Long overdue update!!

Wow. It is a good thing I don't blog for a living! I am so bad at leaving people hanging. It is now about 8 months after that first surgery to place the expanders. For not working at my regular job, I sure stayed busy. I have been on a leave of absence since the start of the school year in August. I just turned in my notice to return for the coming school year. I hope it was a good decision!

So, my daughter's skin expansion went fairly well. The expanders themselves did not appear to hurt her or really get too much in her way. Kids have an unbelievable ability to adapt to their circumstances! We went in for weekly saline injections to fill her "bubbles." That was by far the worst part. She began to dread these visits to the surgeon's office and cried, "No more pokies!" Wednesdays became very difficult. We gave S a present after each fill, usually something from Target like a game or shopkins toy. It helped but the dread was still a factor.

Her surgeon put anywhere  from 40-60ccs in each "bubble" at each visit. It was hard to watch:( It was also hard to keep a dancer off her feet. Somehow, one of her bubbles had a leak. The surgeon never did figure out where it was coming from. She said it could have been there right away and we just noticed it more as it grew. We will never really know for sure. Unfortunately, because of this leak we did not know whether or not her second surgery would be successful or if S would come out of surgery with another expander for a few more months.

When August came, her surgeon said she would be ready for the next surgery at the end of August so we got it on the schedule but let them know that we were very flexible and if they needed us to take a cancellation we could do it. Well, the next afternoon at 1pm I received a call saying that they would like to move us to the next day! It was a scary decision to make on short notice but after discussing it with my husband and finding out that her first anesthesiologist was hand picking the anesthesiologist for the next surgery we were ready. Our first anesthesiologist was very aware of the MTHFR mutation that S has so we felt like we were in good hands. She had come out of anesthesia without difficulty the first time so we wanted the same thing for the second surgery.

We are so lucky to live in such close proximity to an amazing children's hospital. It makes such a difference. The next morning we were as ready as we could be given short notice. I figured that mentally it was better to just get it overwith. There wasnt going to be a good time for this surgery.

The surgery took 3 hours, which is like 3 months when it is your precious baby! We placed bets on whether she was going to come out with the entire mole and expanders removed or just the partial mole and a new expander. Fortunately I won that bet!! The surgeon said she had just the right amount of skin to work with. Yay!!!! She tolerated the surgery well and when I got to see her she was asking for goldfish crackers so I knew she was okay. She was wrapped like a burrito and had two drains coming out of her little body to drain any fluid build up. This was a major surgery and her entire back was pretty much new skin that had to readhere to her back. Her incision was taped so we didnt get to see the scar fully for a couple of weeks.

When we first got S home, it was clear that this surgery was much more difficult on her than the placement of the expanders was. She was in more pain but still was able to rely on advil and tylenol. We were trying to avoid using the narcotics they gave us, but would have most definitely given them to her if the OTC pain reliever hadn't worked. She was not up and dancing for several days. The fluid built up and she had a hematoma. It didnt look right so we called the doctor on call. He suggested stripping the lines (a technique where you hold one end of the tube while you use your other fingers to pull along the tube to loosen anything in it and get the flow started again). Luckily the technique worked like a charm and she put out about 90ccs of fluid in a matter of an hour. She had been putting out less than 10 and her back was so puffy prior to that. I think S felt a lot better with the fluid drained. She ended up missing 3 weeks of school. We couldn't send her with those drains for fear of infection or accidentally getting the drains pulled out by another preschooler. OUCH!! Her class made very sweet Get Well pictures for her. Her teacher offered to help. Everyone was so sweet.

It was such a relief to have those surgeries over. The removal has been hanging over our heads since she was born! To celebrate we booked a cruise to the Virgin Islands and Bahamas on NCL. We were on the Norwegian Escape and it was A.MA.ZING. We actually enjoyed it as much as our Disney Cruise in February. We were very impressed with NCL. It was so much fun to see our daughter running around on the beach without her "bubbles." :)

The scar is healing pretty nicely and will hardly be noticeable someday. She earned that scar so she should be very proud of it. She is an amazingly strong little girl and I am in awe of her bravery!!

Here is a photo from one month post op. You can see a small scar at the bottom right. That is from one of her drains. She has a similar scar on the other side:

Here is a photo from 5 months post op. It definitely looks less raw:

For anyone who is researching nevus removal and has any questions at all, please leave a comment. I would be happy to answer any questions about how we decided to do the removal and how the process went. It certainly is a difficult decision. I worried that I would miss our daughter's beauty mark, and I did - for about 10 minutes. I quickly realized we had done the right thing for us and for our daughter though. We have no regrets!

Day of surgery

It has been almost a month now since the initial surgery.  I meant to get this posted sooner!! Better late than never...

The night before our daughter's surgery we took our 5 year old son to his first sleepover at our friends' house. He was beyond excited, luckily! It could have gone either way, but he did great! It was so nice to be able to get up at 4am on the morning of the surgery and not have to deal with sibling rivalry or waking 2 exhausted kids. We let our daughter sleep as late as we could. She woke up fine and seemed to be ready for the day, though I could see that she was a bit nervous. She mentioned being scared a few times and I empathized and told her that everyone feels scared the first time they do something they have never done before.

It took about 45 minutes to drive downtown to the hospital and I was holding it together well enough. It seemed a bit surreal to be honest. When we arrived, check-in went smoothly and we went up the the main waiting area. There were many people there and it was all very organized. We were brought back to a room and we got settled in. The nurses did a few things and then. "Child Life Specialist" came in and explained what was going to happen in very child friendly terms. He was really great. He also showed some pictures of where she would go next and where she would wake up.

