Didn't mean to leave you hanging...

Sorry I have not updated. Part of it is that I haven't had a lot of time, but the other part is that I am still not sure what to make of this pregnancy. I had an ultrasound last Monday after not having a lot of symptoms and the baby was still there and measuring 8w6d with a heart rate in the 160s. I was STUNNED as I did not know that it was possible to be pregnant and have nausea disappear suddenly. My other symptoms (heartburn, fatigue, a little breast tenderness) were still there, but I figured it was the progesterone that I am taking.

So, now I have made it a whole week and I am getting concerned again that the baby will no longer be there. I am way better than I was when I was pregnant with my son, but the crappy thing about repeated pregnancy loss is that it sucks the sheer joy that you should feel out of the pregnancy. It is so unfair. I listen to people who had no trouble getting pregnant talk and after their 8-week ultrasound (or even just after they pee on a stick) they talk about their baby as someone who will be here soon needing all sorts of baby things. Anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss or especially multiple losses can probably relate to the feeling I have that pregnancy becomes a terrifying game of life or death and there is no guarantee that a bouncing live baby will be the end result.

I will be 10 weeks on Wednesday and I have been having a hard time bonding with this baby. I have hardly talked to her like I used to with my son (yes, I said "her" because I just have a hunch). I am never sure if she is there for sure so it is hard to spend time talking with her. I don't love her any less than any of my other 5, I guess I am just scared. I am almost 40 years old so the "less than 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat" doesn't really apply to me. I also have the additional label of a 'repeated pregnancy loser' so that ups the chances of another loss. For as hard as it was initially for me to hear that I was pregnant this time, it is going to be a devastating loss if this baby is not still alive on Wednesday. I was just listening to the song, "Gone Too Soon," by Daughtry and it made me so sad for all of my losses and the idea that I could lose yet another one. The song had a video with it (it was posted on a blog I read) and it was the kind of thing anyone, losses or not, would need a box of tissue for.

Anyway, I will update again soon and let you know how Wednesday goes. I am supposed to do an intralipid infusion with my RE and then I go to my regular ob for my 10-week check-up. I still can't believe that they hand out those backpacks with coupons and give you a folder about choosing a hospital at that appointment. That is just crazy to me. I at least talked them into doing the ultrasound first for me before putting me through the whole spiel about the pregnancy. My friend went in for her 8 week appointment and sat through the whole spiel and then did the ultrasound and found out it was a blighted ovum. She was so upset, rightly so.

I guess I should get back to writing my holiday cards and getting them ready to send out. I swear I am not going to get them finished this year!!!!

So much for that...

So, I have had pink spotting off and on since last Sunday and then yesterday my nausea was gone and it is not back today. Spotting + sudden loss of symptoms= something generally not good. I am not totally surprised as I had felt that something was not right from the start. My doctor is going to squeeze me in hopefully tomorrow for an ultrasound. Luckily he does not dismiss my concerns and make me wait until my 10-week ultrasound. If I need a D&C I need to get it planned asap. My husband and I work pretty much opposite days so I need to figure out how we will schedule a surgery. I need to have it done before all of our out of town guests arrive on the 21st. We have several holiday parties to work around, too. My work CANNOT find out about this pregnancy. Funny, just a few days ago I was trying to figure out how I would get away with not drinking at our holiday work party and now I am thinking that I may very well NEED to get drunk at the party! I hate to sound nonchalant about a pregnancy loss, but when you get to number 5 it starts to become sadly routine. Of course I am always sad, but if I focused on all of these losses I would never get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, my son is like an alarm clock and would never allow me to stay in bed. He is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the first place. If this loss had occurred before he was born, I would not be able to even describe the devastation. Right now, all I can allow myself to focus on is the fact that I am so fortunate to have him at all. Sadly, there are so many people out there still trying so hard to even see those two pink lines or get "the call" from the adoption agency.

It is real now.

Well, it's official. The baby grew by a week since the last ultrasound almost a week ago and it had a heart rate in the 150s. I was even given a due date and told to make an appointment with my regular ob/gyn. I am totally freaked out at the thought of telling my ob. He is going to freak that I am back already and pregnant. Hopefully I will be way less crazy. This pregnancy is already wildly different from my first. Once you have given birth it is different because you know it is possible. My anxiety lies more now with the baby staying. I just can't wrap my head around having two children 16 months apart.

I am tired and nauseous, so I am going to sign off... will update later. I have an intralipid treatment tomorrow morning.

