Waiting sucks.

Still waiting to do next hcg. I go back and forth between positive and negative feelings toward what is to come. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Part of that is because my husband is out of town for 3 weeks training for his new job and the other part is just generalized anxiety. At least with the anxiety, my heart rate is no longer perpetually above 300 beats per minute. I still have a strange sense of calm. I guess it is because I know that I have zero control over anything that has happened or is going to happen. Why fight it anymore. I just hate how I feel after a loss and can't bear the thought of going through that again. I think people are just starting to get bored with the whole thing. This is now the 5th time I have been pregnant. I am like the boy who cried wolf. Everyone is already planning to get together for drinks next weekend, knowing that I will most likely be able to drink with them by then. I just find it sad.

I think that if my stupid pregnancy systems were more consistent I could relax a little. You would have thought that my betas would have given me a reason to be hopeful. True, but losing some of my symptoms dashed that hope. I am trying to just block out the world right now. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. For whatever reason, it just puts me in a negative mood. I just want to be alone to enjoy whatever time I have with my baby. I really am grateful for the time that I have been able to spend with him. Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY tough day waiting for the results. I wish my husband could be here with me for that, but maybe it will be better for me to just be alone. I hate to have him see me so upset.

I'm still hoping that the fat-lady will come down with a fatal case of laryngitis.