One of my biggest fears going into surgery was the fact that our daughter has the MTHFR gene mutation (heterozygous). Fortunately the amazing anesthesiologist and I talked 2 nights before about it amd then he came in again to talk more about it while we were in the awesome kids playroom on that floor (they had Frogger and Donkey Kong!!). I could tell that he took the mutation seriously and was very knowledgeable. He really was able to calm a lot of my fears and had great recommendations for the future as far as additional testing to see how she metabolizes specific drugs. Very fascinating information. I also have the mutation but have 2 copies of the A1298C. Either way, nitrous oxide as well as Tyelonol appear to be no-nos for us.

After talking with him, it was time to sign some papers for the nurse, one of which talked about rare anesthesia complications including death so I asked her how rare was rare exactly and she said that she hadnt seen anything rare in her 19 years and had nothing but amazing to say about the anesthesiologist we were working with. That was really helpful to hear. If only she knew how much!!

Our daughter's surgeon came in last and talked with us and joked with our daughter and got her comfortable. I am proud to say our little brave girl did not need the calming medication to get her back to the O.R. She just held her surgeon's hand and walked out the door with her. It was priceless. Watching her walk away was tough, but I didnt get any further than tears stinging my eyes. Huge progress for me!!!

My husband and I walked down to the cafeteria and it was so nice! They had gluten free pancakes!!! Yay!! And eggs, and bacon.... I was even able to eat knowing that she was in such great and capable hands. There were large screens posted all around with the status of patients in surgery. We had a case number and could just check the board, like at the airport, to see where she was in the process. Toward the end, a volunteer came for us and put us in a meeting room so we could talk with the surgeon. She came in and said that our daughter did great and that we could see her shortly. She also drew a helpful diagram of what exactly what she did.

Seeing our daughter in recovery I was prepared for thanks to those who had been in a similar situation. Our daughter was like a wild animal snorting and grunting as she began to come to. I am convinced that it happened so quickly because we knew about the genetic mutation. If I hadnt suffered so many miscarriages along the way I would never have known that I had the mutation or that I had passed it along. Oops:(

Anyway, within about 15 minutes of her waking up, we were in a wheelchair and on our way to the car!!! Unbelievable. She was on morphine so she was feeling no pain on the way home, even strapped into her carseat!

She was happy to be home and settled in. She was a bit sleepy and the pain meds started to wear off about 2 hours before she could take more motrin. Ack. And my husband and my father were out on a mission to find liquid oxycodone. Seemed so hardcore to me that we have kept her just on motrin since surgery. So far so good. The motrin kicked in when she could finally take it and that is when she requested a manicure.

She seems to enjoy all of the attention and tries to garner more. Such a ham! Here is a post surgical photo. It is less disturbing to look at when you know that she is not in pain!!

My next posts will be about filling the expanders. The harder part...

Nevus surgery

This may be my first post that is unrelated to infertility.  I feel compelled, however, to write about my daughter's surgeries to remove a large congenital melanocytic nevus from her back- partly to document it but mostly to help someone else in the same position. I was so fortunate to have come across a blog that was mostly about running, but included the blogger's experience with her son's nevus removal. I sent her an email and she quickly responded and became a wonderful source of support. She was able to prepare me for what was to come.

So, I will start by trying to upload a photo of my precious daughter shortly after birth so you can see what her nevus looked like in the beginning. For those who are planning to keep the nevus,  you can see that it did lighten in color significantly. 

(I did it! My first photos on the blog!)

Anyway, when our daughter was born we were told to see a pediatric dermatologist who advised removing the nevus once our daughter was 6 months old. At the time, we didn't question it much but then our daughter had very painful silent reflux which was causing her growth to slow. We did not feel that having the surgery would be a good idea at that point.  We revisited the idea a year later and talked with another dermatologist who said that more people were deciding not to remove these. 

We carefully considered all of the pros and cons to removal and eventually decided that removal was the best option for us. With even a 5% risk of melanoma we felt it wasnt worth it for us. (You can also look at that as a 95% chance she would not get melanoma). We also felt that when she is a teenager she would not want to have a large hairy mole covering part of her back. I understand when people say that it would build character, but I do feel she will be able to build character in other ways. Kids have become more cruel and this would be an easy target. I would love to be someone who could say,  "you know what, this is her mole and it is beautiful just the way it is (because it is!) and everyone else can just deal with it," but reality is more cruel. When I put myself in my daughter's shoes 10 years from now, I strongly feel that she would be upset that we didn't take it off when we could.  That being said, I do not believe there is a right or wrong answer in these cases. It is a personal decision that no parent takes lightly and should be respected, regardless of the decision. What works for one family may not work for another. 

I think that a big factor in our decision was that I was born with a hemangioma on my nose that could not be removed until I was 13 years old. My childhood memories are not all bad, but the teasing was frequent and the damage long-lasting. (I still get teary eyed watching Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer). I always thank my parents for removing it, especially because the removal was paid for out of pocket. I,am so grateful that they were able to afford to do it. It was considered cosmetic, whereas our daughter has a significantly higher risk of death from melanoma than the average person due to her nevus so it is covered by insurance.

My next post will be about the day of her first surgery. Then I plan to chronicle the months of expansion followed by the surgery to remove the actual nevus.

I have to get to bed because I have to be up tonight to give meds and need to catch a little sleep. I feel like I have an infant again with this new schedule! 

Almost a year

Life happens so quickly! It has been almost a year since my last post. Seems unreal. My son will be turning FIVE in less than 2 weeks! And my daughter will turn FOUR in July. Unbelievable really. They are both doing very well.

