Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Smack.

Right in the face. There was infertility again. Just when I think I may have "moved on" (not actually possible), I find myself blindsided by those emotions. So today, I had to do one of those video goodbye messages for my boss, who is retiring. I knew that I wanted her to know how much her support meant to me during my struggle (all out war) with infertility, so I brought a picture of my son (who just turned FOUR!) and my daughter (who will be THREE! in 2 months) to include in my message. In the video I told her that she was one of the best directors I have ever had and that I had been warned in graduate school by a previous supervisor that nobody in the real world would be accommodating during times of need like they are in graduate school. I told her that she proved that supervisor wrong and that without her support by giving me time off for my fertility treatments and surgeries I would not have my beautiful children (I held up the pictures). And SMACK. There were the tears (on video. Omg.). I was completely blindsided. I didn't even feel them coming. I am mortified, but also know she will appreciate this message. She surely thinks I am crazy. The last time I was in her office requesting time off I was attempting to explain infertility and being all jacked up on hormones I proceeded to mention that it was very upsetting because I couldn't do what most rabbits can do so easily. Not.professional.at.all. I was truly an emotional basket case all of those years and I would love to go back and apologize to anyone who met me at any point during those 7 years. I was not myself, but I was morphing into who I am today. Someone who is no longer the same person, but someone who also carries some seriously deep scars from the journey.

Today was definitely out of the blue. I used to function on the verge of tears like that at all times, especially after my second miscarriage (and third...and fourth...). I cannot believe that I was even able to hold down a job in that state mind. Wow. My boss was seriously a kind and compassionate person to keep me in my position. I know that many people are not so lucky. I am glad that I was able to formally thank her. I am sad that infertility is permanent regardless of how it is "resolved."


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