I warn you in advance that I am going to be pity partying for several weeks here. Since most people would minimize what is happening to me, the only sympathy I will get is from myself and I feel very deserving of it at this point.
So, I of course had to come up with a great way to end yet another crappy year. This was perfect! I couldn't have planned it better if I had tried! I started bleeding a little and passed a large clot (sorry, tmi) right after stopping to pick up some non-alcoholic champagne for our big New Year's Eve celebration. (I had even been motivated enough to buy some fish and a salad to make for dinner. I also picked up 4 movies including "Up" which supposedly covers the topic of infertility and miscarriage). So even though I knew it was coming, the bleeding made me cry. I called my ob/gyn and was transferred to the answering service as the office was closed. A very rude doctor called me back and was just very flippant about the whole thing. He actually sounded like he had opened his New Year's Eve champagne bottle a little early... In the end, he said that I should just go to the ER if the pain gets worse and maybe they will agree to test the tissue that I had just passed and saved, but that it probably would be expensive and not covered by insurance. Of course it wouldn't be covered, I am no longer really pregnant so why would ANYTHING be covered.
My husband was sweet and left work to come home and take me to the hospital. We checked in along with a million other people, including a poor little boy who had just had his finger cut off. He was probably the bravest person in that hospital. He didn't even cry. Meanwhile I had tears streaming down my face. We didn't have to wait as long as I thought. They brought me back to the very same room I miscarried in the first, no, the second time. The first time we were in Hawaii when the bleeding started. I didn't go to the hospital there, I just avoided swimming with the sharks. So, they came in and I had a million vials of blood drawn and an IV put in 'just in case'. Then came the dreaded catheter. I do prefer them for the ultrasounds where they want you to have a full bladder because I just can't hold it. This time it was more painful and my bladder started having a spasm as soon as they got the catheter in there. The ultrasound took quite a while. I had hoped that the little circle I saw was a yolk sac, but no such luck. It was the stupid catheter. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that when we got to my uterus the sac was still empty. Now it was measuring 5w2d instead of the 5w3d that it measured TWO days ago. From all of my googling, it was clear to me that the diagnosis was "Blighted Ovum." I don't know why people are so hesitant to call it what it is. I am a big girl, I can take it.
After the ultrasound, we waited for a while for the radiologist to read it and get the bloodwork with my hcg level. When the doc came back, he asked what me what my last hcg had been. On Monday it was 10, 268. Well, he said that it was now 31,000+ (can't remember the exact number). So, it had doubled and was continuing to do so. He basically said that it might be just too early to see anything on u/s and that I should follow up with my doc on Monday. There was no discussion of the d&c that I had been planning. I guess we will have that talk on Monday. I think he was surprised that I looked so upset about the numbers going up since he considered that a good thing. According to my googling, that is NOT a good thing. Bleeding/clotting/cramping in pregnancy is rarely a good thing regardless of hcg level. I explained to him that I had really wanted to consider this whole thing as part of 2009 rather than start 2010 off with a miscarriage. For now, I am going to consider it still as part of 2009 because that is technically when the miscarriage "started."
So, our usual ritual after miscarriage is going to KFC so I can get one of those mashed potato and chicken bowls. I am not necessarily a huge fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but it is true comfort food. I never actually eat there unless I am miscarrying. Imagine my utter shock and disappointment when we drove by our local KFC and it was CLOSED! Where have I been? I never noticed that it closed! I was upset because after 4 hours at the ER, I was starving and craving KFC. Ugh. So much for a miscarriage tradition. We ended up at Arby's, which turned out to be great. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the horsey sauce there!
We rang in the new year watching a movie until the countdown and then drinking the sparkling cider. That stuff actually tastes better than champagne!
Now it is January 1st and I am trying to motivate myself for yet another year. I am so tired that I just can't get excited about it. I don't even want to KNOW what 2010 is going to bring. It scares me to death. Every year I have hope that things will be better and every year I am deeply disappointed. Lest you think that I am a complete ingrate, I do realize that I have many things that other people only could dream of (a bed, a pillow and a blanket for starters). It is just very hard to keep losing the one thing that you want especially when it is something that everyone else gets easily and for free. Miscarriage is an extremely painful experience, both emotionally and physically, particularly when it takes you many years and tens of thousands of dollars to get pregnant in the first place. I refuse to let anyone minimize my pain and I will allow myself the time to grieve and give myself the sympathy that I get from nobody else. Until someone has walked in my shoes for even a day, they are not allowed to have a say in how I "should" feel and how "lucky" I am other ways. I am quite positive that they would not be feeling very lucky at all if their third child was in the process of dying. There is truly nothing worse out there than the people who always say, "Look on the bright side, at least you can (fill in the blank)." This statement comes only from the mouths of people have never experienced anything truly devastating in their lifetime. I know that I should pity their ignorance and inexperience, but I just don't have the energy. They should just know better. My advice to those who want to know what to say in ANY sad situation is to just say "I am so sorry, I can't imagine what that must feel like." Please don't go on about how fortunate I am. If your parent/spouse/child/friend was dying, would you want me to say, "Think about how fortunate you are." ?? I seriously doubt you would be feeling fortunate in that moment.
Happy New Year.
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