My son is in preschool and is doing well and making friends, which is a relief. His teacher does not notice any sensory issues and has no concerns about him so that is great. I still worry about the next few years, but hopefully he will do well. Eye contact is still an issue with new people. His OT mentioned that he still has reflexes that should have disappeared at age 1. This indicates an immature nervous system and can affect learning so I will be keeping a close eye on it. My husband wants to take a break from OT (more from the financial commitment), which I understand but the whole reflex thing xoncerns me. My husband is ignorant about child development so I will be the one in charge of making sure my son gets the help he needs going forward. In order to do that and also to be there for my daughter's upcoming surgery (more on that in a minute), I have decided to take a year leave of absence from work. I am waiting to see if it is approved. I will have to quit if it is not approved, which makes me a little sad but I will have no choice. I have enjoyed that part of my life to some extent (though the majority of the time I find the job very stressful). It has been a huge part of my identity, but I have always wanted to try doing something totally unrelated. We will see if any opportunity presents itself. I will keep my current certification and license just in case...

Back to my daughter's surgery. It is one I have been dreading since her birth. She was born with a giant congenital hairy nevus on her back. It covers 40% of her back so it will require multiple surgeries and skin expansion (google that to see why i dread this!). It is almost a perfect circle and is beautiful to me. I am afraid she will not agree when she is a teenager. I hate making the decision for her, but with the increased risk of melanoma we feel it is in her best interest to do the removal now. We have been doing some psychological preparation and she seems to accept the idea. Her only question is always, "Is it gonna hurt?" I can't lie to her so I tell her that it may hurt a bit, but that she can tell us if it does and we can give her medicine to make the pain go away. I worry about the actual surgery a lot because of her MTHFR gene mutation. I need to consult with the anesthesiologist who will be doing her surgery to make sure she gets the safest anesthetics for her condition. I have had trouble with processing anesthesia and now realize it is due to this mutation.

Between the surgery, work and my husband's non-traditional (read: shitty) work schedule, life is hard. But amazing nonetheless. It is certainly not a hard life compared to many so I cant really complain. I just need to make some adjustments to make it work for where I am currently at in terms of what I can handle. We have no family in town to help so it can be a real juggling act some days, especially the weeks that my husband is gone for 4-5 nights straight. Being a pilot's wife sounds glamorous, but I assure you that it is NOT once you have a family. You are basically a single mom. (Kudos to all the single moms out there!). All of our pilot friends' wives don't work outside the home (I am starting to see why!), so I will try it to see if it reduces my stress level. I know that I am extremely fortunate to be in the position to not work for a year.

Other than that, life is going pretty well. We just went to Orlando and then on a Disney cruise to the Bahamas with my parents. My dad will be 80 this year so he wants to create happy memories for us while he is still able to.  The trip was so much fun even though the weather wasn't good and we were all sick with some terrible upper respiratory virus. It was a much needed vacation. Our second real vacation since 2010!! Oh, and very important to note- we went on the same exact ship that our miracle son was conceived on!!! How is THAT for a special memory!!!

On March 5th, our miracle baby's birthday, we will do the Resolve Walk of Hope. We have been wanting to do it for a long time. Last year I was still dealing with the broken toe. This year, with it falling on our son's birthday, seems like just a special year to do it. We want to do what we can to help and support others who are struggling through the hell that is infertility.

I don't know if anyone will ever come across this blog, but I hope it will be of some help to someone out there. I wrote for my own sanity during a difficult time, but also to help others feel less alone with their negative thoughts. Hoping that now this blog can also give hope to those who need it.

Smack.

Right in the face. There was infertility again. Just when I think I may have "moved on" (not actually possible), I find myself blindsided by those emotions. So today, I had to do one of those video goodbye messages for my boss, who is retiring. I knew that I wanted her to know how much her support meant to me during my struggle (all out war) with infertility, so I brought a picture of my son (who just turned FOUR!) and my daughter (who will be THREE! in 2 months) to include in my message. In the video I told her that she was one of the best directors I have ever had and that I had been warned in graduate school by a previous supervisor that nobody in the real world would be accommodating during times of need like they are in graduate school. I told her that she proved that supervisor wrong and that without her support by giving me time off for my fertility treatments and surgeries I would not have my beautiful children (I held up the pictures). And SMACK. There were the tears (on video. Omg.). I was completely blindsided. I didn't even feel them coming. I am mortified, but also know she will appreciate this message. She surely thinks I am crazy. The last time I was in her office requesting time off I was attempting to explain infertility and being all jacked up on hormones I proceeded to mention that it was very upsetting because I couldn't do what most rabbits can do so easily. Not.professional.at.all. I was truly an emotional basket case all of those years and I would love to go back and apologize to anyone who met me at any point during those 7 years. I was not myself, but I was morphing into who I am today. Someone who is no longer the same person, but someone who also carries some seriously deep scars from the journey.

Today was definitely out of the blue. I used to function on the verge of tears like that at all times, especially after my second miscarriage (and third...and fourth...). I cannot believe that I was even able to hold down a job in that state mind. Wow. My boss was seriously a kind and compassionate person to keep me in my position. I know that many people are not so lucky. I am glad that I was able to formally thank her. I am sad that infertility is permanent regardless of how it is "resolved."

4 years

Hello... Anyone out there? I should probably start titling these posts "annual update" since that is becoming the trend. I gave the title 4 years because, O.M.G., my son will be turning FOUR 2 weeks from today. FOUR. YEARS. How can that even be possible??? The years go by all too fast. I love watching my children (so unbelievable to even say) grow and learn, but wow, sometimes I just want to freeze time. I am trying to take more videos of them because they are so fun to watch later on. I miss the baby phase so much sometimes. I swear if I was younger I would have one more. I truly don't envision another at this point and am at peace with that primarily because of my very advanced maternal age. I also feel that I want to focus on the two I have. I feel like our little family is perfect right where it is. That is not to say that another child would not be welcomed, it just isn't something I would ever TRY to do. I feel lucky to have been able to have a boy and a girl. Having one of each is the best of both worlds for sure.

