Today is what I fear will be the last day I can say that I am pregnant :( I am so lucky to have made it this far, but I just don't see it going any farther. My hcg levels have never made it past the 200s. The odds are absolutely not in our favor, unfortunately. If we didn't have the DQ Alpha 4.1 match, I would say there was a chance, but that is just not the case. The anxiety of the past few days compares with that of the anxiety of finding out whether you had any eggs fertilize during an IVF cycle and then waiting to see if they grow. I have lost 4lbs since finding out I was pregnant. It is not morning sickness, though. I think it is generalized anxiety. Nothing really sounds good to me. I can't even think of a restaurant to eat at and I am not even craving chocolate. It is actually quite sad. I have to just accept the fact that I am not a normal pregnant person and get on with it.
My cramping has died down a bit and my boobs are still small and only sore on the sides. (Completely different from my first 2 pregnancies that both ended in m/c- i had way more symptoms with those!). This all leads me to believe that the whole thing is over. Torturing me with the idea that I could possibly have my own child seems just cruel. Why did my betas have to triple like that? I mean, I guess it will be better to get the news tomorrow rather than getting to the 9-week ultrasound and getting sad news. All I have ever dreamed of is at least being able to document one of my pregnancies on ultrasound, maybe to make it seem more real since my other 2 losses were so early. I almost wish I didn't have to do the beta tomorrow and I could just wait to do the ultrasound. If I started bleeding before then, I would know, but I wouldn't have to get that dreaded phone call saying, "I'm sorry, your numbers didn't double as they should have. You should start bleeding soon. I am sure you will have better luck next time." Better luck next time??? What next time??? This pregnancy took a total of 5.5 years and over $50,000 to achieve and it wasn't technically even supposed to happen! What next time?????? I know, now I have myself all worked up into a tizzy. I just need to start to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am sure that anyone who has suffered a loss, especially those who spent years trying to even get a bfp, can understand my need for self-preservation. I find that it is better to expect the worst and go from there. Positive thinking doesn't work for me. Believe me, I tried it with that last IVF and all it did was allow me to crash further than I ever had. It was a LONG way down. I always keep a tiny place in my heart for hope, but that place is getting harder to find...
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