to have it done before all of our out of town guests arrive on the 21st. We have several holiday parties to work around, too. My work CANNOT find out about this pregnancy. Funny, just a few days ago I was trying to figure out how I would get away with not drinking at our holiday work party and now I am thinking that I may very well NEED to get drunk at the party! I hate to sound nonchalant about a pregnancy loss, but when you get to number 5 it starts to become sadly routine. Of course I am always sad, but if I focused on all of these losses I would never get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, my son is like an alarm clock and would never allow me to stay in bed. He is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the first place. If this loss had occurred before he was born, I would not be able to even describe the devastation. Right now, all I can allow myself to focus on is the fact that I am so fortunate to have him at all. Sadly, there are so many people out there still trying so hard to even see those two pink lines or get "the call" from the adoption agency.