Little boy is still quirky, maybe slightly less so, but still quirky. I can't imagine him being anything other than an engineer the way he puts things together. He sees the world in a different way. Nobody wants their child to be different and struggle with friendships and the world at large. It is hard and I don't know how the next several years will play out for him socially but I am doing my best to guide him. He is smart as a whip so hopefully some direct teaching will help him (helps that I am a speech pathologist and we work a lot on social language). He will attend a full day pre k program next year which I think he will enjoy. He is the cuddliest little Momma's boy ever and we share a very special bond. I love him to pieces. Still hard to believe it has been four years since he arrived!!!

Little Miss is now 2 years, 7 months and is adorable. A very pretty girl according to all who meet her. Her eyes are stunning and OMG this girl can flirt! Fun to watch her in action. Embarrassing at times! She is much more laid back than her brother but does like things in order. She is obsessed with shoes (my parents report that she got this from me). She has a sweet tooth and will beg for chocolate (like her mommy). She loves art (didn't get that from mommy) and also loves Star Wars (that is from daddy). She actually chose Star Wars over Hello Kitty when given a choice between shows to watch. She says the funniest stuff and has the cutest, tiniest voice ever!! I need to record her more often. She goes to daycare/preschool three days per week and seems to enjoy it. We wanted to have her around typically developing peers for socialization. She and her brother get along until they don't. They are so close in age it feels like I am raising twins some days. Lots of work especially when the hubby is out of town so much. Little Miss is a bit of a daddy's girl so that can be challenging. She will be turning THREE in just 4 months. Ugh. I am out of babies:(

The hubby is doing well, though he is "man sick" right now. You know how men get a sniffle and it completely devastates them. Meanwhile I am sick but going to work and then doing extra at home so Mr. Man sick can rest. In his defense, his sniffle is worse than usual and there is a cough involved. Overall, married life is settling down a bit as the kids get easier, which is nice. I was worried it wouldn't get better!

I am doing ok. Have gained a crapload of weight (25-30 lbs) since I stopped breastfeeding. I knew it would happen. Now I need to get healthy so I can start semi private training at the gym. I broke my toe in October amd it STILL hurts and now I have a sore throat. My body really suffered with the stress of 7 years of fertility drugs and surgeries followed by 2 csections 16 months apart, not to mention what pregnancy itself does to the body. Follow that with 16 months of exclusive pumping and an extremely limited diet and you have the makings of a fat old unhealthy mom:( Add on the stress of a kid on the autism spectrum and working part time and being a single mom several nights per week and there you have it. Hard to believe I am alive! I am going to reclaim my old body and try to restore my health. As I read all of that back to myself it makes me realize that I need to be kind and patient with myself. I should actually look much worse than I do based on all of that.  

I will get there. Somehow being a mom has made me less hard on my body image. The kids filled a gaping hole in my heart. Now it is all of the small stressors that are adding up.  I need to regain my focus and get healthy for my kids so I can be a good role model.

Maybe I should write more frequently so nobody has to wade through a ridiculously long post like this again!!

I should be off to bed. Getting more sleep is one of my big goals and I am making progress.

Little by little...

Random update!

Wow,life gets busy. In case anyone reads this, I want to update every once in a while. Things seem to be settling in-ish here. Do they ever really settle?? Am quickly learning that they don't. So I just try to enjoy every moment. Sometimes I am amazed by how content I feel amidst the chaos that is life. My little ones are not really so little anymore and they have entered the cutest of cute phases. If I were 10 years younger and wealthy I would most certainly try to have another. But, alas, I am not and I am beyond grateful for the 2 I have. I still lurk on the infertility blogs. I cant seem to stay away. I guess I feel more connected to the infertile world than the fertile world. I hurt for those who are in the place that I spent so much time in. I am so often amazed by their resilience. I dont remember ever feeling resilient, but perhaps I was. Sometimes I think that just surviving to tell about another day is the definition of resilience, no matter how that day turns out. I guess I dont have much else to add. The kids are doing pretty well. My son turned 3 and can be such a sweet boy. He continues to be quirky and is actually having an EEG at the end of the month to rule out seizures. I do believe he will eventually end up with a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. Time will tell. Baby girl is growing and talks nonstop. She is so cute and sweet and I credit some of my son's progress with her sheer existence. She has really helped him so much. I hope that they both continue to do well. And I hope that they remain the best buddies that they are now!! I am so, so lucky to have them. Knowing this makes raising them a little bit easier in my opinion. Anyway, I hope people stop by once in a while and I hope that the information I have written about is useful to someone at some point. If you still have even a shred of hope left in your heart, please dont give up trying to have a child. I will try to update again soon, probably with more details about my daughter's upcoming surgery to remove the giant hairy nevus from her back:( Am sooooo not looking forward to all that entails. Just google "skin expander toddler" to get an idea. Poor girl... Sidenote- I just realized that it has been almost a YEAR since my last post!!!! Yikes. That went by entirely too fast. WOW.

