The fat-lady is warming up

So much for anything in life being easy. I got my 2nd beta results back and they were at 201. The night before, it was weird because I was still 'feeling' like I was not alone, like there was a baby in there. I had nothing but positive thoughts with just an occasional moment of panic. It was exciting to be able to picture the future. I was never able to do that in a pregnancy before. I knew that something was different and I was so hopeful for once. Silly girl, hopefulness is for losers. I was able to get in to see one of my previous REs because he was the only doc I knew who would go for the whole intralipid idea. He knew Dr. Sher personally and although he doesn't agree with the whole DQ Alpha thing he agreed to do the intralipids. The thing I found really funny is that he joked about it being witchcraft even though he uses bee stings for infertility! I think they are all a little crazy, but in reality probably just ahead of their time. I prefer docs who think outside the box rather than using a "one size fits all" method.

During my 4.5 hour IV drip of pure fat (what woman puts PURE FAT into their veins!??) I anxiously awaited my beta # 3 results. I was feeling hopeful, yet nervous. They came back at 507, which was great. I just still felt nervous and couldn't really shake it. Then, when I got home and did my 10,000th boob check of the day, I realized that mine were possibly a little smaller and not as sore. Then I had cramping and a little light brown spotting the rest of the evening. I was pretty upset by the time I finally went to bed. Even crying. I was still able to "talk" to the baby and feel like it was in there, but then woke up with horrible night sweats. Night sweats tell me that I had a huge hormone shift and in this case I think that my hormone levels unfortunately shifted downward. I still "feel" the baby, but am not nearly as optimistic as I once was. I guess reality had to smack me in the face. God forbid I would enjoy a day or two of pregnancy. Clearly that is an insane sense of entitlement on my part. What on earth would make me think that I could feel happy about this pregnancy?? Why would hopefullness be allowed to slink its way in? Silly, silly girl.

I called the doc and begged for another beta and he didn't want to do it because it wouldn't change any of the drugs I am on. That is fine, but if my hcg is dropping then CLEARLY I would need red wine therapy. Duh. Nobody understands. So here I sit and wait. I am only on my 5,000th boob check today, so I guess I have about 30,000 more until my next beta.

I hope the fat-lady loses her voice.