Update 5dp3dt

Nothing really to update. All "symptoms" are gone with the last of the trigger shot. The unfortunate part of having been pregnant (and miscarrying) twice is that I have known within a few days of ovulation of every cycle since then that I am not pregnant. Now, this has been good in the sense that I don't have to avoid alcohol or worry about what I am eating, but bad in the sense that usually the 2ww is a little respite of hope. Of course, when you are paying $15,ooo out of pocket for an IVF, the hubby will insist that you not drink and will also insist that you get stuck in the arse by that damn progesterone dagger every night until the very end of the 2ww.

Now, in this particular IVF, we went in with hope that I would come up with more than 2 bad eggs. And the good news is that I did!! I came up with 4 bad eggs! It sounds terrible to call my only children "bad eggs," as I thought all 4 of them were gorgeous in their own way when I saw the picture. It's just that the embryologist didn't think they were cute at all and actually recommended letting 3 of the 4 die and try to see if the best one (still grade 3 and very fragmented) could make it to day 5. Since my hubby and I both knew that none would make it to 5-day, we requested that they transfer all of them so that they could die with me and not in a petri dish. I am, after all, their mother. I am very happy to report that even though this would negatively impact his success rates, our doctor agreed to do this. The nurse said that we didn't need to have the "multiples" talk because there was a ZERO chance of multiples even with 4 embryos. We really didn't even need to have the "baby" talk at that point. The other nurse said, "Stranger things have happened." That can't bode well, even if it WAS a full moon the evening of our transfer... Needless to say, it was an extremely sad night. I stayed in the hotel by myself because my hubby had to get back to his new job (he took a 60% pay cut to work in a job that is completely unrelated to flying- what a trooper!).

So, I sat in the hotel by myself staring at the picture of my embryos. I had to drive back home the next day and decided to screw the 24-hours of bedrest. I got a cheeseburger happy meal and ended up filling the happy meal box with tissues as I cried all the way home. I am lucky I didn't get a ticket. My husband got a very expensive "criminal" ticket on his way home and hiring a lawyer to try to get it off his record is going to cost a pretty penny that we no longer have thanks to the IVF.

Since I have been home, I have avoided any contact with anyone. I had wanted to get my hair cut and couldn't even bring myself to talk to my hairstylist. I think I have just slept, cuddled with the kitties and found every possible way to google any hope for pregnancy. Here are the many ways I have found to search:

1. anyone get pregnant with poor quality embryos

2. anyone get pregnant with poor quality embies

3. pregnant with poor quality embryos

4. pregnant with poor quality embies

5. pregnant with grade 3 embryos

6. pregnant with grade 3 embies

7. pregnant with grade 3 fragmented embryos

8.pregnant with grade 3 fragmented embies

9. pregnant fragmented embryos

10. transfer 4 poor quality embryos

11. transfer 4 poor quality embies

12. low quality embryos

13. low quality embies

14. put back poor quality embryos

15. poor egg quality

16. cockapoo rescue dog adoption

I didn't even bother to try, "pregnant with endometriosis, advanced maternal age, diminished ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, activated NK cell activity, DQAlpha match 4.1 (the worst), homo MTHFR, myomectomy, possible adenomyosis and only 1 ovary that responds." There are ZERO success stories for that situation and most likely never will be- sorry to crush your hopes...

Now I know some of you are thinking, "Of course you will never be pregnant with that negative attitude," but I have to tell you after doing one IVF with a negative attitude and one IVF with a positive attitude there is absolutely NO difference between the outcome of the two. At some point, you have to be realistic or you will never survive.

I do have to say that for those of you who are doing FETs with poor quality embryos, your odds of success seem to be quite a bit higher. I maintain that it is because if the embryos survived being thawed out at all, they must have at least some of what it takes to survive.

So I am now going to try to drag myself to Whole Foods to get some of that CoQ10 that I keep reading about. I know, I know, it is sick and wrong to think that we could ever get pregnant without every possible high-tech medical intervention known to man, but a few pills couldn't hurt I'm sure. Too bad they don't sell valium in mass quantity at Whole Foods...