another ghost blog

Wow. I have become a ghost blogger again. I just realized I have not posted since 2012 and it is already halfway through 2013!! Not that too many people are probably interested. I am now officially 28 months out of infertility (sort-of), but the scars truly linger. I have realized they will probably never fade and may even be of the keloid type (those super wide ones). I have a friend (same friend I yelled at (see post back in December of 2009) who is pregnant with her second child. First one required 5 IUIs, which sounded like an absolute dream to me. I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy (even though I got pregnant without truly trying the second time around). She is so lucky she didn't have to endure the length of infertility that I did. In the time that it took her to get pregnant and have two, I was just finishing up my first round of miscarriages. The journey had only just begun for me. I am absolutely thrilled for her to have another baby, but I am still shocked by my own reaction. I don't know why I am still shocked by this, but I am. I figured that these pangs of jealousy would be gone after giving birth, but that is not the case. Again, I am beyond lucky to have my two kids, but wow, I can't believe salt still bothers these wounds. Maybe it is because I wish I were younger and had more money- I would no doubt try to have another baby if that were the case. I oddly miss the thrill of peeing on a stick. I have opted for abstinence as of late because I am terrified of having another at my age. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be in the situation of trying to AVOID pregnancy. It is truly surreal. Parenting certainly has its own challenges, but nothing compared to infertility. And, trust me, we have had challenges. My son seems to be possibly on the autism spectrum, very Aspergery in many ways-mostly sensory issues (toe walking, limited eye contact...) and my daughter has a birthmark that covers 40% of her back that will need to be removed this fall in a 4-month stretch of procedures that include skin expansion and multiple trips to Chicago for the actual procedures. On top of that, work and my husband's flying schedule have me in a dither. At then end of the day, however, I look at my children and thank my lucky stars every.single.day. No matter how hard the day was. I read blogs written by people in the trenches and my heart aches for them. I am well aware that not everyone will have the ending I had, in fact, most probably won't. It pains me to see others going through this. I almost feel that I have some form of "survivor's guilt" from this experience. When talking to other mothers, I feel that I have absolutely earned my two children, but when I meet someone in the trenches I feel like I got some sort of lottery ticket. I am constantly amazed by how much infertility has impacted my life. Not much else that has happened in my life compares. I feel guilty when I chime in and "complain" with the other mothers mostly because I could quite potentially be offending someone within earshot. I have a coworker who I feel that I should probably apologize to because I know I have constantly talked about my son at work and she has to sit and listen to it. She actually helps give me advice about his sensory issues. Anyway, she came out of the closet several years ago and is now in a relationship and engaged to be married to a woman. She was actually married previously and struggled with infertility. I am sure that I have made comments that may have hurt her and I always think of it after the fact but have never said anything. I feel so bad. I am sure that just because she is no longer married to her first husband does not mean that her dream of having a child has gone. I am sure that she has plenty of scars from her infertility experience as well. I really need to work on being more sensitive. Thank you for letting me get that off of my chest. Anyway, I am starting to ramble again as always. I really just wanted to post a quick update since I have been silent (busy) for a while. Having two kids 16 months apart is not brilliant by any means, but I will take it if it means keeping them both. If there were a way to plan these things I would have signed up, but, alas, this is not how it worked. I hope that you are all doing well out there and that you are finding happiness no matter what path you end up on. If anyone reads this and it has helped in any way, please leave a comment. I really hope that I have been able to help at least a few people along this never-ending journey. I will update again at some point... P.S. If anyone has experience with a toddler with poor eye contact, please leave a message and I will contact you...

Good chaos

I have started a million posts and not finished one. I am not really sure why. I am thinking that months of sleep deprivation will do that to a person. I will take my sleep deprivation though. After the events of Friday in Connecticut, I hold my babies even closer (if that is possible). My son was having one of his tantrums yesterday and normally I would get agitated, but I felt guilty for feeling any agitation because I knew that there were many people going to bed without their child who would gladly have taken a tantrum every hour to hold their child again. So unbelievably horrifying. On a lighter note, I just felt like checking in to document where life is at. We moved into our new home and love it! I am sadly trying not to become too attached in case my husband would lose his job in the coming months due to another airline merger. Trying not to think too much about it right now. Will deal with it if/when it happpens. Kids are doing well. Big boy is a hoot! He is a unique little guy with such a big personality. He is starting to really talk a lot. I swear it is because we started him on fish oil. He is regularly using 2-word combiations. As a speech-language pathologist, it is amazing to watch language develop. We have been talking a lot to Big Boy about Santa's upcoming visit. He is fascinated by this chimney thing and listens very carefully. So, tonight at dinner we asked him what he would lieave for Santa when he comes. He thought for a few seconds and then said, "Cookie." We then asked him what he would leave for Santa to drink. Without missing a beat, he responded, "Beer." We were skyping with my parents and they about fell out of their chairs! He does such cute things all the time. It usually makes up for his crying spells... Little girl is doing well, but is doing things a little more slowly than Big boy did. We tried feedig her oatmeal tonight and she wasn't really interested. I think it was partly due to teething, partly due to reflux and possibly related to the surgery she had on her tongue and lip at 4 weeks old :( She also isn't rolling over. She did it at 3 months, but has't done it since. She is also fairly quiet, whereas her big bro was a chatterbox. Amazing to me how different they are. She is very sweet and makes much more eye contact than her brother ever has. She has the bluest eyes, which is strange since mine are brown. Blue eyes are all over the place on my side of the family so maybe that is it. Oh, and she snores like a chainsaw!! The ENT said that it is due to her acid reflux and that she should grow out of it. I sure hope so otherwise she will never get married! Not much else new here. Hoping to get some rest over the holidays. We haven't gone out at all because our regular sitter broke her back in a car accident. Poor girl :( I hope that those of you still struggling with infertility have some peace over the holidays and that the new year brings you everythiing you wish for. I will check in sooner next time for anyone who reads this blog.

She is here!!

In case anyone still comes across ths blog, I don't want to leave you hanging! I survived my pregnancy and our little girl arrived on July 5th at 2:15pm via scheduled c-section. She is beautiful:) She was 8lbs, 20 1/4 inches long. We are soooo in love!

