I went back to work for the first time since our IVF cycle out of town. It wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. My coworkers felt really bad and brought me beautiful flowers and a card and did not say anything insensitive the whole day. It was nice to have the support.
I hate how all of this feels. It is a feeling that I have grown unfortunately accustomed to over the past 5+ years. Previously there were more ups than downs, but the downs are now becoming the norm. Everyone always talks about life being "too short," but most days for me it feels far too long. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I look back at pictures and see the sparkle in my eye. It is no longer there. Maybe I am just getting old and that's what happens. I feel like this will never end and that I will never be happy again and that this life was wasted. I know, I know, probably time to call the shrink. Too bad my insurance doesn't cover the one I want to see. She is actually infertile herself and that is the only counselor I want to talk to. Nobody else could come close to "getting" it. I saw a counselor after my second miscarriage and she told me that I should not feel so bad because she mostly works with young moms who hate their lives BECAUSE of having had children. She then went on to say that had she not had 3 kids herself, she never would have gotten divorced. I beg to differ. And that cost me $200 out of pocket. Needless to say, I have been wary of counselors ever since.
Kind-of a depressing post/ramble even though my day really wasn't that bad (all things considered). My new cell phone with the fancy touch screen stopped working, so I did have to go to the store to see if they could figure it out. But that was probably the worst thing...the greatest part of the day was when I stopped by Petco to see the kitties up for adoption. There was a kitty that I had been admiring before I left for our cycle a few weeks ago and I couldn't get him out of my head. I told myself when I went in today that if he was still there then he would be mine. Well, sure enough, there he was! Now I probably shouldn't get too attached because he was the only one without a label on the cage. This either means that he is no longer available or he is getting his nuts chopped off this week. I am hoping that it is the latter (even though I am positive that he does not have the same hope). I really think that he has just been waiting for me this whole time (our other 2 cats will likely argue that). We had been thinking about getting a puppy and I even went to the shelter last weekend, but then the other morning when the kitties were meowing to be fed I realized that if we had a dog we would HAVE to get up and take it out. Then, for a brief moment, I panicked at the thought of having a kid! Yikes! We would have to just get up- period! And stay up! At that particular moment I could not fathom it, but I know that if we did have kids I would have gladly gotten up with them. So, anyway, a kitten it will probably be. I get so excited at the thought, even though I am concerned about how the other two will do. I guess we will find out...
Funny, the title of my post was "Update 6dp3dt" and I haven't mentioned the actual 2ww. This has actually been the least upsetting 2ww ever. I am actually sad to see it end, probably because I know that it is my last and I am not going to like the beta results (assuming I actually have the beta done). From reading the posts from all the other girls that cycled in Las Vegas this month, it sounds like most had a bad cycle so I am not alone. There was actually even one person whose eggs were lower quality than mine if that's possible. I feel for her- she didn't even get to transfer. I probably would have regretted not transferring, but I can't believe I paid an extra couple of thousand dollars to do the transfer only to have to do those damn PIO shots in the arse for an extra 2 weeks. I'm sure I would regret it if I stopped doing them, though, so I will continue. Does anyone else find themselves living "the path of least regret." Maybe that's what I should have called this blog. Unfortunately, I am no longer even on a damn path so I guess that wouldn't have been appropriate. Eventually, my hope is that through these ridiculous ramblings (that no one is likely to see) I will be able to find a path. I feel like the lost puppies and kitties I want to rescue and it makes me want to cry...
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