Terrified.

I am terrified that this pregnancy won't last, but at the same time I am terrified that it will. I didn't know it was possible to feel such wildly conflicting emotions. I am sure there are a million people standing in line to smack me for saying that. I am absolutely grateful to have gotten pregnant again so quickly this time, but having a very busy 8 month old is hard and I cannot imagine having another child so soon. I am still adjusting the sheer amount of work it takes to raise a child while working part-time and having a husband who is out of state several nights per week. I have lost myself a bit, which I thought would never happen to me. And just as I am starting to look for myself again I feel as though I have disappeared. I do realize that this is somewhat temporary and just as I think I can't handle it, something will change. I just hope that holds true.

My body is already changing 6 weeks into this pregnancy, which also scares me. And then on top of that, I am going to be 40 by the time this baby would be born.

OMG! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?? I thought I would feel like I had more control over my life after having a child after such a long struggle with infertility, but that is soooo not the case! I also feel extreme guilt for admitting this is hard. I mean, I am getting exactly what I wanted, right?? I sure hope this is just the pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc...

A real live update

It's alive. I went in this afternoon and didn't even have my husband or son join me in the ultrasound room because I figured that there would be nothing to see. At first I saw the empty sac, but then my doctor maneuvered around a bit and I could see something. If I held my breath I could see the flicker of a heartbeat. It was beautiful even though it looked slow to me. He measured me at 5w6d and the heart rate was in the 90s. He said it looked fine. I hope he is right. I am a bit concerned (okay, a LOT concerned) because my progesterone level has dropped. It started at 27, two days later it was at 25 and now a week later it is down to 20. My doctor was not as concerned as I was, but was nice enough to tell me that I could take progesterone if I wanted to. Yes, I want to. I canceled my intralipid infusion, but may consider rescheduling. I kind-of wanted to wait to see if there would be a heartbeat next week before spending the $250 out of pocket. I guess we'll see. I still don't have a ton of symptoms, which also has me worried. I hate to worry through another entire pregnancy. At least for the moment I am pregnant and the baby is truly alive. Will update more later...

Last post of this pregnancy...

So, this my final night being pregnant according to the medical world. I, myself, know that I am not really pregnant, but doctors don't trust my gut as much as I do unfortunately. Luckily, I was able to get an aappointment for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I told the office that I wanted to rule out an ectopic due to my previous history. I am surprised they agreed to see me. I am so looking forward to saying, "I told you so!" to my doctor. I can already guarantee that they will find a sac measuring smaller than it should with nothing in it. Blighted ovum. I shoulda been a doctor...

So, that is pretty much it. Sorry not to sound more emotional, but after 5 losses it can/should be expected. Glad it will pretty much be over tomorrow. We will have some more sushi and wine to celebrate a little life no matter how short that life was. Of course I am sad, but what can I really do. Sadly, at this age, it is not likely that will ever get to be pregnant again. I am thankful to have been pregnant more than most people ever are (6 documented times and one undocumented). I remember before my first ever bfp (after 26 cycles of trying + IUI), I thought I would never see those 2 pink lines. I have certainly come a long way. I am still a very lucky girl...even in the midst of all of this.

Non update and other things

Not much new. No symptoms, but no spotting yet. I am thinking the red spotting will start tomorrow.

In other things, I realized I never really talk about anything but infertility. I suppose that since I started this blog to get my feelings out that is why. That, and for the better part of 7 years, my thoughts have not strayed far from the topic. I will never forget the time I was standing in the shower and realized I had gone 4 whole minutes without anything infertility-related popping into my head. I found that to be incredibly disturbing, but it is the all-consuming reality of infertility...

So, anyway, I am going to try writing about something unrelated, just for kicks. I try to keep this blog anonymous so I don't go into great detail. I think I may have already mentioned that I live in Arizona. Today it does not feel like it! I had planned on getting up and doing my favorte 3-mile walk along the golf course and canal, but it is dreary and rainy!! Seriously? It feels like fall in WI. I am such a wimp when it comes to the cold. Or maybe I am just lazy about working out, but either way it looks chilly out there! I may go out in the afternon depending on whether it warms up. I miss exercising. I never thought I would go a whole year without working out. I hope I can get back into it and get back in shape. Exercise and travel are 2 of my favorite things in the world and I really need to get back into both. Will update on that now that I may have witnesses and feel some sense of accountability. This is a good thing! Probably just what I need:)

Hope it is sunnier wherever you all are!