She ended up with a giant birthmark on her back which will need to be removed due to the high risk of melanoma. She will need to have skin expanders for a few months prior to the surgery, which will not be fun. She already had to have laser surgery to fix her upper and lower lip tie, which was impacting breastfeeding. Not many doctors acknowledge that this can affect nursing and a baby's latch. Wish I had know this before when I tried (and failed) to breastfeed my son. We found a dentist in California who does laser surgery on infants so we packed up and left on a little adventure. It was tough to see my little girl held down to have the surgery (she was awake, but they numbed her up), but the dentist said it was one of the most severe he had seen and that the space between her teeth would have been very large if we had waited. She still would have needed surgery if we had waited, only it would have to be done under general anesthesia. We really wanted to avoid that and in the end, we are very happy we made the decision to do it. Two different doctors we have been to lately also agreed that we made the right decision.

Poor thing also has terrible reflux and is now on Zantac, which was a miracle drug for her. She has also had specks of blood in her stool, so it looks like it is either an allergy to something specific that I am eating or she has an allergy to my milk protein. The latter would be sad for me since this time I actually have a good milk supply and haven't had to use formula (even though there is nothing wrong with using formula). The specialist we saw said that I would not be killing her with my milk and that I could continue to breastfeed, but that if her symptoms became worse or she was not growing she would recommend switching to formula. She said that if she seems happy and is growing well that I could continue doing what I am doing. I am still trying to cut out foods that she may be sensitive to, but I haven't seen huge changes yet. I will take it week by week at this point.

Not gonna lie, it has been very difficult to have two children under the age of 18 months. It is hectic, but I would still take this over infertility. My worst day of parenthood thus far has been better than my best day of infertility. Infertility is just plain difficult. Parenthood is difficult, too, but not in the way infertility is. Infertility does not give you the reward of a smile at the end of the day. Infertility doesn't do anything cute. You can't dress infertility up to be pretty. You really can't cuddle infertility.

I do have to say that infertility gave me some very close new friendships and while it ruined others it strenghthened some of the friendships I already had. It also made me a stronger person and taught me to seize the moment. We never put off trips for infertility, but this is mainly because of our connection to the airline industry. I understand that the majority of infertiles have no choice but to put off treatment and trips for financial reasons. We were just very fortunate to be able to travel so much. It was all I had at the time and I clung to my travels. So glad I did because I was right all along in saying that it is not the same traveling with kids.

So, now I am just rambling. My point is that I hope those who are still struggling with infertility can reach their dream of having a family one day, no matter what that look like and that somewhere in my ramblings there is information that is useful to even one person.

I will try to update as I go, but I know that it is often tough to read blogs about parenthood while you are struggling. Please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment and I will be in contact (I know, I know, there have never been any comments left for me in all of my years of blogging, but you could always be the first!).

Best of luck on your journey. Don't give up if you have even the smallest shred of hope left in your heart...

Updates

**I can't figure out how to get the new format to show my paragraph separation, so this post may be annoying to read (other than just the poor writing!) because it is like a giant run-on paragraph**I had intended to document some of this pregnancy, but just haven't had the time. Or maybe it is that I am still a little nervous- certainly not in nearly the same way as last time, but still nervous about getting lucky twice in a row. It really just isn't my style. I guess not all is going perfectly or I would be more nervous. My husband will likely be furloughed (laid off in airlline terms) if another merger goes through. That would be very bad as I would then have to go back to work full time and miss watching my children grow up. They do grow up so fast and after going through what I did to have them, I don't want to miss a second. It is time I will never get back. I guess if I have to go back to work, I will be able to look at it as just plain being lucky to have them at all even if I only see them for a few hours a day. So, I am still pregnant and will be 30 weeks along on Friday. It has gone so much faster this time than the last, probably because I am so insanely busy at work even though I am only working 3 days per week. Sometimes it feels like more just because I am a single mom for most of the week since my husband is gone for 4 days at a time these days. I am not supposed to lift anything because I still have placenta previa, but that is obviously impossible when we have no family here to help and I am alone so much. I have been contracting a lot in the afternoon on the days I work, so it is then hard to come home and try to take care of my son. I also just found out I failed my glucose test and have to go back on Friday (my 40th birthday!) for a 3-hour glucose test. I hope I pass it because my diet is already very limited by the gluten/dairy free thing. Plus, I love candy. So far, the baby has looked good in the ultrasounds and is a mover. She is starting to accumulate a small wardrobe, but we still don't know where we will put her. Our dilemma is that we have 3 wonderful kitties, but one is mean to the one of the others so one has to be kept in her own room (a.k.a. the new baby's nursery). She has been urinating on the carpet pretty much any time the newest one (the one we call our "IVF baby" because we got him during the 2ww of our 2nd failed IVF) comes near her. We are at our wits end because we live in an 1100 sq ft condo on the 2nd floor and have NO space for anything, no garage and we our extremely underwater and can't move unless we foreclose. It is causing me great anxiety. I want the quarantined kitty to have a good life, but it would be next to impossible to find a new home for a 12 year old cat with anxiety issues :( And the other two really can't be separated as they are joined at the hip. Ugh. I know, if were still waiting for my miracle babies I would be taking this kind of stress ANY day over the stress I was under trying to get pregnant. It is a hard place to be in sometimes because I don't want to complain, but there are still stressors once you have kids they are just very different. More annoying than life threatening (to me, infertility was truly life threatening) I guess, but still there. I am a very lucky girl. I just hope my luck holds out and I can get my son's sister here safely. I will try to update a little more for anyone reading, but I am guessing most people end up on this blog by accident or are searching for a way to get or stay pregnant and don't care to read about parenting. I didn't much care to read about parenthood back when I was in the trenches, so I completely understand. I just want people to know how things turned out. If I could help even one person have his/her miracle baby by learning from what we have done I would be so happy. Please, please, please leave a comment if any of the information has been helpful to you. It would make my journey even more worth it in the end.

