It is finally almost over. I had my D&C 2 weeks ago today. Unfortunately, my ob/gyn's office called today to inform me that while my hcg levels dropped significantly, they were not near zero so I need to go back in 2 weeks for further testing. I had been feeling really good until I heard that today. I have had my moments, but for the most part I have felt like I have been reborn. I have felt great. It is like I am trying to make up for the past 6 hellish years. I picked up my ring finally to mark the end of this journey. It has 3 bigger diamonds, one for each miscarriage and 6 tiny diamonds, one for each year of trying to have a baby. It really helped me to mark the end. I also did quite a bit of retail therapy over the past few weeks which always helps. Oh, and the wine... I also took a trip to WI to surprise my mom for her birthday. I had been worried that I wouldn't be able to take the trip because of the whole D&C thing. My mom was very surprised and we had a fun weekend. I got to see lots of my old friends, which really helped.
I do have to admit that when I see a new baby, I still get upset. Maybe it is just still a little raw. I don't really get mad as much at the person with the baby, but I get sad for myself and my family. Maybe that is just the process of truly letting go of a dream. I have never truly let go of a dream before so I don't know how the process works. I am very concerned about how anxiety will affect me as soon as my hcg drops back to zero. With my last 2 miscarriages I suffered from severe anxiety attacks and my hcg only got up to 220. This time it was at 81,000 right before my D&C so I have to be prepared. It sucks because I feel so great right now and just want that feeling to continue! The only anxiety I have experienced so far was on my flight home. The guy behind me made a sniffle/snort sound rather than just blowing his stupid nose and it drove me insane from Milwaukee to Phoenix. He did it 61 times. I counted. He was already at 27 before we even took off. At first I thought he maybe had special needs, but when I saw him after we landed he was clearly a businessman. No ring on his finger and I am certainly not surprised. He probably makes that annoying sound a lot. Between his annoying snort and the turbulence for the last hour of the flight my nerves were SHOT. Maybe it was a good thing that I still had hcg in my system keeping the anxiety at bay.
Nothing else really new. Just trying to keep to myself and process everything. Hoping that I will continue to feel pleased with my decision to stop any form of fertility treatment. I won't even look at fertility blogs on the internet. I want nothing to do with it. I am moving on :) I hope that if there is anyone who actually reads this who is in the thick of the whole infertility mess they will see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would never have believed it myself if I hadn't seen it!! I am trying to run toward the light, but I know I will get tripped up along the way. There is always something...
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