Why do people care?

I am not quite sure why people feel the need to ask if your c-section is necessary. I don't ask them if they should really be doing a vaginal birth or natural birth etc. It is really none of my business (or theirs). The same busybodies who make women feel guilty for not breastfeeding seem to be the same who feel the need to tell you why you should do a vaginal birth vs. a c-section. The reality is that the risk of death and complications is virtually the same, though you will not see this on any website promoting "natural" anything. The reality is that it should be the patient's informed choice and not dictated by an insurance company or the government. For many who have had multiple miscarriages or a stillbirth, getting a live baby at the end of it all is the primary goal. In my own situation, I just wanted to get my baby here alive and well and fast, before complications had time to occur. After losing 4 pregnancies and working as hard as I did to achieve this pregnancy I was not about to end up going through a long and stressful (for myself AND my baby) labor. I wanted my child out as quickly as possible even knowing the risks (albeit small) of major surgery. Why do the "pro-vaginal birthers" feel that their opinion is the only one that counts. These are the same women who supposedly promote choice for women and here they are telling other women that it the worst thing that could happen to you is to have a c-section. I think it would be worse to lose my baby, but maybe that is just me... They often argue that women have been giving birth naturally for 500,000 years. Have they ever noticed that prior to modern medicine (including the ability to perform c-sections), the death rate during childbirth was up to 40%.

I guess it comes down to the fact that many of us who worked very hard to achieve our pregnancies do not obsess over something as trivial as thinking we must "experience" vaginal delivery. The more important thing is a healthy baby no matter how we deliver it, don't you think? I think pregnancy was amazing enough, I don't feel the need to "experience" anything but raising my child.

Just had to get that out there...

Oh, and for the record, I was fortunate (though I wouldn't really call it that fortunate!) enough to have had a previous uterine surgery that allowed my doctor to "let" me have a c-section. He would have let me try a vaginal birth, but I just wanted to meet my little boy. And I did.

still here...

Wow. I can't believe I haven't posted in a month! I have the holidays and in-laws to blame. Not going into detail but suffice it to say that I am happy the holidays are over. incredible news is that I am almost 14 weeks pregnant. And it's a girl just like my hunch told me:) More on that later. I am still waiting on the genetic screen to even think about all of this.I would write more now, but I have to be up early for work. It is getting harder to find clothes that hid the start of a little bump. Typing is keeping my husband awake so more later. It is also hard to type from my new phone. Hope there are still a few people reading along!

Didn't mean to leave you hanging...

Sorry I have not updated. Part of it is that I haven't had a lot of time, but the other part is that I am still not sure what to make of this pregnancy. I had an ultrasound last Monday after not having a lot of symptoms and the baby was still there and measuring 8w6d with a heart rate in the 160s. I was STUNNED as I did not know that it was possible to be pregnant and have nausea disappear suddenly. My other symptoms (heartburn, fatigue, a little breast tenderness) were still there, but I figured it was the progesterone that I am taking.

So, now I have made it a whole week and I am getting concerned again that the baby will no longer be there. I am way better than I was when I was pregnant with my son, but the crappy thing about repeated pregnancy loss is that it sucks the sheer joy that you should feel out of the pregnancy. It is so unfair. I listen to people who had no trouble getting pregnant talk and after their 8-week ultrasound (or even just after they pee on a stick) they talk about their baby as someone who will be here soon needing all sorts of baby things. Anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss or especially multiple losses can probably relate to the feeling I have that pregnancy becomes a terrifying game of life or death and there is no guarantee that a bouncing live baby will be the end result.

I will be 10 weeks on Wednesday and I have been having a hard time bonding with this baby. I have hardly talked to her like I used to with my son (yes, I said "her" because I just have a hunch). I am never sure if she is there for sure so it is hard to spend time talking with her. I don't love her any less than any of my other 5, I guess I am just scared. I am almost 40 years old so the "less than 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat" doesn't really apply to me. I also have the additional label of a 'repeated pregnancy loser' so that ups the chances of another loss. For as hard as it was initially for me to hear that I was pregnant this time, it is going to be a devastating loss if this baby is not still alive on Wednesday. I was just listening to the song, "Gone Too Soon," by Daughtry and it made me so sad for all of my losses and the idea that I could lose yet another one. The song had a video with it (it was posted on a blog I read) and it was the kind of thing anyone, losses or not, would need a box of tissue for.

Anyway, I will update again soon and let you know how Wednesday goes. I am supposed to do an intralipid infusion with my RE and then I go to my regular ob for my 10-week check-up. I still can't believe that they hand out those backpacks with coupons and give you a folder about choosing a hospital at that appointment. That is just crazy to me. I at least talked them into doing the ultrasound first for me before putting me through the whole spiel about the pregnancy. My friend went in for her 8 week appointment and sat through the whole spiel and then did the ultrasound and found out it was a blighted ovum. She was so upset, rightly so.

I guess I should get back to writing my holiday cards and getting them ready to send out. I swear I am not going to get them finished this year!!!!

So much for that...

So, I have had pink spotting off and on since last Sunday and then yesterday my nausea was gone and it is not back today. Spotting + sudden loss of symptoms= something generally not good. I am not totally surprised as I had felt that something was not right from the start. My doctor is going to squeeze me in hopefully tomorrow for an ultrasound. Luckily he does not dismiss my concerns and make me wait until my 10-week ultrasound. If I need a D&C I need to get it planned asap. My husband and I work pretty much opposite days so I need to figure out how we will schedule a surgery. I need to have it done before all of our out of town guests arrive on the 21st. We have several holiday parties to work around, too. My work CANNOT find out about this pregnancy. Funny, just a few days ago I was trying to figure out how I would get away with not drinking at our holiday work party and now I am thinking that I may very well NEED to get drunk at the party! I hate to sound nonchalant about a pregnancy loss, but when you get to number 5 it starts to become sadly routine. Of course I am always sad, but if I focused on all of these losses I would never get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, my son is like an alarm clock and would never allow me to stay in bed. He is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the first place. If this loss had occurred before he was born, I would not be able to even describe the devastation. Right now, all I can allow myself to focus on is the fact that I am so fortunate to have him at all. Sadly, there are so many people out there still trying so hard to even see those two pink lines or get "the call" from the adoption agency.

It is real now.

Well, it's official. The baby grew by a week since the last ultrasound almost a week ago and it had a heart rate in the 150s. I was even given a due date and told to make an appointment with my regular ob/gyn. I am totally freaked out at the thought of telling my ob. He is going to freak that I am back already and pregnant. Hopefully I will be way less crazy. This pregnancy is already wildly different from my first. Once you have given birth it is different because you know it is possible. My anxiety lies more now with the baby staying. I just can't wrap my head around having two children 16 months apart.

I am tired and nauseous, so I am going to sign off... will update later. I have an intralipid treatment tomorrow morning.

Terrified.

I am terrified that this pregnancy won't last, but at the same time I am terrified that it will. I didn't know it was possible to feel such wildly conflicting emotions. I am sure there are a million people standing in line to smack me for saying that. I am absolutely grateful to have gotten pregnant again so quickly this time, but having a very busy 8 month old is hard and I cannot imagine having another child so soon. I am still adjusting the sheer amount of work it takes to raise a child while working part-time and having a husband who is out of state several nights per week. I have lost myself a bit, which I thought would never happen to me. And just as I am starting to look for myself again I feel as though I have disappeared. I do realize that this is somewhat temporary and just as I think I can't handle it, something will change. I just hope that holds true.

My body is already changing 6 weeks into this pregnancy, which also scares me. And then on top of that, I am going to be 40 by the time this baby would be born.

OMG! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?? I thought I would feel like I had more control over my life after having a child after such a long struggle with infertility, but that is soooo not the case! I also feel extreme guilt for admitting this is hard. I mean, I am getting exactly what I wanted, right?? I sure hope this is just the pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc...

A real live update

It's alive. I went in this afternoon and didn't even have my husband or son join me in the ultrasound room because I figured that there would be nothing to see. At first I saw the empty sac, but then my doctor maneuvered around a bit and I could see something. If I held my breath I could see the flicker of a heartbeat. It was beautiful even though it looked slow to me. He measured me at 5w6d and the heart rate was in the 90s. He said it looked fine. I hope he is right. I am a bit concerned (okay, a LOT concerned) because my progesterone level has dropped. It started at 27, two days later it was at 25 and now a week later it is down to 20. My doctor was not as concerned as I was, but was nice enough to tell me that I could take progesterone if I wanted to. Yes, I want to. I canceled my intralipid infusion, but may consider rescheduling. I kind-of wanted to wait to see if there would be a heartbeat next week before spending the $250 out of pocket. I guess we'll see. I still don't have a ton of symptoms, which also has me worried. I hate to worry through another entire pregnancy. At least for the moment I am pregnant and the baby is truly alive. Will update more later...

Last post of this pregnancy...

So, this my final night being pregnant according to the medical world. I, myself, know that I am not really pregnant, but doctors don't trust my gut as much as I do unfortunately. Luckily, I was able to get an aappointment for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I told the office that I wanted to rule out an ectopic due to my previous history. I am surprised they agreed to see me. I am so looking forward to saying, "I told you so!" to my doctor. I can already guarantee that they will find a sac measuring smaller than it should with nothing in it. Blighted ovum. I shoulda been a doctor...

So, that is pretty much it. Sorry not to sound more emotional, but after 5 losses it can/should be expected. Glad it will pretty much be over tomorrow. We will have some more sushi and wine to celebrate a little life no matter how short that life was. Of course I am sad, but what can I really do. Sadly, at this age, it is not likely that will ever get to be pregnant again. I am thankful to have been pregnant more than most people ever are (6 documented times and one undocumented). I remember before my first ever bfp (after 26 cycles of trying + IUI), I thought I would never see those 2 pink lines. I have certainly come a long way. I am still a very lucky girl...even in the midst of all of this.

Non update and other things

Not much new. No symptoms, but no spotting yet. I am thinking the red spotting will start tomorrow.

In other things, I realized I never really talk about anything but infertility. I suppose that since I started this blog to get my feelings out that is why. That, and for the better part of 7 years, my thoughts have not strayed far from the topic. I will never forget the time I was standing in the shower and realized I had gone 4 whole minutes without anything infertility-related popping into my head. I found that to be incredibly disturbing, but it is the all-consuming reality of infertility...

So, anyway, I am going to try writing about something unrelated, just for kicks. I try to keep this blog anonymous so I don't go into great detail. I think I may have already mentioned that I live in Arizona. Today it does not feel like it! I had planned on getting up and doing my favorte 3-mile walk along the golf course and canal, but it is dreary and rainy!! Seriously? It feels like fall in WI. I am such a wimp when it comes to the cold. Or maybe I am just lazy about working out, but either way it looks chilly out there! I may go out in the afternon depending on whether it warms up. I miss exercising. I never thought I would go a whole year without working out. I hope I can get back into it and get back in shape. Exercise and travel are 2 of my favorite things in the world and I really need to get back into both. Will update on that now that I may have witnesses and feel some sense of accountability. This is a good thing! Probably just what I need:)

Hope it is sunnier wherever you all are!